on a jet plane…

“Americans should know the universe itself as a road, as many roads, as roads for traveling souls.” Walt Whitman

“To gain your own voice, you have to forget about having it heard.” Allen Ginsberg

“I was surprised, as always, at how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt. The world was suddenly rich with possibility.” Jack Kerouac

“And so love goes. And so And so life goes. And so I go.” Neal Cassady

It is time, peeps. 4 years this small space has swelled under the weight of my little life, and you have ridden the swells and waves along with me as they crashed or melted on the shore, as the case may be.

You have been by my side thru an unexpected divorce, subsequent male attention, and cheered me on as I fell sort of in love, completely in love, and finally, madly and deeply in love… for reals this time. You laughed with me, cried by my side, and held my virtual hand as I worked my way thru the brambles toward daylight, and my muchness.

It has been a journey that I am grateful for, and now I am at the end of this particular path. An immense field of green lays before me, wildflowers beckoning while weaving to and fro in the soft breezes. Namaste, peeps… it has been one hell of a ride…

 

 

my chemical solution…

While I would almost, on some level anyhow, love to report that on a spur of the moment, I flied Paul and I down to the Keys for 3 days of drinking, dancing, and carrying-on, I cannot lie to you all. Besides, we know I am a little too Type-A for a spur of the moment and completely unaffordable tryst in the sun without some prior planning…

So I am doing the next best thing. I got up early, helped aforementioned boyfriend load all manner of kayak, bike, dry-storage pods, paddles, and various accoutrement from my living room into his truck. Thank all that is holy, my front room no longer looks like REI and has only a lone kayak (mine) and a tonneau cover in it along with a missed pod and daypack. Oh, look, there’s his strappy water bottle under the chair… eek… still a bit of a mess… breathe, Tish…

Where was I? Ah yes, got man on his way to work, lunch cooler packed in same fashion as truck-full to brim and none too organized. I worked on next AH assignment, Greek this time, so in slightly more familiar waters, but still not enough to gain sure footing. Drank coffee, annotated my shareable lecture file, and enjoyed warm morning breezes on patio, being dive-bombed by ravenous hummingbirds quaint rather than bothersome as I worked. Needing to get a bit outside of myself, I grabbed my latest find from the local library (who I support with near fanatic devotion), a little gem by Julia Alvarez entitled Saving The World. I am not sure if I have divulged this in the past, but this particular author holds a very special place in my heart, right between Stephen Hawking and Herman Melville, just one rung below my beloved Henry David and Ralph and Margaret, those most perfect of all intellectuals, the Transcendentalists.

But Julia? She is a beautiful enigma, simple and accessible, yet complex in thought and theory once you have spent days pondering her writings. She again did not disappoint, as on page 13 of the new to me novel, the following words permeated my consciousness and brought me up short: “There has to be a place left in modern life for a crisis of the soul, a dark night that doesn’t have a chemical solution.”

And I put down the book, removed my glasses, and stretched out in the sun, amazed that once again, the universe has granted me some small sign that my butterfly-wing tremors of uncertainty are being felt on some level. I have not been sleeping well as of late, and that is the ONE thing that this girl cannot function without. Even through my injury and LONG recovery, procedures, injections, going off food, hurting, missing my absentee for the summer kiddo, and stress of new school, new loans, and Paul’s new schedule, I can manage to hold on and be my happy-nouncy self, as long as Morpheus does his job and lulls me for around 6 hours a night. However, for the past 3 weeks, it has not been so, and I am more than a little frayed around the edges. Enough so that I catch Paul looking at me out of the corner of his eye regularly, and when questioned, he fawns over me and asks if I want to watch a romcom. This is a man who did not know the meaning of “romcom” until 6 months ago, and would not know one if it bit him in the ass. Resembling Bill the Cat rather than chubby but giggly girl is not my bag, baby. I need help, and I do not know what to do. My stress reliever is trail hiking and running, something one cannot do if one can barely make it from bed to potty, never mind the 3 steps on the front stoop that bring tears to my eyes each time I descend. Having no exercise means no appetite, so I have been not eating until dizziness sets in… I KNOW, very bad, but nothing appeals to me, literally nothing. I have to choke down coffee. Just too weird for words…

So just last night I was considering asking for something for anxiety at my Dr. appointment on Monday. I am not depressed, feel good other than knee and exhausted, so you may recommend a sleeping pill, but have had bad experiences with them. I do NOT want an antidepressant, as they do nothing for me, have used them for chronic pain in the past and make my fingers numb and hearing a bit harder, that’s it. So… I am wondering if my old friend Ativan would do the trick. It works like a charm, stress melts away, no pill hangover in the morning, and I never got even remotely addicted to it, or found myself wanting more than the one pill for the prescribed 2 week intervals. I took it for PTSD related stress and when Hubby No More was isolated duty and stationed overseas for a 13 month stretch.

I am not one to reach for pills, and personally do not overindulge in anything. Alcohol is to a bare minimum, as in a beer or one mixed drink every few months or so, at a BBQ or dinner with friends. No overeating, minute sugar consumption, etc. I am in the correct frame of mind for it, but almost feel as I am giving in when I should be listening my body and giving it what it needs, mainly wholesome foods, early bedtimes, and exercise. So what I got from Julia this morning is that maybe I should just work at it a BIT more, give myself another week to try and reset my body clock. Either way, it feels good to be recognized by the universe as something important enough to send signs to. =) This is something that the aforementioned ex hated, but Paul feels is charming, and wonderful, not gullible. My ability to feel connected to everything, and know that on some atomic level, I am meaningful. Some would take it as a sign of insanity, or childlike faith such as where religion is concerned. But science is my belief structure, and as a carbon based life form, I truly believe that I matter as much as the stars and as little as an amoeba. Comforting for this gal, and feels good to know I am part of something infinite.

So there you have it. To pill or not to pill, that is the question. Sugar makes me hurl, so ice cream fest is off the table. I am “fluffier” than 6 months ago, so no chips or fresh, fried clam strips to drown my sorrow. Don’t like getting drunk, cannot run. A girl can only drink so much cucumber water, and besides, a tummy full of water does not want food. So I am a bit at a loss. What soothes you when sleep eludes you for so long that waking becomes the habit, not the exception? What makes everything right in your world? I am off to read some more, write a paper, and explore the gender roles in Greek mythology as pertaining to royal families. Have a lovely summer day peeps, catch you on the flip side… =)

busy sunday morning…

My to-do list has apparently been eating the Miracle-Gro, because it is a veritable beast of epic proportions now, and has me cornered in the kitchen…

It being Sunday, this is somewhat of a me-day, although foxling is abed and likely to be there for the duration. I got up before dawn, choked down my health shake and a yogurt, vitamined and lotion myself silly, and plunked down on the couch to take advantage of the silence and bang out another in the never-ending litany of Nutrition exams. Check that off the list, managed to write 4 pages for my next SOC paper, and my energy has dissipated in the manner of leaky balloons… fizzling out a bit at a time, now I find myself spent and in dire need of another cup of liquid energy, aka French Press.

I need to finish this 10 page paper today, begin another research project, and write another paper, this one only 8 pages, which I hope to hand in on Thursday. A bit mad, really, but if I can get these things crossed off, then it will be fairly smooth sailing for the remainder of the term. I try to front-load as much as possible, in the often futile attempt to allow myself the last 2 weeks of the semester in which to do nothing but prepare for the exit exams. Well, that is the plan, at least…

Paul is gone fishing, literally as well as metaphorically, and is due back home here with me on Wednesday night. It has been a bit lonely, but rather wonderful getting so much work done, and not picking up or cooking… salads, Lean Cuisine, and apples have been my diet since he left last Tuesday at midnight, and I cannot tell you how lovely it has been not washing but 3 dishes a day! I do so love the man, but damn, he does add a bit of work to the housekeeping routine. He is down in Nashville rebuilding cars, fishing, and doing all manner of boy things with his mates. Ray lives up here, but Mike resides down in TN, so for the 3 of them to get a week together is a rare treat. He called last night, all sleepy-tousled voice cracking with cigarettes and whiskey, sounding for all the world like a man doing exactly as he pleases for a change. Mmm… I do so love that tone of voice, and all the possibility and calm that was behind his playful banter. Vacation needs to be something of a more frequent experience, especially for those who labor outside with their hands for a living.

I need to get back to the grind, but wanted to check in and wish those who celebrate a very Happy Easter, and those who do not, just a very Happy Day. =) Love you all, my peeps… and aren’t you proud of me that the only sugar I have consumed today is the smidge in my coffee??!! She shoots, she scores… woot-woot! Of course, the foxing has eaten enough candy and treats already this weekend from her huge combination Solstice/Easter guilt basket I already gave her to cover my consumption, as well as several of yours, lmao. =) Here’s to enjoying your sugar coma, lovelies. Namaste…

snow day…

Icy rain pelts the window panes, staccato beat making my feet twitch…

Wind rushes across rooftops and catches in the tree branches, eerily beckoning me from my cocoon of warmth…

Diesel engines rumble to life in the distance, sounding like ancient beasts, signaling the plowing will commence in short order…

Snow day, hunting day, day to stay under the covers for just one more kiss… gulped coffee, I’ll scrape the windshield if you shovel the steps. “Here, I got the mail little girl” and “Look, I packed you a dry outfit for the ride home”…

Textbooks piled comfortingly on the couch beside me, coffee steaming away, laptop open, word document started for Humanities and turkey roasting in the oven. Waiting for the wet, shivering man to reappear, I daydream of a hot shower and dinner on the couch, wrapped in robes, watching a documentary about tigers…

Snow day, off day, relaxing day. Happy day, slow day, snow day…

Namaste, peeps… =)

monday, monday…

Yup, total tribute to the Mama’s and the Papa’s here; only wish it “was all I hoped it would be”…

If this math class doesn’t kill me, I am officially immortal. Am feeling less like HULK lately and more like Bruce Banner after his alter ego jumps off a tall building straight down to explode the concrete below. Sore, confused and more than a little out of sorts. While I am mildly curious about how this next semester is going to pan out, I am desperately wishing to be done with school and back in the work force where I will, hopefully, have something valid to contribute. While learning fascinates me, the regurgitation and meaningless stroking of egos is beginning to rub me raw in uncomfortable places.

One could say I am fortunate, as my classes were interesting for the most part. I very much loved every moment of Cold War History, and geology was far more in depth than I could have imagined. I am getting closer to my goals with each passing day, a step in the right direction. I like my measly lab-rat job, and my boss called me “fabulous” today. I am warm tonight; tummy full of spicy gumbo, and Isobel is in her room, chatting with friends, peals of laughter seeping thru the walls. I should be deep in the throes of 30second dance party right about now, music thumping and feet twirling me about the house…

But I am soo…. sleeeeepyyy….

Dreams of good Chinese food are dancing in my head, and sunny days off with Paul, driving south to the beach with tunes blaring, his huge hand rubbing across my thigh. Studying for tonight has been abandoned, instead I sip warm tea and try to keep my eyes open as I type a few lines. The beating drums from the documentary I am half-watching echo the throbbing in my head, and I am damned near ready to throw in the towel for the night. Talk to you on the flip side, peeps… good night.

a small stone growing larger…

It is illogical to think that over time, a small rock can grow into a huge boulder, covered with a thousand years of moss. Erosion and climate change would not allow for this lovely sentiment… but what if it were possible, what if it were true?

I am a small stone. Lifetimes ago, happiest when surrounded by rushing waters, I was worn down and nestled into the stream bed, my place assured, integral… at peace.

Now I find I am buffeted by winds, and want no part of it. Smallerizing, that it. I want to be placed in a warm meadow, surrounded by cherry trees, with shreds of moss to my right. I want that moss to creep closer, and cover me. And I want to swell under the collective warmth of my green carpet. I want to lay my wanderlust aside, clutch firmly to the earth, and patiently wait a hundred lifetimes to increase. I want to grow thru endurance, not always be fresh and sparkling. I want to become the wisdom of the ages, not some western representation of renewal.

Can you tell I’ve been listening to the Japanese National Anthem on a sun-warmed patio this morning? Predictable, that’s me in a word as of late. =)

Regardless, I do so want some semblance of permanence. I don’t want to be the dandelion of the universe, sweet but fluff. I don’t want to be the appendix, but long to become part of the neural structure; a part so integral that were it missing, the loss would be felt reverberating thru lifetimes.

Is this a normal part of identity crisis in midlife, a narcissistic psychological disorder, or simply the universe trying to tell me I am certainly NOT fulfilling the role which I was meant for, and to get my puny ass in gear ? I tend to go with option 3, but am at a loss of what exactly my role is, and how I should proceed…

Were I a friend or client of mine, I would advise 6 months of developing a yoga practice, deepening my meditation work, and taking that 6 months to not act, just ponder in what ways acting can be beneficial. Unfortunately, with school admission deadlines and the elusive 4.0 ruling my life at present, there simply is no time to step back and see the forest, rather that the particular tree.

Biggerizing, patience, wisdom is what I crave. Do you as well ? Have you found it ? Or is a freshly-scrubbed, microdermabrasion version of yourself, complete with prickly-stinging skin the way you choose to go ? Comments appreciated, peeps. Namaste, lovelies… =) =)

one little word…

CATHARSIS = the purging of emotions, an emotional release, eliminating tension to attain spiritual renewal, liberation…

This morning has been cathartic for yours truly. Dreading the alarm at 0430, which is my normal Monday morning wake up, I did laundry last night and picked up the few groceries that could not wait. Then I allowed myself time to putter about the house mindlessly, sleepy and confused, utterly alone, but in a solid and good way. I slept when my body demanded it and did not set the alarm, not something that happens in this den…

I slept fitfully, awakening as the morning light brightened the bedroom, wondering what I was late for, then remembering “Tish, it’s all good, go back to sleep, no one depends on you today”, and I put my head back down for another few hours.

I am almost ashamed to admit I did not crawl out of my cocoon until nearly 0900. This is extremely late for a girl who thinks sleeping in means a 0700 alarm, lol. =) Got up, brushed teeth, fiddled at the computer. Sat on the patio in the cool air with a cup of coffee, the good stuff, because life is too short to drink bad coffee… yes you read that right, the cool morning air. Although only August, the days are already an hour shorter and the nights have been in the low 60’s here, prompting the crisp smell in the air that calms my soul almost as well as days on the open water can do…

My neighbor is cooking that mystery dish that smells faintly of wet wood, vinegar and cinnamon, reminding me of last fall… my first time living relatively alone since 1995 ! Completely alone this morning, the world feels new, and the sunlight is watery… Paul just pinged, he is working on the car today, getting it ready for the races this coming weekend. Although I have much to do, I am enjoying the renewal that comes from being still… I should be baking a chocolate layer cake… but there is simply no way I am undertaking such a huge and disastrous task on this fine day… besides, I have no flour or cake pans… must needs pick up a treat at the grocers instead, lazy cat that I am. =)

Although I have not shared this, things have been rather insane with my foxling as of late, and I was beginning to feel wounded on a base level, like a cornered animal desperate for a break to simply lick the wounds and be left the hell alone. I don’t know what the fall will bring, but in true Tish fashion, change is afoot. For some, spring is the time of renewal… but for this little girl, it is always September that brings winds blowing life akimbo, and righting myself becomes a wanted and much needed way to spend my days.

I will admit to a bit of nervousness where Paul is concerned in these coming months. He was there for the end of a semester, and a relatively calm summer, but he has not experienced the fall semester with me yet. The constant change, the routine that cannot be duplicated from last year but needs to be tweaked, taking much of my spare energy. He is used to coming home to dinner, calmness and hours spent dancing in the kitchen. I wonder how he will react to coming home to an empty house and a full crockpot ? I wonder how I will adjust, that late class being the hardest and also my favorite, but knowing he is here alone while I am there ? I wonder if I should eat “That’s It” fruit bars in class or if the crinkling will be too disturbing to the lab ? No, my brain really never shuts off… hence the NEED to spend some time just breathing…

So I am off to enjoy the rest of the day, grab some steaks to marinate for tomorrow, and probably hide out in the forest or at the dam, listening to the water and just breathing in all that fresh air. My hope for you all today ? Peace, happiness, a lightness of spirit… I know this is Monday, the dreaded day for most, but try to take a moment to be nothing but the best version of YOU, and enjoy ! Much love to you all… =)

 

once upon a time…

Why do I keep hitting myself with the hammer ? Because it feels so fkn good when I stop…

Another weekend spent driving thru snow, wondering what the hell I am doing… debating turning around at every exit. Phone rings, cuts thru music… him; “are you almost here, baby ?” yes, I’m almost there… “be safe baby… but can you drive faster?”

(grin) i am hanging up now…

… “tell me”…

NO !

… “tell me, darling girl, please tell me”…

i serious feelings you, Bear…

“that’s MY BEAR to you, baby”…

i’m almost there…

“i know, i can see you, because i walked out the door, down the drive, across the street, over 4 blocks and i’m on the corner”…

you’d walk that far in 13 degrees for li’l old me ?

“to the ends of the earth, baby”…

but for how long, Bear ?

“always, baby of mine… forever and a day”…

what if we only have one day, though, Bear ?

“then we better make it count, my beautiful girl”…

and so we did…

 

 

absence… ?

I am done with studying for a few hours. I was just taking a test for cultural anthro and the question asked me to list the top ten ways that zoonotic diseases are transmitted in humans. Half-way thru the answer, I realized I was listing the top 10 infections found in the acute care setting… whoops, that was on Friday’s test for another class… fuckity-fuckity… compulsive backspacing… how much time do I have… need a break…

Sunday evenings are the hardest. It is either 1 am or 2:30 am tomorrow where The Soldier is; a few hours from flying. I have this thing where, because he is later in the day than I am, I can feel like he is safe until it is that same time on my clock. Totally pointless, I know, but helps me sleep at night. I used to be a firm believer in “absence… that common cure for love” but now find myself in the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” camp. Caveat, not talking LOVE here. Not the time, place or circumstance. Besides, there’s backstory. Yes, there is always is with me, you must know that by now. At the end of the day, it is all about him…. At any rate, The Soldier is fine, or at least was fine, and that’s as good as it gets at this point.

The Boy pinged me this morning. He is nothing if not persistent. I will admit, my vajayjay still thinks fondly of him, but that is as far at the sentiment goes. It was kind of sweet while it lasted, in that Jay and Daisy, “Gatsby” sort of way…

I have to go make dinner now, my foxling just got home and I want a few uninterrupted minutes with her so she can tell me about her recent escapades. Luckily I made enough chicken and veggies last night for leftovers, so that is one less thing twatse time on. Were I alone, I would be living on yogurt and health shake, but I do make an effort for my girl. =) Talk to you all again soon, have a lovely !

 

 

ouch…

Had to “trim the hedges” this morning, and shave my legs, and shower, do my hair, put on a bit of makeup… nope, no date, just a doctor appointment. =) Pretty bad when you put more effort into looking presentable for an exam than you do a date. Not that I am dating, but I have been out for numerous cups of coffee with men, and I will admit, the prep for that was minimal. =)

So I found myself, after much traffic, confusion and a few wrong turns, at the Gyno this morning, foxling in tow. I was there to address a problem, and it was decided that they would do a uterine biopsy while I was there, to speed up the process before I actually get into the ER. “Oh joy, oh bliss” she muttered under her breath… nothing better that having a metal bottle brush shoved up your hoo-ha. Of course, I bled like a stuck pig and was forced to lay there for a goodly while, legs still in stirrups, head down and a cold pack across my abdomen. At least I got a couple of codeine out of the deal, making the drive home much more enjoyable.

I have another appointment on Tuesday for more testing, then will have a week during which to decide which procedure I will have done. I can opt for less invasive all the way to hysterectomy… I need to fit this in before we all start classes, so it is going to have to be August, or over December break. I am hoping to get it taken care of in August, so that is one less thing to worry about.

After lunch and some quiet time, my foxling and I went to the library to grab books for the week. We had a great time in the non-fiction section and found some gems to enjoy. We were planning a beach day tomorrow, but instead will spend our time relaxing, cooking some chicken and salad and reading the day away. This was her idea, as she is exhausted, but I am happy to report I was in full agreement. We are both desperately in need of a solid day at home, down time with nothing but the rustling of pages to distract us from thought-provoking stories…

I am headed upstairs for a while, time to snuggle down with motrin, blankies and my darling girl. Long day down, quiet night ahead…