a reason for coffee…

I have a question for you all, assuming that there are still readers lurking about…! lol =) As you may remember from 2014, I spent a GREAT deal of time wasting my time on fruitless coffee-dates with men who turned out to be in a class of their own… and not necessarily of the good variety. I met no axe-murderers, felons, or other deeply unsavory characters, but DID meet enough men to realize that there is no man in CT for me, save The Lineman, which is a sad and cautionary tale for another day, preferably while laying on a beach drinking cold beer, but I digress.

So I am off men, as I seem to have a penchant for loving truly and completely only those who I cannot have for the long haul. If things ever DO work out with The Lineman, I will be thrilled beyond words, but I will not go looking for something to distract me for the interim and prefer to have it be him or none. No worries, this was a happy-making decision for yours truly. =)

At any rate, I had a point back there a ways… OH YES! I am swimming, or rather doing water rehab every morning at the pool, and I was surprised at how many people take advantage of the early morning hours to work the kinks out of their broken backs, shoulders, and knees. We are a youngish bunch, and rather vocal, so the routine has become a source of interaction as well as breath-stealing pain for me. Of course (you know me by now…) I met someone who is interesting, non-threatening, and despite meeting me in my swimwear, seems to have no sexual or otherwise nefarious intentions towards my person, nor did he swim screaming from the sight. He is clever, pleasant, none too hard on the eyes, and well-spoken. He also is tall and has a goatee in the manner of the loves of my deep past, so while I am HONESTLY not going anywhere with this, he has captured enough of my interest that I speak to him as well, even in more than​ monosyllabic words. =)

You may remember that I am shy on friends of my own age-group, being fairly new to the area and in college with children, so meeting someone who does not make me want to slap them is a rarity, be they of the male or female persuasion. So… kind reader, is a goatee enough of a reason to put on actual clothes and have a conversation with this one on dry land? I would get a coffee out of the deal, which of course has me pondering the idea. BUT… how early is too early to let a man know you truly only want to be friends? Nothing else has ever even been suggested, but with my track record and advancing age, I will take no chances to get caught up in any kind of insanity with a new and grueling semester on the​ horizon​. ​Am I making too much of this? How can you tell when a coffee is just a coffee? And can a woman ever really be just friends with a man anyway? I had been seriously debating buying a cheap gold band to wear​ and telling​ the world I am a widow​, but that seems too much like tempting the Fates, and I have done​ that often enough to know​ the disastrous results that follow.

In other news, I am only down 3 pounds, but my shirts are fitting slightly looser in areas, so I am trying to stay away from the scale and focusing on the buoyant​ feeling inside of me after working out, as limited as it may be. Keep me in your thoughts, you all, and with any luck, I will be snowshoeing​ in smaller ski pants come the new year!!

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ouch…

Had to “trim the hedges” this morning, and shave my legs, and shower, do my hair, put on a bit of makeup… nope, no date, just a doctor appointment. =) Pretty bad when you put more effort into looking presentable for an exam than you do a date. Not that I am dating, but I have been out for numerous cups of coffee with men, and I will admit, the prep for that was minimal. =)

So I found myself, after much traffic, confusion and a few wrong turns, at the Gyno this morning, foxling in tow. I was there to address a problem, and it was decided that they would do a uterine biopsy while I was there, to speed up the process before I actually get into the ER. “Oh joy, oh bliss” she muttered under her breath… nothing better that having a metal bottle brush shoved up your hoo-ha. Of course, I bled like a stuck pig and was forced to lay there for a goodly while, legs still in stirrups, head down and a cold pack across my abdomen. At least I got a couple of codeine out of the deal, making the drive home much more enjoyable.

I have another appointment on Tuesday for more testing, then will have a week during which to decide which procedure I will have done. I can opt for less invasive all the way to hysterectomy… I need to fit this in before we all start classes, so it is going to have to be August, or over December break. I am hoping to get it taken care of in August, so that is one less thing to worry about.

After lunch and some quiet time, my foxling and I went to the library to grab books for the week. We had a great time in the non-fiction section and found some gems to enjoy. We were planning a beach day tomorrow, but instead will spend our time relaxing, cooking some chicken and salad and reading the day away. This was her idea, as she is exhausted, but I am happy to report I was in full agreement. We are both desperately in need of a solid day at home, down time with nothing but the rustling of pages to distract us from thought-provoking stories…

I am headed upstairs for a while, time to snuggle down with motrin, blankies and my darling girl. Long day down, quiet night ahead…

just great…

Got a call from the repair shop yesterday, and the insurance adjuster. That “small” dent on the bumper, and the slight flaring from the one side that popped free ? Not such a small amount of damage as originally thought. After opening the hood, they discovered the transmission is cracked thru, the A/C unit is smashed, and other assorted parts crushed beyond belief. How could it look so ok from the exterior, and be so jacked up ? They put it up on the frame adjuster and discovered it was over 10% twisted, which would explain the trajectory of my head and side body. I have the damned rental for at least a week, and I am just thankful they are not totaling out the car and cutting me a check. I am also really happy I did not raise the deductible to $1000 to save on the monthly fee… I am only paying $500 for about $3500 worth of work. And some of my friends think I am foolish to carry full-coverage on a car that is not new.

SERIES POST #8…

Today’s tidbit is an easy one… DRINK MORE WATER AND EAT A GREEN SALAD. I am feeling a bit like hell warmed over, so am taking it easy on my body for the next few days. More water always helps, to flush out toxins and keep you hydrated. During times of extreme stress, we tend to dehydrate, so this is a very real way to ease your body’s pain. I am a veggie lover, but rotate between salads, fresh smoothies and simple berries. Although my first instinct is to drink all my food, the act of eating helps get us on track as well. The chewing signals fullness and it is beneficial for your teeth, jaw and gums. So even though all I want is a tub full of Egg Drop Soup, I will eat some leafy, organic lettuces. With some seeds, tomato, and cucumber, I have a fresh meal with which to fuel my body. I have also had to take meds these past few days, and they always throw off my system. With a protein shake later, this should hold me until dinner and allow me the nutrients I need. I already had that cup of yogurt, to strengthen my bruised bones. =)

The Professor will be here for dinner tonight, and I have no idea what I will throw together. Something easy and good, my foxling requested. When asked for more specifics, she just shrugged. Ah… life with a teen. I dreamed last night that I was cooking in a professional kitchen, with a huge, yellow AGA stove. I was roasting marrow bones to make a bisque, and the counter was covered with freshly gathered leeks and root vegetables. Such a pretty scene, and I woke up with a smile only face. For all my grousing, I am a capable cook and do like to make beautiful food when the urge strikes. Apparently, my body is craving some nourishing soup. I will not, however, go in search of marrow bones on Easter weekend… the butchers are sure to have empty shelves.

I have nothing planned this weekend other than sleep, baths and small meals. I am having a hard time reading for any amount of time, as well as being on the computer. I will probably turn on the telly and fall asleep on the couch in the sun. Hey, there are worse things to do with your free time. What do you do when you are not feeling your best, and just want to be still ?

i need to go outside and play…

The indigenous people of the Andes believe that our world is the body of the Earth Mother, Pachamama. That we are inseparable from her and we need to pay her homage, live within her, as she is within us. I was thinking about this earth-honoring that their lives center around, and was struck by the sheer simplicity, and genius of their belief.

Life in 2014 is busy, insane, really. We fill our precious free time with computers, cell phones, technology and other man-made objects meant to distract us. We were not made to sit in cubicles and at small desks, to stare at screens all day instead of interacting with people. This disconnect we have from nature is in part responsible for the depression, diabetes and discontent that plagues each generation in growing numbers.

No society 200 years ago had to be told that being in the country was good for them, that a day at the beach under the sun would recharge their batteries. We have replaced healthful living with work, stress and fast-paced workouts in the morning, so we can get on with our day. I dream of being able to work in an environment that promotes health and well being. Where I am not cooped up inside all day, but can at least access the sun and fresh air on generous breaks. Long ago, I would spend my work weeks at a ridiculous pace, pushing myself to get all collateral duties finished early so I could enjoy my days off without interruption. I would drive up to Eureka, fly to Ketchikan or Seattle to hike, swim, rock climb. I would fly to Mexico, Belize and Florida to swim, dive, and lay on small tree-covered beaches and splash among Mangroves. Every penny I had, every free moment was spent racing back to the natural world, back pack in tow. I was deeply happy, sun-kissed and self-assured. I was strong, healthy and felt I could do anything at all, there were no boundaries in my head. It was an exhilarating way to live, and I deeply miss those times, and wish circumstances had allowed me to raise my foxing in the same manner.

I am now a cliche… 40something overweight woman, separated, with a child at home. Living life smaller than we wish, doing all we can with the resources we have. It is not a bad life, just confining. The Professor left in part because he felt he could not achieve what he wanted with me by his side. I hope he can create the life he is searching for, and that my foxing and I will have the opportunity to do the same. This waiting is hard, but promises of a richer, more satisfying life make me work toward our goals with a smile on my face. Do not get me wrong, it is not a bad life. I love teaching my brilliant daughter, I adore our free time together, and how she begins every day with a renewed purpose. We do explore our natural world as much as possible, but in truth things always seem a little gloomy during the winter in our neck of the woods. By throwing on ski pants and heading out to play in the snow, we are taking advantage of what we have in front of us. I know that our path will lengthen, there will be many adventures around the curves ahead. For now, the cold air and bright sunlight are tiding us over until spring, when our world will once again burst bright and new.

first day back…

Ah, the first day back to full-time lessons. Getting up early, organizing the shelf that now holds our first 3 subjects. Quiet, yet happy jazz bouncing from the Bose. Breakfast eaten, dishes put away, hair up in ponytail and pens arranges next to my notebook. All ready, wait a minute, I seem to be missing something… Ah yes, my foxling, who is abed with the flu.

Yes, the perfect first day, except that we will be doing no school. Life has a funny way of changing your plans, pulling the rug our from beneath you and reminding you in no uncertain circumstances, that you are in control of nothing. Luckily, all that back-to-school excitement will serve me well today. I will spend my morning feeding her yogurt pops and juice. Washing hot sheets and replacing them with heavenly-cool, fresh ones. Making tidbits with which to tempt her. Monitoring doses of ibuprofen and acetaminophen. Fluffing up pillows and couch cushions, scrolling thru the Netflix menu until her watery eyes light up. In short, being her mum. =) I am great under pressure, and she gets 120% of me when she is sick and hurting, lucky little foxling. And lucky mumma, for being able to stay at home with her, through good times as well as bad. Happy, healthy, carefree days are such a treasure, but I am doubly glad when I can be with her when she needs me. Being a mum is all about the small moments of love and comfort one can give to our children, and I am a fortunate mum indeed to have all the time in the world with which to be in her company.

While I was pulling the recycling bin out front this morning, thru the chilly rain, I thought of the men who come every Monday morning without fail to take away my recycling. They work in rain, ridiculously high winds, snow and blazing sun. They heave the bins and dump the cardboard, racing to get the task accomplished in their allotted time frame. They are not surrounded by beauty, but by the discarded remnants of our days. One could argue they are payed well for what they do, but we all know how far that money and poor-quality health plan go in today’s world. The retention rate is low, and every few months, there is an entire new crew with which to get acquainted. There is always one person who has a ready smile, who will walk the extra steps to place my bin on the front door-mat, saving me the walk down to pick it up. These small kindnesses are repaid with smiles, conversation and baked goods at the holidays. You should see their huge grins when I greet them on a cold December morning with a package of cookies and brownies in my hands. Their reaction is worth every minute spent on the treats; such a simple thing to do and such a small bit of my time.

Today is a day I choose to spend in service and loving-kindness. I have had my time to meditate and relax, to enjoy my yogurt and do a small workout. Now it is time to give to someone else; in this case, my darling daughter. We simply must take care of ourselves first, but the truth is, there is always time to share with someone else. How will you spend your time today ? Will you seek an opportunity to do for someone else, out of love and respect for them ? In shifting the focus away from our own desires and being there for others, we are forging a path that leads somewhere new, perhaps to something wild and exciting. Will you join me today, off the beaten path ?

again… ?!

My foxling came home yesterday afternoon, and I was so happy to see her ! Three nights away seems like a short break, but felt long when I did not have to tuck her in each night with giggles and many repetitions of “I love you”. It usually gets to the point where I feign exasperation and shout across the hall at her “Just go to sleep already”, which makes her laugh, and then she shuts her door. =) With a smile on my face, I head downstairs to read, watch a program, or write a letter before I head back up myself for the night.

She seemed fine when he dropped her off, although she did complain of being a bit dizzy, which I chalked up to hunger and a few late bedtimes. By dinner time, she had a fever, was coughing pretty steadily and complaining of a sore throat as well as headache. She did finish her dinner, and I gave her some cough syrup, fever-reducer and a throat lozenge. I was back up with her at 4 this morning, administering more meds as she coughed incessantly and was really burning up. Cool washcloths, water to drink, back-rubs and cough drops helped, and she finally went back down after 5. We all JUST got over a TERRIBLE viral infection, and it seems like she now has contracted something else. Ah, life with children.

Scratch all my plans for the day, I am headed out for more meds and groceries to get us thru another few days. She had a yogurt bar and is now half-asleep on the couch, covered in soft blankets, with all the blinds drawn to soothe her poor aching head. It looks like it is going to be a long weekend here in the den…

same old song and dance…

If you are a regular visitor to this blog, you know I have been going thru some changes. =) Well, that is putting it a little mildly. One thing I have been really committed to for the last few months is getting my mojo back. This is turning into quite the process; one of losing weight, lots of self-discovery, creating a life of MY choosing, remembering things that I once loved and still bring me joy… it is a work in progress, but I am really loving the work. Even the painful times, of realization, acceptance and discovery are worth it, if I come out the other side ME again.

I have been working out every day, something we all know is necessary to long lasting weight loss and strength. Before The Professor and I were married, I worked out about 5 days a week. This was in addition to working on my feet 12 hour shifts, walking, hiking, rock climbing, swimming, diving, dancing and generally being active. No wonder I was so tiny ! In my single days, I had the money and time to pursue whatever exercise and activity of my choosing, a luxury I have not had since she was born and we decided to homeschool her in a rigorous, classical manner.

So there I am every morning, popping in a DVD, lacing up the sneakers, and sweating. Every day, I am able to stretch further, keep my footwork more accurate and do more complicated moves. I feel a sense of wicked accomplishment after a session; that crazy bitch on the disc tried to kill me, but I showed her ! =) As I am doing the workout, snippets of music change as our pace increases. I laugh every single day, joyfully and out loud… how many years have I been doing this ?! My ballet instructor have me a VHS tape back in the 80’s, and then there was Jane Fonda. There has always been someone staring at me from the screen, urging me to do just one more set. This I remember, this feeling of insanity at the fact I am talking to the television, moving furniture and all the jumping that I am sure all my neighbors just love.

My pants are getting baggy, my shirts are looser around the arms. I am feeling stronger and happy, like I can accomplish ANYTHING ! It is a long time coming, but I can almost see myself in the mirror again, the faint outline of who I want to be, who I am working to create. =) Talk about empowering.

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