a reason for coffee…

I have a question for you all, assuming that there are still readers lurking about…! lol =) As you may remember from 2014, I spent a GREAT deal of time wasting my time on fruitless coffee-dates with men who turned out to be in a class of their own… and not necessarily of the good variety. I met no axe-murderers, felons, or other deeply unsavory characters, but DID meet enough men to realize that there is no man in CT for me, save The Lineman, which is a sad and cautionary tale for another day, preferably while laying on a beach drinking cold beer, but I digress.

So I am off men, as I seem to have a penchant for loving truly and completely only those who I cannot have for the long haul. If things ever DO work out with The Lineman, I will be thrilled beyond words, but I will not go looking for something to distract me for the interim and prefer to have it be him or none. No worries, this was a happy-making decision for yours truly. =)

At any rate, I had a point back there a ways… OH YES! I am swimming, or rather doing water rehab every morning at the pool, and I was surprised at how many people take advantage of the early morning hours to work the kinks out of their broken backs, shoulders, and knees. We are a youngish bunch, and rather vocal, so the routine has become a source of interaction as well as breath-stealing pain for me. Of course (you know me by now…) I met someone who is interesting, non-threatening, and despite meeting me in my swimwear, seems to have no sexual or otherwise nefarious intentions towards my person, nor did he swim screaming from the sight. He is clever, pleasant, none too hard on the eyes, and well-spoken. He also is tall and has a goatee in the manner of the loves of my deep past, so while I am HONESTLY not going anywhere with this, he has captured enough of my interest that I speak to him as well, even in more than​ monosyllabic words. =)

You may remember that I am shy on friends of my own age-group, being fairly new to the area and in college with children, so meeting someone who does not make me want to slap them is a rarity, be they of the male or female persuasion. So… kind reader, is a goatee enough of a reason to put on actual clothes and have a conversation with this one on dry land? I would get a coffee out of the deal, which of course has me pondering the idea. BUT… how early is too early to let a man know you truly only want to be friends? Nothing else has ever even been suggested, but with my track record and advancing age, I will take no chances to get caught up in any kind of insanity with a new and grueling semester on the​ horizon​. ​Am I making too much of this? How can you tell when a coffee is just a coffee? And can a woman ever really be just friends with a man anyway? I had been seriously debating buying a cheap gold band to wear​ and telling​ the world I am a widow​, but that seems too much like tempting the Fates, and I have done​ that often enough to know​ the disastrous results that follow.

In other news, I am only down 3 pounds, but my shirts are fitting slightly looser in areas, so I am trying to stay away from the scale and focusing on the buoyant​ feeling inside of me after working out, as limited as it may be. Keep me in your thoughts, you all, and with any luck, I will be snowshoeing​ in smaller ski pants come the new year!!

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reasons why my ex is not Satan…

It is sad-making as well as appalling the number of women who broil their ex-significant others online, be it in their own space or on any number of social media websites. The irony is that as adults, we all know that once we put things out there, there can be no guarantee or privacy, and while I do understand the therapeutic quality of letting go once and again, am curious to what end these rants accomplish. Is it to feel empowered, to feel safe, or simply one-upmanship?

I am not speaking of people who endured abuse, regardless of situation, but of those who are getting a fair sum of money, support for their children, and in some cases, even a birthday card or two. WHY do humans delight in mudslinging over acts of kindness? In shrieking with laughter at the discomfort of others, when we know how painful discomfort is? Why must the collective WE continue to disappoint, wallowing in the base reactions of humanity instead of finding ways to uplift us all?

I am writing today about my own Hubby-no-More. He will not see this post, so it is not self-serving in this way, but in another, one for just me, and those of you who decide to grab a coffee and read my meager words. I am here to say that despite our differences, discomforts, and even down-right fights, my ex is not the enemy. Sure, he stands for a life wrenched from me, but one I also willingly mentally vacated years before his courage brought us to a sad goodbye. Without further ado, here are a few reasons why he is not Public Enemy #1, Mr. Hyde, Dorian Gray, or any other manner of wretched human being that so many claim to have shared part of a life with.

1. He willingly gives me more, by a good percentage, than the court requires.
2. He pays for ALL of our foxling’s medical care, including insurance, co-pays, therapy, meds, and everything else, literally, leaving me with a 0% liability.
3. He does these things so I can stay in school without working, thereby allowing me to qualify for scholarships not otherwise available to me, as well as allowing me to keep the near-perfect GPA.
4. He encouraged me to re-sign my lease for another year, at an increased cost to himself, in order to give me weekly access to our child, even though said child is almost​ 17 and really couldn’t care less if I resided here or on Mars. =)
5. He responds to my texts usually within 24 hours, even when he pulls a 12-hour​ shift at the hospital. This is better than my school advisor, mother, and several friends. ​
6. His girlfriend invited me over to meet their new kittens, because I do not have any of my own, and we visited all morning without weirdness. Ok, this one really isn’t him per se, but it was his house, and his kittens​, so it counts in my book.

I could go on, but have classes this afternoon, a presentation, and working on an independent research proposal for next spring. My point? I realize many people, both men and women, have an ogre for an ex. BUT… not all of us do. Not every human in possession of a dick is a dick. And for us to air only our dirty laundry instead of our blessings is to perpetuate the stigma surrounding divorce and parenthood under less-than-ideal​ circumstances. I am tired of reading only about the negative, so thought I would​ share some positive vibes. Please chime in if you have something​ to share. Thanks as always for being there, peeps… Have a lovely!

a sad realization​…

Try as I might to blog on a more regular basis, school has really been ramping up and when looking for ways to squeeze extra minutes from the daylight hours, small spaces like this one get pushed to the back burner, then the broom closet, perhaps put in the trunk with the clothing donation I still need to drop off…

Applaud if you can relate…! =)

I am enjoying my cross-cultural education class, as well as the inquiry-based technology class this term. But I have a small seed of unease growing in my tummy, right nest to the watermelon seed I accidently ate last summer… As I turn further away from the mechanics and beauty of the written and spoken word to focus on hypothetical classroom scenarios that will apply to, at best, 10% of the graduating teachers who land sought after spots in affluent districts, I realize a little more of my spark is extinguished each day. I am most emphatically NOT looking for that cushy job with a Keurig in each of the 4 teacher’s lounges; instead, I am searching for the poorest school, the one in which the children desperately need every moment of instruction that I can dole out, until I finish the Doctorate program, after which I can live my passion by relocating and working for a Tribal school out west, where my heart resides and is whispering to me still…

Here is a statement that is going to break the internet… but I need to say it, because I am exhausted by the now-familiar undertone that my professors and classmates alike have when speaking to my specifically. It is not my fault I am white…

I am a 40soemthing, white woman. I did not order this body or these life circumstances, but I am in possession of them, and like people of every other color out there, I am trying to live my best, authentic life within the confines of said life. Every suggestion I make, no matter if it comes robbed shamelessly from the professor’s textbook itself, is met with “Well, ok, but the kids REALLY don’t need another white teacher to go in and save them.” Ok, valid point, but I do not want to SAVE them, I want to EDUCATE them. Maybe then, with a solid background and degree, they can go back to their towns and teach their children in a way that I cannot because I do not share their cultural similarities. Additionally, I am not looking at a “me versus them” scenario, instead I see myself as a resource that ALL my students can utilize to reach their own, best potential. I have to say it just one more time, I am not white because I tried to be white, I am because I was born this color, and no amount of tanning will erase my Scots lineage. And I am exhausted beyond belief from constantly apologizing for myself, and trying to smallerize my big and happy self in order to appease other students, who are getting a mere fraction of my GPA. Perhaps if more time were spent in studying and pursuit of the A, and less time criticizing my innate desire to push forward equality, everyone would have the grades I work so hard for, and the opportunities and scholarships these hard-won grades have EARNED me. But today, these “perks” are not seen as my hard work, but as something I was handed, due to my skin color. What no one in class sees is my anxiety over how I am going​ to pay rent without working and thereby making myself ineligible for thousands of tax-free scholarship dollars, or how my insurance tax credits got revoked, cancelling my policy, because I earned $499 more dollars, for a total of $17,620 in 2015. Or the fact that I take care of my car because it is an affordable lease that I am trying​ to keep spotless so I do not pay damage fees when I return it, even though it has a smooshed front bumper from a trip to the grocers. They do not see that I am a part-time mother​ who sees her child on the weekends only, during which time I am frantically working to keep that GPA up in my 6-7 classes a term, while my contemporaries take 4 classes and live on campus. I do not wear fancy clothes or have a nice haircut not because I am “old and lazy,”but because I simply cannot afford​ them. Funny… were my skin ANY other color, I would be told I am being marginalized. But I am white, so I am merely complaining.

And this group of “peers” is the ones who I will be spending the next 3 years with. No, they are not the teachers and families I will be interacting​ with in South Dakota, or New Mexico, but it is a long, hard road to that point, and I am tired. So let’s just say that skin color has nothing to do with one’s​ ability to be exhausted by the bullshit that life throws our way in the form of small-minded people. And maybe, in the future, we can celebrate our differences, and when we see someone trying to help those who have been given less-than, we can support them, regardless of their age, color, or pant size.

ct is trying to kill me…

I know this is supposed to be a bright and shiny new bloggity version of my developing Professorial awesomeness but can I just say… I think my state is trying to kill me.

My wonderful (no sarcasm​ at all here…) bitty Little house in the Big Wood is currently growing an interesting type of mildew in certain corners, damp is creeping in around the door, and the windows are sweating profusely. It may be having a heart attack, and trying to take me with it. Looking at it that way kind makes me feel all special and shit, but seriously, I have been sick since November and am officially done. Game over, I am debating quitting school and escaping to The Keys for some SUN dammit, but seeing as I just did my taxes and owe close to $1K, I think I have to wait a bit to flee the scene.

So today I have nothing of import to share, but wanted to make an appearance in honor of February, the shortest and sweetest month EVER! No, I am absolutely NOT trying to butter good old February up in order to avoid a blizzard when I least expect it… =) In all actuality, my dark secret is that I despise February, but totally​ LOVE it too. The cold and damp and snow and 17 minutes a day of sunlight just make me weep, but then you have those days of brilliant blue, no wind, snows all melted and you look up and are all like “Damn, what a pretty day!” And don’t let’s forget about St. Valentine’s Day!

Speaking of, Paul and I are creeping up steadily on 2 years, having just past 21 months. Did you hear that… 21 months… IN A ROW! =) =) The funny thing is that while this is our second go around for Feb 14, it is our first official Valentine’s Day! =) Let me explain…

Last year, we were knee deep in snow, bills, and sick. Seeing as we were not even together that day, we just decided to call bullshit on the whole day and if memory serves, I spent the evening with take-away and Grey’s Anatomy. It was perfect, considering. Bt this year, he will be here after work, YAY! Since we both get home late, no fancy dinner plans for us, but I was thinking if I manage to sneak in before he gets home, I will light candles all over the bedroom, brew a pot of coffee, and try to cram the girls into that little camisole top that makes me look like a pornstar. Ooh, I just remembered, I have some glitter-blush stuff that will match the blue silk perfectly!!!

In short, we are doing nothing special, just spending some much-needed time together. I am serious when I tell you all that I am a girl who appreciates the little things… don’t like grand gestures, am more appreciative of stuff like him taking out the recycling. I know it sounds silly, but after so many years feeling alone next to an uninterested man, it is wonderful to be with someone who is PRESENT. =)

I actually have nothing further to report, but just had to check in with my peeps. Have a wonderful week, I will try to post again in a few days, hopefully with something more substantial to say. =) Talk soon, lovies!

in theory…

So we are aware that I am officially an ED major now, and as such am beginning to realize there are more questions than answers when thinking about education policy and procedure in our fine country… (snort).

Teachers and even professors are bound by myriad rules put in place not to harm but to ensure the leveling of a playing field as crooked as a politician during election season. Unfortunately, plans that often are sublime on paper fail miserably when one adds the imperfect human element to the mix.

SO… there are rules and regulations, and there are humans with many different levels of education and experience interpreting them. Add to the mix each instructor’s input, desires, quirks, and ulterior motives, and one sees it is damn near impossible to actually create any semblance​ of fairness or equitability in a single classroom, let alone when multiplying by each school district times county times state… gulp. A formidable​ task to say the least.

So how does a neophyte address these issues? I have been gleaning small tidbits of how and why to do things based on my own classroom experiences. Sadly, I report that I have more items listed in the “NEVER, EVER DO” column than in the “OOH, GREAT IDEA” one. But it is a start, and we must start somewhere…

One thing I am thinking of doing for “warm-up,” which we have as allocated time for our own resources, is 4 level sentence diagramming. One interesting sentence on the board, from classic literature, pertainings somehow to our daily work. We discuss, and if they write it in their comp book, which I supply, then the next day when we discuss another sentence, I walk around and put smiles or checks on the previous page. Simple way to motivate, and no actual grading. Can be added as points toward final grade, and has the added bonus​ of… wait for it… actually encouraging deeper reading and explication skills!!! In an ENGLISH class!! WOOT! =) =) I am learning it does not take moving mountains, but rather small insights, to create a better and more inclusive classroom. Thoughts by my more illustrious​ betters? Gotta go study not, peeps. Namaste, and thanks for being here. =)

hello, wednesday…

It does not escape me that I am an English major, one who has found a passion for the structured intricacies​ of form and function rules of our ever-adapting language, yet I insist on NOT capitalizing the titles of posts. Is this a quirk, an unconscious play on words, or simply a middle finger thrown at the thesis board committee? Probably a mix of the three, as we have already established I am rather a complex creature… =)

At any rate, I find another week half gone, January melting away faster than the disappearing snow from the filthy shrubs lining my Little House in the Big Wood. I was tempted to set aside my schoolwork today and chat here by an unexpected visit from an old bloggity friend. I realized last night that I miss the interaction with you all, the ones who have been around for the long haul, and the new ones who have such insight to share with yours truly.

However, as previously discussed, I am metamorphosizing at an alarming rate, and my wants and needs develop and shift seemingly with the wind. Of course, there is more to it that that… I am becoming something more, something new, improved, and focused. As it is with everyone, I must decide what I want, what I need, and where this space fits into my increasingly busy days. I can tell you that I am here to stay, even when it seems I have disappeared. =)

So what has this student been up to as of late? I am taking 5 upper-level courses this semester, with EDU designators, finally signifying my first steps toward licensure​ in my chosen field. I am also enjoying my Chaucer class, much to my amazement and delight​. It is frightfully hard, and my professor is so brilliant​ my head hurts after a convo with her, but after only 3 lectures I have already learned SO MUCH! While I am not going to take my grad degree in Medieval Literature, this does prepare me well for my Senior Seminar, as well as meeting ALL upper-level​ requirements for both school and state. So I was able to make a truly smart choice when registering, for a change. Feels good to be a bit in control, even if it is only the illusion of control and nothing like the real thing… I wonder how I will fit back into the “real” world once my degrees are done, and “all” I have​ to do is work, and not plan every decision 9 months ahead? ​My sweet Paul, 21 months into our relationship (how the HELL has it been so long already??!!), still does not “get” my need to constantly do so much ahead of time. His work as a lineman consists basically of putting out fires all day. Something​ breaks, he fixes it. Something blows up, he replaces it. Tornado blows away lines, he strings new. Drunk driver rams pole​ at midnight, his crew is there to dig a spot to plunk down a new one. All this while dealing with enough voltage to literally disintegrate anyone foolish enough to not be completely aware​ of their surroundings every moment of the obligatory 20-hour​ shifts… in other words, he REACTS. It suits him; he is great under pressure, calm in an emergency. But planning ahead? Not so much. Where he has spent the last 20 years trying to not burst into flames, I have spent the last 3 laying foundations for professional exams 2 years out. Ridiculous, no? How will I ever learn to live in the present again? I am hoping with enough homework-free weekends and cold beer, I will adjust just fine.

And here I am once again, not saying anything of real import, but blathering on in true Tish-fashion. But as you all know me so well, I am hoping you would not have it any other way. Namaste, peeps. Glad to be back, and glad that you decided to stick around. =)

crickets…

Hmm… the sound of silence… trite but true. Things have been getting quieter and quieter as the days melt by, and I wonder if you all ran away to some deserted island without internet access… and if so, WHY didn’t you bring me too??!! =)

I am sitting here, trying to get warm after a long morning of hiking, coffee with friends, laundry, groceries, and mopping the ever-filthy kitchen floor. Which is something else I don’t understand, as he does not wear his work boots​ in the house, and even if he did, HOW would he levitate into the back of the house where the kitchen is? Curiouser and curiouser…

The wind is blowing​ ferociously out there, and while the sun is brighter than ever, it is damned chilly! Days should be mid 50’s which is lovely for this time of year, and with any li=uck, should keep the white stuff at bay. While I would adore a white Christmas​ with an inch of fluffy snow, I am by no means ready for the ice-scraping, shoveling, slippery roads bullshit that comes along with the season.

I literally have nothing, but wanted to check in before I attack the mountain of research sitting here, threatening to spill over and knock me off the couch. Lmfao.

Namaste, peeps. =)

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