a small stone growing larger…

It is illogical to think that over time, a small rock can grow into a huge boulder, covered with a thousand years of moss. Erosion and climate change would not allow for this lovely sentiment… but what if it were possible, what if it were true?

I am a small stone. Lifetimes ago, happiest when surrounded by rushing waters, I was worn down and nestled into the stream bed, my place assured, integral… at peace.

Now I find I am buffeted by winds, and want no part of it. Smallerizing, that it. I want to be placed in a warm meadow, surrounded by cherry trees, with shreds of moss to my right. I want that moss to creep closer, and cover me. And I want to swell under the collective warmth of my green carpet. I want to lay my wanderlust aside, clutch firmly to the earth, and patiently wait a hundred lifetimes to increase. I want to grow thru endurance, not always be fresh and sparkling. I want to become the wisdom of the ages, not some western representation of renewal.

Can you tell I’ve been listening to the Japanese National Anthem on a sun-warmed patio this morning? Predictable, that’s me in a word as of late. =)

Regardless, I do so want some semblance of permanence. I don’t want to be the dandelion of the universe, sweet but fluff. I don’t want to be the appendix, but long to become part of the neural structure; a part so integral that were it missing, the loss would be felt reverberating thru lifetimes.

Is this a normal part of identity crisis in midlife, a narcissistic psychological disorder, or simply the universe trying to tell me I am certainly NOT fulfilling the role which I was meant for, and to get my puny ass in gear ? I tend to go with option 3, but am at a loss of what exactly my role is, and how I should proceed…

Were I a friend or client of mine, I would advise 6 months of developing a yoga practice, deepening my meditation work, and taking that 6 months to not act, just ponder in what ways acting can be beneficial. Unfortunately, with school admission deadlines and the elusive 4.0 ruling my life at present, there simply is no time to step back and see the forest, rather that the particular tree.

Biggerizing, patience, wisdom is what I crave. Do you as well ? Have you found it ? Or is a freshly-scrubbed, microdermabrasion version of yourself, complete with prickly-stinging skin the way you choose to go ? Comments appreciated, peeps. Namaste, lovelies… =) =)

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Agatha Ann
    Nov 03, 2015 @ 21:24:23

    I feel like I know exactly what you’re feeling. I’m just constantly moving in a direction and never fully sure if it is the right direction. It seems, however, that brakes are not an option.

    Reply

  2. tishmoon
    Nov 03, 2015 @ 23:03:38

    Ah… so you are in possession of a run-away life as well… =)

    Reply

  3. Alice
    Nov 07, 2015 @ 18:02:05

    I don’t know what exactly qualifies as “normal” in a midlife identity crisis — only that as my own seems to be reaching a conclusion of sorts, I do not have a whole lot more answers, or clarity. I just feel more at ease with the uncertainty. Dandelion fluff no longer seems so bad a thing to be as it once did, provided I keep solid friendships with some of the other fluff who also float…

    Reply

    • tishmoon
      Nov 07, 2015 @ 22:12:07

      Ooh… Alice, thank you. =) I really think I am on the cusp of something so big, so altering that my psyche has me turning to the side, instead of watching for it head-on, so the flash of light or inspiration doesn’t blind me ! =) =)

      Or… maybe I just need to lay off the coffee and eat more sweets. =)

      Reply

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