hello, wednesday…

It does not escape me that I am an English major, one who has found a passion for the structured intricacies​ of form and function rules of our ever-adapting language, yet I insist on NOT capitalizing the titles of posts. Is this a quirk, an unconscious play on words, or simply a middle finger thrown at the thesis board committee? Probably a mix of the three, as we have already established I am rather a complex creature… =)

At any rate, I find another week half gone, January melting away faster than the disappearing snow from the filthy shrubs lining my Little House in the Big Wood. I was tempted to set aside my schoolwork today and chat here by an unexpected visit from an old bloggity friend. I realized last night that I miss the interaction with you all, the ones who have been around for the long haul, and the new ones who have such insight to share with yours truly.

However, as previously discussed, I am metamorphosizing at an alarming rate, and my wants and needs develop and shift seemingly with the wind. Of course, there is more to it that that… I am becoming something more, something new, improved, and focused. As it is with everyone, I must decide what I want, what I need, and where this space fits into my increasingly busy days. I can tell you that I am here to stay, even when it seems I have disappeared. =)

So what has this student been up to as of late? I am taking 5 upper-level courses this semester, with EDU designators, finally signifying my first steps toward licensure​ in my chosen field. I am also enjoying my Chaucer class, much to my amazement and delight​. It is frightfully hard, and my professor is so brilliant​ my head hurts after a convo with her, but after only 3 lectures I have already learned SO MUCH! While I am not going to take my grad degree in Medieval Literature, this does prepare me well for my Senior Seminar, as well as meeting ALL upper-level​ requirements for both school and state. So I was able to make a truly smart choice when registering, for a change. Feels good to be a bit in control, even if it is only the illusion of control and nothing like the real thing… I wonder how I will fit back into the “real” world once my degrees are done, and “all” I have​ to do is work, and not plan every decision 9 months ahead? ​My sweet Paul, 21 months into our relationship (how the HELL has it been so long already??!!), still does not “get” my need to constantly do so much ahead of time. His work as a lineman consists basically of putting out fires all day. Something​ breaks, he fixes it. Something blows up, he replaces it. Tornado blows away lines, he strings new. Drunk driver rams pole​ at midnight, his crew is there to dig a spot to plunk down a new one. All this while dealing with enough voltage to literally disintegrate anyone foolish enough to not be completely aware​ of their surroundings every moment of the obligatory 20-hour​ shifts… in other words, he REACTS. It suits him; he is great under pressure, calm in an emergency. But planning ahead? Not so much. Where he has spent the last 20 years trying to not burst into flames, I have spent the last 3 laying foundations for professional exams 2 years out. Ridiculous, no? How will I ever learn to live in the present again? I am hoping with enough homework-free weekends and cold beer, I will adjust just fine.

And here I am once again, not saying anything of real import, but blathering on in true Tish-fashion. But as you all know me so well, I am hoping you would not have it any other way. Namaste, peeps. Glad to be back, and glad that you decided to stick around. =)

crickets…

Hmm… the sound of silence… trite but true. Things have been getting quieter and quieter as the days melt by, and I wonder if you all ran away to some deserted island without internet access… and if so, WHY didn’t you bring me too??!! =)

I am sitting here, trying to get warm after a long morning of hiking, coffee with friends, laundry, groceries, and mopping the ever-filthy kitchen floor. Which is something else I don’t understand, as he does not wear his work boots​ in the house, and even if he did, HOW would he levitate into the back of the house where the kitchen is? Curiouser and curiouser…

The wind is blowing​ ferociously out there, and while the sun is brighter than ever, it is damned chilly! Days should be mid 50’s which is lovely for this time of year, and with any li=uck, should keep the white stuff at bay. While I would adore a white Christmas​ with an inch of fluffy snow, I am by no means ready for the ice-scraping, shoveling, slippery roads bullshit that comes along with the season.

I literally have nothing, but wanted to check in before I attack the mountain of research sitting here, threatening to spill over and knock me off the couch. Lmfao.

Namaste, peeps. =)

fish sans chips…

I joked the other day about WANTING, really wanting, like in wanting-to-infinity some fish and chips… should have made myself a little less vague…

Paul calls yesterday on his way to his sister’s place to help her move for a few hours so I could get some semblance of work done in his absence. No, I have not figured out how to write papers while he is here, looking all sexy and stuff. =)

So he asks me if I want a fish tank, says it’s free, good shape, has fish and filter, all that jazz. I mumbled my interest and assent, and hung up, desperate to finish my work while the thoughts were still coherent. The phone rings about an hour later, he asks if I am at a good stopping place, to which I assure him the affirmative. He asks me where he should put it, as he will b home in about 15 minutes. PUT WHAT? The fish tank, of course. Sigh.

I thought it was a more relative question, we talk about salt water tanks and sea stars often. I thought he meant this freshwater tank would reside at his place until we cohabited. I thought he meant some other time… to which he replied he can turn around, drop it at his place, and be back up here by 11pm. Sigh.

It really IS a nice tank, now that we got the new filter going. The fish seem happy, and curious, busily blowing sand in scattered piles while the other guy hangs upside down from algae covered rocks, his food source that I am not allowed to scrub off while boyfriend is at work. Like I would put my hands in a dirty fish tank, snort.

Photos forthcoming, have not had the time or energy to take snaps and transfer them to computer. In other news, early birthday gift of kayak and accoutrement happily broken in, day trip to Watch hill for fishing checked off our Summer To Do list, and museum visit to ooh over plaster reproductions of Greek sculpture accomplished. Final shot before another scope of knee, done. Surgery moved to back burner until further notice. Pounds lost, zero. Pounds of toys gained and now piled in living room, 217. Pairs of shoes not in closet because door blocked by his kayak, 5. Dead worms dropped from tackle box onto front stoop, 2. Not a frayed mess, however, because new neighbor smokes about a pound of medical grade a day on the adjoining back porch, so I just hobble into the kitchen and breathe deeply a few times a day. It’s all good, baby. =)

busy sunday morning…

My to-do list has apparently been eating the Miracle-Gro, because it is a veritable beast of epic proportions now, and has me cornered in the kitchen…

It being Sunday, this is somewhat of a me-day, although foxling is abed and likely to be there for the duration. I got up before dawn, choked down my health shake and a yogurt, vitamined and lotion myself silly, and plunked down on the couch to take advantage of the silence and bang out another in the never-ending litany of Nutrition exams. Check that off the list, managed to write 4 pages for my next SOC paper, and my energy has dissipated in the manner of leaky balloons… fizzling out a bit at a time, now I find myself spent and in dire need of another cup of liquid energy, aka French Press.

I need to finish this 10 page paper today, begin another research project, and write another paper, this one only 8 pages, which I hope to hand in on Thursday. A bit mad, really, but if I can get these things crossed off, then it will be fairly smooth sailing for the remainder of the term. I try to front-load as much as possible, in the often futile attempt to allow myself the last 2 weeks of the semester in which to do nothing but prepare for the exit exams. Well, that is the plan, at least…

Paul is gone fishing, literally as well as metaphorically, and is due back home here with me on Wednesday night. It has been a bit lonely, but rather wonderful getting so much work done, and not picking up or cooking… salads, Lean Cuisine, and apples have been my diet since he left last Tuesday at midnight, and I cannot tell you how lovely it has been not washing but 3 dishes a day! I do so love the man, but damn, he does add a bit of work to the housekeeping routine. He is down in Nashville rebuilding cars, fishing, and doing all manner of boy things with his mates. Ray lives up here, but Mike resides down in TN, so for the 3 of them to get a week together is a rare treat. He called last night, all sleepy-tousled voice cracking with cigarettes and whiskey, sounding for all the world like a man doing exactly as he pleases for a change. Mmm… I do so love that tone of voice, and all the possibility and calm that was behind his playful banter. Vacation needs to be something of a more frequent experience, especially for those who labor outside with their hands for a living.

I need to get back to the grind, but wanted to check in and wish those who celebrate a very Happy Easter, and those who do not, just a very Happy Day. =) Love you all, my peeps… and aren’t you proud of me that the only sugar I have consumed today is the smidge in my coffee??!! She shoots, she scores… woot-woot! Of course, the foxing has eaten enough candy and treats already this weekend from her huge combination Solstice/Easter guilt basket I already gave her to cover my consumption, as well as several of yours, lmao. =) Here’s to enjoying your sugar coma, lovelies. Namaste…

snow day…

Icy rain pelts the window panes, staccato beat making my feet twitch…

Wind rushes across rooftops and catches in the tree branches, eerily beckoning me from my cocoon of warmth…

Diesel engines rumble to life in the distance, sounding like ancient beasts, signaling the plowing will commence in short order…

Snow day, hunting day, day to stay under the covers for just one more kiss… gulped coffee, I’ll scrape the windshield if you shovel the steps. “Here, I got the mail little girl” and “Look, I packed you a dry outfit for the ride home”…

Textbooks piled comfortingly on the couch beside me, coffee steaming away, laptop open, word document started for Humanities and turkey roasting in the oven. Waiting for the wet, shivering man to reappear, I daydream of a hot shower and dinner on the couch, wrapped in robes, watching a documentary about tigers…

Snow day, off day, relaxing day. Happy day, slow day, snow day…

Namaste, peeps… =)

december…

Beautiful, sunny days and bitterly cold nights… on call shifts breaking our slumber, and being awakened as he returns to bed, wrapping around me… turning to the chilled man and pulling him closer still, transferring my warmth to his chilly chest and frozen toes, kisses from hot lips to cool ones…

Isobel is happy, as we finally broke out the Star Wars advent calendar and she caught up on the days when she is with her dad. She enjoyed a happy 20 minutes assembling the tidbits and creating small-scale wars. Grinning like a small child, I was filled with a sense of loss… for the child she was, for our simple relationship and for her childhood. This teen is in for a challenging time, most of her own making. As I watched her gently smashing the bitty toys together with lots of sound effects, I prayed silently that the calm would remain in her heart, and she would hold onto the sheer joy of the moment…

Bill paying, packing boxes for her to bring to her father’s place. Making grocers lists, budgeting in goodies and necessities, next semester’s classes in the back of my mind. Sipping coffee, munching carrot coins and humming quietly to myself happily. Day over now, I am finishing up small chores and getting ready to put my feet up for the night. A peaceful evening to you all… =)

image2  image1

ps… note the drawing all over her jeans ? She says they are her “art pants”… I especially love the waving tree… =)

lightness of being…

Perspective; that’s the name of the game, sweet peeps. Yesterday began with me literally falling out of bed. Cut myself shaving in the shower, stubbed toe on sink… spilled lactose into my agar mixture, got only a 93 % on my maths test and was late for every class. Got home late, spilled SpagBol all over my freshly-changed-into shirt and shorts, and sucked up the iPad charging cord with the vacuum. Burned his steak, put dressing in my coffee and milk on his salad…

All in all, an utter disaster from beginning to end… or at least until the end of the miserably-long, without-Paul weekend, which happened to be at 8pm last night, when he thankfully, happily, blissfully walked thru the front door. All of a sudden, the stress of not getting a paycheck for 6 weeks, my daughter’s struggle with her depression meds, and the nightmarish day faded to the background, where they belong. No, I am not saying that a smile from him is more important than taking care of my child or financial obligations, but his presence has a way of focusing me back to my normal state and of putting things exactly in their place once again… which is to say their rightful place, but not in the position of warring for the ubiquitous honor of shattering my sanity, you know ? =)

Did you know that from a neurobiological standpoint, we know if we can fall in love with someone within 5 minutes of our first conversation with them ? That doesn’t mean we will choose to, only that we actually have the ability to subconsciously weed thru the brambles in mere minutes. I realize that with the way my brain works with my particular gifts and unique perspectives, this has been utterly true and noticeable my whole life. I have dated some seriously perfect-on-paper men, men with whom I was a perfect, smart match, and with whom a solid, happy and fulfilling life could have been built… except from the moment I began to speak to them, I knew it would never happen. As in, never, not if the human race depended on it kind of feeling. I SHOULD have been attracted to them, but something was missing…

By the same token, I tend to fall in like quickly. Luckily for me, this also passes rather quickly as while I am in possession of a starry-eyed romantic heart, my mind is a pragmatic, prosaic whirring machine, inputting data and extrapolating scenarios faster than one can usually get thru a first date. To say men find me infuriating is an understatement. =)

Then there was Paul… do you realize the intimacy implied with you in sharing his name (as well as mine own) with you all ? Nina and Paul, Karen and Paul, KD and Paul, Paul and I, me and him, us two bunnies, together… Thankfully midnight last marked the end of his on call week, and it was with much exhaustion and sleepy-eyed joy that we were up at that late hour last night, talking and back rubs, laughter and the ever-present bedtime ritual of chasing me around the bed for one more tickle and one more kiss, followed by the fruit tile match up game. I awoke in the wee hours, wondering what it was that interrupted my slumber, and realized it was lightness of being. Unbearable, one might say… my age showing there, lol ! But seriously, pure calmness of spirit is what made me wake and thank the universe for the return to my usual state. Sighing happily, I held onto him like an otter entwined amongst her kelp…

I was up at 5 to do maths and prep for a paper, and he stumbled out of the bedroom around 7:30, wearing my fluffy white robe, his curls sticking straight from his sleepy brow, for all the world looking like Wonderland’s White Rabbit… bursting with laughter, I went to him, and as he enveloped me in his plush-covered arms, I again realized that while nothing is permanent on a molecular level, there is no where I would rather be than in my chilly morning kitchen with this strong, stoic roughneck of a man, and that if I knew a little less, I just might believe in forever, really and for true…

And I just HAD to put aside my books for a moment, and rejoice here with you. I know this is a season of change, a worrisome time for many of us, with stress and strife, and no small amount of bad juju flying around. I know this is small, perhaps meaningless, but I can promise you with utter and perfect certainty that it is all good. Every little thing’s gonna be alright, peeps… storms are sometimes destructive, but they have a way of washing away the ick and allowing us to see our world with fresh eyes. Know I love you all, wish for you all the happiness that your hearts can possibly hold today, and a deep and abiding contentment to wash your particular troubles away, no matter how insurmountable or insignificant they may seem. Namaste… =)

ouch…

Had to “trim the hedges” this morning, and shave my legs, and shower, do my hair, put on a bit of makeup… nope, no date, just a doctor appointment. =) Pretty bad when you put more effort into looking presentable for an exam than you do a date. Not that I am dating, but I have been out for numerous cups of coffee with men, and I will admit, the prep for that was minimal. =)

So I found myself, after much traffic, confusion and a few wrong turns, at the Gyno this morning, foxling in tow. I was there to address a problem, and it was decided that they would do a uterine biopsy while I was there, to speed up the process before I actually get into the ER. “Oh joy, oh bliss” she muttered under her breath… nothing better that having a metal bottle brush shoved up your hoo-ha. Of course, I bled like a stuck pig and was forced to lay there for a goodly while, legs still in stirrups, head down and a cold pack across my abdomen. At least I got a couple of codeine out of the deal, making the drive home much more enjoyable.

I have another appointment on Tuesday for more testing, then will have a week during which to decide which procedure I will have done. I can opt for less invasive all the way to hysterectomy… I need to fit this in before we all start classes, so it is going to have to be August, or over December break. I am hoping to get it taken care of in August, so that is one less thing to worry about.

After lunch and some quiet time, my foxling and I went to the library to grab books for the week. We had a great time in the non-fiction section and found some gems to enjoy. We were planning a beach day tomorrow, but instead will spend our time relaxing, cooking some chicken and salad and reading the day away. This was her idea, as she is exhausted, but I am happy to report I was in full agreement. We are both desperately in need of a solid day at home, down time with nothing but the rustling of pages to distract us from thought-provoking stories…

I am headed upstairs for a while, time to snuggle down with motrin, blankies and my darling girl. Long day down, quiet night ahead…

sunday smiles…

My foxling is home after a week with her family in CA… she came back with a head cold, but deeply happy and full of stories and new experiences. We did absolutely nothing yesterday, choosing instead to eat together, read, relax and simply listen to one another. She spent a fair amount of time alone in her room, followed by snuggling with me on the couch, or helping me prepare salads and chicken. It was peaceful, a nice way to become reacquainted with her newly emerging self. She is such a chameleon right now; trading in her baby ways for new opinions, skills and interests… 13 going on 40. =) My favorite thing we have done so far is laying on her bed, listening to tunes, talking about her grandpa and how beautiful that part of CA is. They were in the Central Coast area, one of my fav parts of this wide world. =) Santa Cruz, Monterey, Big Sur… the raw beauty and relatively small populations make this the perfect area in which to find peace and beauty. While it was still too chilly to spend their days swimming, they enjoyed traipsing around the beaches and towns, and I hear it was everything they hoped it would be. =) I am excited to talk to New Girl and hear her opinions. This was the first time she has been out west and I remember how amazed I was, seeing those cliffs and wide expanses of ocean for the first time. =) Hmm… I need to find a better moniker for her.

I got the car washed only a few days ago, and already it is covered with pollen again. I will take it thru the wash again tomorrow with my foxling, she LOVES being inside the car when it is on the tracks. Because our spring began so late this year, we are dealing with some horrendous pollen counts and the projected end date is the middle of July. Seriously ?! We were on the patio for only about 10 minutes yesterday morning when she started sneezing and her eyes puffed up… she looked like a Koala bear, poor foxling ! Looks like our walks will be early morning or late evening for a while. When my mom is here, we are headed down to the Long Island Sound area, and all that beach air will clear out her sinuses. Maybe some ice cream and fried fish will help, too… =)

Taking every small victory where I can find it, I am embracing my measly 3/4 # reduction this week with open arms. I had a long chat this past week with my Dr. and she is very supportive, and thinks I have all the tools I need to continue making progress. She said this slow down is to be expected and it ALWAYS happens when you have a significant amount of weight to lose. I am more than 1/2 way to the smallest end of my desired weight range, and this past month has really not yielded the results I had come to expect. Newly lean muscle tissue is kicking up my metabolism, (YAY !) which is the real goal, but that also means now I need to adjust my calories, workout routines and meal plans. I had JUST gotten used to doing it all this way, I have it down to a science now, and do not need to look up nutrition info, as I know exactly how much I eat every day. I am reading a book that the DR recommended, and while I am not exactly thrilled about creating a whole new formula for myself, I am happy that I have the means and support to finish what I started. I have a picture of the most gorgeous sundress in my notebook, and every time I sit down to study, I think about how the silky fabric will swish on the back of my knees… my smile feels better than eating any manner of treats. =)

Watching completely trashy telly with my foxling… since she is recovering from sick, is wracked by sneezing and stuffiness, jet-lagged and on her moon-time, I called a time out for today and let her sleep until the cold syrup wore off. =) We are now getting ready to watch “Hansel and Gretel, Witch Hunters”… something she has been begging to see. Yes, it is an R-rated film, and yes, it is about killing witches. But this is a child who is well-versed in The French Revolution and used to tell her dolls they would be beheaded by Madame La Guillotine if they misbehaved. She also, at age 3, referred to Anne Boleyn as “that wretched whore”… so pretend violence doesn’t usually phase her. I have worked for many years to keep questionable movies from her eyes and ears, and now that she is older, she is comfortable in the distinction between reality and movies. I know this is not my finest moment, but the squeals of delight were enough to sway me. =)

The family of groundhogs were exploring today… I was headed our front to sit on the porch when I saw them scamper from the bush beside my door to under my neighbor’s car… they poked their heads out from under the front bumper, and nibbled at the grass growing sparsely thru the cracks in the concrete. When I made those “here kitty” noises at them, they crept closer until they were less than 3 feet from my outstretched hand, coming closer to the steps and sniffing about. I would have crept closer to them, but mumma was there, issuing cautionary grunts to the wayward babies… they eventually toddled away after her, to the far yard and large trees there. I am SO HAPPY that I saw this today… cannot begin to tell you how adorable they are getting ! =) =)

I better go now, grab some cold drinks and turn out the lights. My foxling is gasping with excitement, and I do not know how much longer before she hyperventilates. =) Enjoy your sunny Sunday, no matter what you do… and have a lovely !

 

late to bed, early to rise, and construction…

SERIES POST #10…

Jumping right in, step 10 is to SET BOUNDARIES. It is up to each of us to define what makes us feel respected and to communicate that to others. This is our responsibility. Be honest, be respectful, but we can absolutely determine what we are willing to receive and and express kindly what is and what is not acceptable to us.

I had the chance to do this last night at just after 11pm… our neighbors teen son was playing his video game at an unreal volume, and I went over to ask if he could adjust the volume just a tad. She was apologetic, he was sullen, and the game immediately was muted… only had to listen to about 30 minutes of arguing after which they were reasonably quiet for the remainder of the night. I also took the bull by the horns and asked our drunk neighbor 2 doors down who was sitting in her car, with the engine running and radio blasting, directly below my foxling’s bedroom window no less, if she would like to turn it down or go inside… she was fighting with her boyfriend and besides, was texting… no luck on that front, but at least I said my piece. It is official, I am putting in my vacancy notice next month. I like culture as much as the next girl, but things are getting a bit too nuts around here for my taste.

As we were making eggs for my girl at 7:30 this morning, we were shocked by a large BOOM and a row of trucks and diggers filing into the parking lot. I began to worry when I looked out the window and saw them tearing up the pavement, around all the parked cars… “good thing I got the extra insurance on the rental” was my first thought. After 2 hours they were done, and sped away to “fix” another area. Boys with their machines…

We finally were able to begin her lessons after the noise and smoke abated. I taught her algebra, went over the practice and now she is working happily in her room on her problem set while I made some much-needed coffee and grabbed the laptop. I am going to log into my group and work on her early transcripts while she finishes up her maths, then we will dive into our regular routine. I have adjusted her writing program for the rest of the term, as she was getting bored and I saw no need to continue with something that she has mastered. She is loving the new projects, as we are switching back and forth between short SAT-type essays and long, formal essays in MLA format. I like that she is getting both types of paper under her belt, and am of the belief that the more practice a child gets, the better they are able to write and express themselves in a coherent way. She is working hard and is happy, so things are great on that front.

It was hard when The Professor moved out, to predict her reactions and behavior. It has been since December now and she is doing better that I hoped for. Sure, she has her days, and is beginning to develop that “2-home” child mentality… you know, where they give the “bad cop” parent a ration of grief. Take a wild guess who that happens to be… She has not tried to pit us against one another, and I have no worries about that because we are really trying to maintain our rules and a united front, you know ? I am happy to report that while we have had our small struggles, her schoolwork has not suffered very much, and she seems to be back up to her normal, high performing level. She was fooling around in math for a few months, and her grade slipped down to a “B+”, which shocked her. However, she has gotten nothing but very high “A’s” lately, and that has done wonders for her attitude. I am sure it boosted her confidence as well, because this is a girl who has never had to work for perfect grades before, and now that she is working so far above grade level, she has to make a real effort at times. Her hard work is paying off, and I was happy to reward her with online classes for this fall that will challenge her to her full potential. Oh, I forgot to do that post… will have to write that one soon. =)

She is very bored with this area, and has exhausted all her resources, so this is another reason I want to relocate us closer to her dad. The area in which he lives is very rural, woodsy and remote. She has a sense of freedom there that she is lacking here, and I am eager to get set up in a smaller and more close-knit community. I have to admit, that is really something I miss about being in the military… I always took it for granted, that being part of a similar group. I also am looking forward to having a smaller house… 1600 sq ft is too large for us two ladies, and is a bear to clean with all 3 levels needing daily attention. The idea of a tiny flat with 2 bedrooms, only one bath and a large back area sounds perfect to me right about now. The living room is of decent size sand the kitchen is spacious with a teensy spot for the table and 2 chairs. Of course, being situated in the woods, I will have to liberally coat her in bug spray on a daily basis all summer, but I guess it is a small price to pay for the ability to race out the back door and play for hours, the way I got to when I was a kid. =) She has friends in the area already, with whom she plays basketball, and rides bikes, and generally just enjoys time with.  I am crossing my fingers that the moving dates even slightly line up, and am willing to put any overlap onto my swollen credit card… it is for emergencies after all, and if my foxling’s happiness does not qualify, I don’t know what would. =)

Time to grab another cuppa and get back to work… have a lovely.

 

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