words for the day… take 16

“Not all men who court you love you. Some are just testing your stupidity”

UNKNOWN, but man, she really knows of what she speaks !

 

Ok, it has been a month since the last post. That was such a happy time, a silly time; borrowed time to be sure, but “what the hell”, we thought while laughing, “we will take what we can get and hold onto it for as long as we can”… stupid, stupid, STUPID TISH ! Grr…

Don’t doubt the veracity of his love for me, or mine for him. Love was never our problem. Reality was. My Bear, The Bear, that fkn lugubrious Ursidae… he was Eeyore to my Tigger, the Caterpillar to my Cheshire Cat. Unyielding river rock to my babbling brook, storm clouds to my sunny days… dark-eyed and dark-moods, sadness swirling around him the way colors follow me. I am up early, he is a late riser. I do, he contemplates. For him, family is tantamount to reality; I am a rambling gal upon who’s sandals moss could never grow. I laugh, he sighs, I dance, he curls into himself. I love the man he is, but also love his potential… he is in awe of me and wonders when something new and shiny will catch my eye. He is solid and staid, I am ephemeral and ever-evolving.

I said months ago that I love him too much to want him to change who he is to be with me. I also respect myself too much to cripple myself to fit into his world. We seriously thought that we had time, more time… not unlimited perhaps, but always more than this. Seriously ?! How utterly and completely wrong can 2 people be ??!! Rest assured that The Fates are chortling with glee this evening, at our expense…

This is not a pride thing, it is not a unwilling to compromise thing. It is about being two people who are so fundamentally different that our only common ground lies in the love we share. Great for bedding one another, not so much when we want an actual relationship. Every, single thing I do is so out of his scope of reality and experience that I may as well be an exhibit to be “oohed” over and not a partner. The same can be said for me, so do not think this is for lack of trying.

My favorite professor and I had coffee today, and I broke down and told him what is bothering me, after weeks of his gentle inquiries. Then he said something so laughable that I almost cried. “Well of course things will never work out with ANY man you meet up here… other than career military guys who are well traveled. Your problem is that you are Disney, the Pyramids and Vegas all rolled into one laughing, hip-swaying, sparkly package. Of COURSE they want you, you are new, and shiny and amazing. But sweet girl, no one lives at Disney. They go home to what they know”… well, fuck me sideways. SO I am some fantastic treat, but not for real ?! I guess you are wondering why I am all up in arms over this statement, when I sincerely do not want marriage, or even a live-in situation. I guess the premise that my outlook on life is so foreign that no one can take me completely seriously is a little disconcerting. To be fair, they LOVE me in Denmark, and San Fran, and Texas, too… but these sweet, puritanical boys with their whiskers and their familial ties and their lead covered feet just don’t know what the hell to do with me. If they would get over themselves for a moment, I would tell them, show them even… is a lasting, monogamous sexual friendship really such a foreign concept ? For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT fall in love with me, do not envision a lasting future with me, because then I just might buy into all that hype and get my heart broken too… for the second time in a year… by a man who I choose expressly because there could be no lasting future in it…

So there you have it. Between work and classes, parenting and trying to fit in workouts and coffee dates, I simply do not have the time to sit back and watch my life unravel. I NEED to put myself first. Shit, why does this being a big girl thing have to be so hard ? So I am gonna get up early tomorrow, NOT drive to MA, and instead workout and drink a shake. I am gonna put “Need you Now” on repeat and take a scalding shower, sniffle a bit, then towel off and play some happy-making music. I am gonna work for several hours instead of having mad-great sex, and then I am gonna go meet my new, cute cop friend for a cup of java. It is the least I can do, after talking myself out of that ticket last week. =) And It will be all good, because somehow, in Tish’s world, it always is.

quote of the day…

“It wasn’t about trying to figure out what to do so that he would act the way I wanted him to… it was about accepting the way he was and acting the way I wanted to regardless of how he made me feel..”

Separation and divorce mean very little when you share a child, because you are still “stuck” learning life lessons with someone who does not want to be involved in your life any longer. This is a tough one…

Off to meditate, chant and breathe…

the beat goes on…

We were so many,

We were working as one,

We were miles of roiling wheat

In a sizzling summer’s heat.

But now we are scattered

And flung far apart,

But you and I still live as one

Through coals in the heart.

And if anything is left

Of the coal in the soul,

Oh, flash it to me.

-Ed Sanders, “Keeping The Issues Alive”

our legacy…

“American has a legacy of fighting extreme poverty around the globe.”

This is a fact.  Does our Government ALWAYS step in with aid ? Do we help only those we have a vested interest in ?  If we actively prevent 840,000 people globally from starving in one year, does it really matter ?  Can we, as Americans, be proud of the fact that we have helped many millions of people around the globe in the past 50 years ?  At times, I wish we would do more for those from whom we can never hope to benefit.  Being in the USCG for  years, I saw firsthand those who were not important enough to warrant our attention, yet I also saw many who cried in thanks.  To those we do assist, the help is immediate and rewarding.  The long term ramifications of this aid may not be in their best interests, but we did indeed HELP.

As I get older, my perspective changes and I allow myself to think outside of my comfort zone.  The truth of the matter is that while humans struggle to maintain our existence, some of us get pushed to the bottom of the barrel. If I can help only one person in my life, I can say at least, for that ONE PERSON, I have made a positive difference.  Is every government corrupt on some level ?  YES.  But is this what I have to work with right now, in my lifetime ? Once again, yes.  I am taking a proactive roll in how my world is shaped.  I make phone calls for political contenders, I educate myself about my local representatives, and I vote for the person whom I think can make the most positive outcomes.

We all have a choice today.  We can complain, and say our voice is not being heard.  Or we can get out there, make some noise, and BE HEARD.  Please take the time to vote today.  Not out of anger, or pride.  But for the candidate whom you believe can make the most of the mess our country is right now.  Please vote for YOU, but remember your children, the elderly and those who are unrepresented.  Our legacy will be passed on, and we have a chance today to give it a push in the direction we see fit.  Make your voice count.  Remember to vote for your local representatives as well, where applicable.  There are many races to be won, stand with those you can support a year from now, when the glow of excitement has faded. If you have found a candidate with whom you are in complete agreement in all of the issues, you are fortunate indeed ! If not, take the time to educate yourself, not rely on friends and neighbors to tell you what they think you should know.  This is a very personal decision. Get out there and vote.  Smile at a stranger.  For one moment, think of the power you have, and be grateful for it. Have a wonderful day.

quote of the day…

“… Parkinsonism is gravity, L-Dopa is levity, and it’s difficult to find any mean in between…”  Helen K,       O. W. Sacks, 1981

Having neurological issues, and enough education to understand this particular horror, I find myself reading everything I can get my hands on dealing with this branch of medicine.  On a good day, nothing can stop me; and if I think about the future at all, it is to laugh at the prospect of decline, and to focus on my daughter’s happiness.  On a not-so-good day; every missed word, every 2nd attempt I make to force an idea out of my mouth becomes the first sign of bradyphrenia, and my thoughts, as they are, fly toward L-Dopa and maintenance.  Any numbness or  slight shake of my limbs seems, on these bad days, to signify the worst.  When the headaches keep me up for the 3rd night in a row, and I realize that come morning, I will be incapable of speaking clearly, and plan fun additions to our school day to delight my foxling.  We all have things to deal with, I am lucky in that my nightmares may not come true.  I have friends who are living their fate, one agonizing day at a time… cancer, kidney failure, heart disease… the list goes on as our medical technology creates the means to diagnose a myriad of syndromes that were unheard of 5 decades ago.  Does this information cause us to live our lives more fully, more carefully?  Or does it simply overwhelm us, and give us more to worry about, things beyond our control?

As a family, our little den makes great strides to be as healthfully-minded as possible.  With our many sensitivities, we are aware that one bad meal may cause a weeks worth of disruption to our lives.  I am learning to put into my mouth what my body needs, and be cautious about how our food is prepared.  As the holidays creep closer, I begin to set the stage, finding healthy choices and beautiful additions to our meals to tempt The Historian and The Professor with.  I am contemplating a gorgeous pear tart for xmas eve, and perhaps grilled sandwiches the following day, turkey with arugula and goat cheese, and homemade cranberry chutney.  There is no end to the pretty dishes we can whip up !  I do this for 2 reasons… first, so no one feels that this is an ordinary day.  Second, because as a mother and wife, it brings me pleasure to feed my people.  It does not bring me pleasure, however, to wash dishes for 16 hours a day. =)  This year, with company, we have decided that festive paper plates are a necessity, and will save us a  in water.  Everything is a trade off, I suppose. =)  What are your plans for the upcoming holiday season ?  I hope everyone enjoys good health and many blessings to enjoy.

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