a sad realization​…

Try as I might to blog on a more regular basis, school has really been ramping up and when looking for ways to squeeze extra minutes from the daylight hours, small spaces like this one get pushed to the back burner, then the broom closet, perhaps put in the trunk with the clothing donation I still need to drop off…

Applaud if you can relate…! =)

I am enjoying my cross-cultural education class, as well as the inquiry-based technology class this term. But I have a small seed of unease growing in my tummy, right nest to the watermelon seed I accidently ate last summer… As I turn further away from the mechanics and beauty of the written and spoken word to focus on hypothetical classroom scenarios that will apply to, at best, 10% of the graduating teachers who land sought after spots in affluent districts, I realize a little more of my spark is extinguished each day. I am most emphatically NOT looking for that cushy job with a Keurig in each of the 4 teacher’s lounges; instead, I am searching for the poorest school, the one in which the children desperately need every moment of instruction that I can dole out, until I finish the Doctorate program, after which I can live my passion by relocating and working for a Tribal school out west, where my heart resides and is whispering to me still…

Here is a statement that is going to break the internet… but I need to say it, because I am exhausted by the now-familiar undertone that my professors and classmates alike have when speaking to my specifically. It is not my fault I am white…

I am a 40soemthing, white woman. I did not order this body or these life circumstances, but I am in possession of them, and like people of every other color out there, I am trying to live my best, authentic life within the confines of said life. Every suggestion I make, no matter if it comes robbed shamelessly from the professor’s textbook itself, is met with “Well, ok, but the kids REALLY don’t need another white teacher to go in and save them.” Ok, valid point, but I do not want to SAVE them, I want to EDUCATE them. Maybe then, with a solid background and degree, they can go back to their towns and teach their children in a way that I cannot because I do not share their cultural similarities. Additionally, I am not looking at a “me versus them” scenario, instead I see myself as a resource that ALL my students can utilize to reach their own, best potential. I have to say it just one more time, I am not white because I tried to be white, I am because I was born this color, and no amount of tanning will erase my Scots lineage. And I am exhausted beyond belief from constantly apologizing for myself, and trying to smallerize my big and happy self in order to appease other students, who are getting a mere fraction of my GPA. Perhaps if more time were spent in studying and pursuit of the A, and less time criticizing my innate desire to push forward equality, everyone would have the grades I work so hard for, and the opportunities and scholarships these hard-won grades have EARNED me. But today, these “perks” are not seen as my hard work, but as something I was handed, due to my skin color. What no one in class sees is my anxiety over how I am going​ to pay rent without working and thereby making myself ineligible for thousands of tax-free scholarship dollars, or how my insurance tax credits got revoked, cancelling my policy, because I earned $499 more dollars, for a total of $17,620 in 2015. Or the fact that I take care of my car because it is an affordable lease that I am trying​ to keep spotless so I do not pay damage fees when I return it, even though it has a smooshed front bumper from a trip to the grocers. They do not see that I am a part-time mother​ who sees her child on the weekends only, during which time I am frantically working to keep that GPA up in my 6-7 classes a term, while my contemporaries take 4 classes and live on campus. I do not wear fancy clothes or have a nice haircut not because I am “old and lazy,”but because I simply cannot afford​ them. Funny… were my skin ANY other color, I would be told I am being marginalized. But I am white, so I am merely complaining.

And this group of “peers” is the ones who I will be spending the next 3 years with. No, they are not the teachers and families I will be interacting​ with in South Dakota, or New Mexico, but it is a long, hard road to that point, and I am tired. So let’s just say that skin color has nothing to do with one’s​ ability to be exhausted by the bullshit that life throws our way in the form of small-minded people. And maybe, in the future, we can celebrate our differences, and when we see someone trying to help those who have been given less-than, we can support them, regardless of their age, color, or pant size.

ct is trying to kill me…

I know this is supposed to be a bright and shiny new bloggity version of my developing Professorial awesomeness but can I just say… I think my state is trying to kill me.

My wonderful (no sarcasm​ at all here…) bitty Little house in the Big Wood is currently growing an interesting type of mildew in certain corners, damp is creeping in around the door, and the windows are sweating profusely. It may be having a heart attack, and trying to take me with it. Looking at it that way kind makes me feel all special and shit, but seriously, I have been sick since November and am officially done. Game over, I am debating quitting school and escaping to The Keys for some SUN dammit, but seeing as I just did my taxes and owe close to $1K, I think I have to wait a bit to flee the scene.

So today I have nothing of import to share, but wanted to make an appearance in honor of February, the shortest and sweetest month EVER! No, I am absolutely NOT trying to butter good old February up in order to avoid a blizzard when I least expect it… =) In all actuality, my dark secret is that I despise February, but totally​ LOVE it too. The cold and damp and snow and 17 minutes a day of sunlight just make me weep, but then you have those days of brilliant blue, no wind, snows all melted and you look up and are all like “Damn, what a pretty day!” And don’t let’s forget about St. Valentine’s Day!

Speaking of, Paul and I are creeping up steadily on 2 years, having just past 21 months. Did you hear that… 21 months… IN A ROW! =) =) The funny thing is that while this is our second go around for Feb 14, it is our first official Valentine’s Day! =) Let me explain…

Last year, we were knee deep in snow, bills, and sick. Seeing as we were not even together that day, we just decided to call bullshit on the whole day and if memory serves, I spent the evening with take-away and Grey’s Anatomy. It was perfect, considering. Bt this year, he will be here after work, YAY! Since we both get home late, no fancy dinner plans for us, but I was thinking if I manage to sneak in before he gets home, I will light candles all over the bedroom, brew a pot of coffee, and try to cram the girls into that little camisole top that makes me look like a pornstar. Ooh, I just remembered, I have some glitter-blush stuff that will match the blue silk perfectly!!!

In short, we are doing nothing special, just spending some much-needed time together. I am serious when I tell you all that I am a girl who appreciates the little things… don’t like grand gestures, am more appreciative of stuff like him taking out the recycling. I know it sounds silly, but after so many years feeling alone next to an uninterested man, it is wonderful to be with someone who is PRESENT. =)

I actually have nothing further to report, but just had to check in with my peeps. Have a wonderful week, I will try to post again in a few days, hopefully with something more substantial to say. =) Talk soon, lovies!

hello, wednesday…

It does not escape me that I am an English major, one who has found a passion for the structured intricacies​ of form and function rules of our ever-adapting language, yet I insist on NOT capitalizing the titles of posts. Is this a quirk, an unconscious play on words, or simply a middle finger thrown at the thesis board committee? Probably a mix of the three, as we have already established I am rather a complex creature… =)

At any rate, I find another week half gone, January melting away faster than the disappearing snow from the filthy shrubs lining my Little House in the Big Wood. I was tempted to set aside my schoolwork today and chat here by an unexpected visit from an old bloggity friend. I realized last night that I miss the interaction with you all, the ones who have been around for the long haul, and the new ones who have such insight to share with yours truly.

However, as previously discussed, I am metamorphosizing at an alarming rate, and my wants and needs develop and shift seemingly with the wind. Of course, there is more to it that that… I am becoming something more, something new, improved, and focused. As it is with everyone, I must decide what I want, what I need, and where this space fits into my increasingly busy days. I can tell you that I am here to stay, even when it seems I have disappeared. =)

So what has this student been up to as of late? I am taking 5 upper-level courses this semester, with EDU designators, finally signifying my first steps toward licensure​ in my chosen field. I am also enjoying my Chaucer class, much to my amazement and delight​. It is frightfully hard, and my professor is so brilliant​ my head hurts after a convo with her, but after only 3 lectures I have already learned SO MUCH! While I am not going to take my grad degree in Medieval Literature, this does prepare me well for my Senior Seminar, as well as meeting ALL upper-level​ requirements for both school and state. So I was able to make a truly smart choice when registering, for a change. Feels good to be a bit in control, even if it is only the illusion of control and nothing like the real thing… I wonder how I will fit back into the “real” world once my degrees are done, and “all” I have​ to do is work, and not plan every decision 9 months ahead? ​My sweet Paul, 21 months into our relationship (how the HELL has it been so long already??!!), still does not “get” my need to constantly do so much ahead of time. His work as a lineman consists basically of putting out fires all day. Something​ breaks, he fixes it. Something blows up, he replaces it. Tornado blows away lines, he strings new. Drunk driver rams pole​ at midnight, his crew is there to dig a spot to plunk down a new one. All this while dealing with enough voltage to literally disintegrate anyone foolish enough to not be completely aware​ of their surroundings every moment of the obligatory 20-hour​ shifts… in other words, he REACTS. It suits him; he is great under pressure, calm in an emergency. But planning ahead? Not so much. Where he has spent the last 20 years trying to not burst into flames, I have spent the last 3 laying foundations for professional exams 2 years out. Ridiculous, no? How will I ever learn to live in the present again? I am hoping with enough homework-free weekends and cold beer, I will adjust just fine.

And here I am once again, not saying anything of real import, but blathering on in true Tish-fashion. But as you all know me so well, I am hoping you would not have it any other way. Namaste, peeps. Glad to be back, and glad that you decided to stick around. =)

crickets…

Hmm… the sound of silence… trite but true. Things have been getting quieter and quieter as the days melt by, and I wonder if you all ran away to some deserted island without internet access… and if so, WHY didn’t you bring me too??!! =)

I am sitting here, trying to get warm after a long morning of hiking, coffee with friends, laundry, groceries, and mopping the ever-filthy kitchen floor. Which is something else I don’t understand, as he does not wear his work boots​ in the house, and even if he did, HOW would he levitate into the back of the house where the kitchen is? Curiouser and curiouser…

The wind is blowing​ ferociously out there, and while the sun is brighter than ever, it is damned chilly! Days should be mid 50’s which is lovely for this time of year, and with any li=uck, should keep the white stuff at bay. While I would adore a white Christmas​ with an inch of fluffy snow, I am by no means ready for the ice-scraping, shoveling, slippery roads bullshit that comes along with the season.

I literally have nothing, but wanted to check in before I attack the mountain of research sitting here, threatening to spill over and knock me off the couch. Lmfao.

Namaste, peeps. =)

considering a new venue…

You couldn’t think I actually would leave for reals? I am the queen of back and forth here, as you know so well. SO…

I am thinking of starting a new blog. Or rather, changing this one perhaps, or something like that. With a change of scenery and subject matter, as I have beyond used up any interest in oversharing about my ex monster-in-law, Hubby-no-more, privacy driven teen, or sex life. Gee, sounds downright boring when I put it that way. =)

So, am thinking of turning this place into an english major’s journey along the path to her secondary education grad degree, and all the insanity THAT is sure to involve. Such as… have been in the pre-program at a new Uni for exactly 10 weeks and already working on my transfer essay to another Uni for next fall… but I am getting ahead of myself here.

If I have any followers left, or there is anyone new exploring the dusty corners, let me know if this change of topic would be of interest. If so, will work next weekend on updating the space! Namaste, peeps old and new. =)

 

reasons to love a man…

Ok, maybe not just ANY old man, but a certain Lineman comes to this girl’s mind in the heat of mid-morning August, whilst relaxing on patio in sweet sunshine. Surrounded by Bee Balm, Apple mint, and flowering Basil, which attract all manner of bees, hummingbirds, dragonflies, and multi-colored finch-like birds, I am in the throes of deep love. The smiling kind, sweet kind, grin-making kind that fills your heart up to bursting, making even his 3 hour snore-fest last night something to chuckle over, rather than throw his clothing out second story window, preferable while engulfed by flames… the clothes not yours truly.

Moving right along, there are many reasons to love a man. Snoring may not be one of the top 10, but with any luck you are dating someone who is so fantabulous that this minor inconvenience will be ignored, or dealt with utilizing the bitch-slap pillow method while feigning innocence…”Hmm, whaaa?… I was sleeping…”

  1. The fact that no matter how much dirt he tracks across the living room and kitchen floors, he always, and I do mean ALWAYS rinses out the lunch containers and coffee to-go mug you packed for him that morning, saying “It’s the least I can do after such a great lunch!”
  2. The fact that he still, after 16 months, manages to look sheepish for tracking dirt across floors. Without shoes 90% of the time, btw. Men… =)
  3. He tells you every Tuesday morning during his commute that while he does not want to go to work, and he doesn’t like Tuesdays (his Monday), the good thing is that he gets to come back here tonight, so it’s gonna be a good day.
  4. He is incapable of folding a shirt… or any article of clothing, actually. Now this normally would be seen as a fault, but to get to the age of 46 and still be completely baffled at how nothing I fold “looks all crumpled like mine does” is rather endearing. This from a man who can rewire the cable in the bedroom, make a coffee, re-pot the crowded tomato plant, and tune up your car before you manage to get all the groceries put away.
  5. He makes sure you… well, YOU KNOW, at least 2-8 times before he does. Every night. Let me say that again, ladies… EVERY NIGHT. I so completely and totally WIN!!!! =) =)  Just kidding, but seriously, when you find someone who takes your pleasure as seriously as his own, and who laughs aloud when you are capable of only laying there  whimpering and says “That a girl, all relaxed now?” is a keeper. As much as I try to reciprocate and allow him a quick night now and again, he says that while he loves the final course, all the appetizers just make him so damned happy. And yes, I do  completely believe him. That grin is too huge to fake. =)
  6. He eats everything you make for his dinners, without complaint, and also with gratitude. While I am a rather excellent girlfriend, my cooking skills for what he loves to eat are less than stellar. I have learned his preferences and am slowly making some adjustments to my own recipes to suit him, but am human and capable of really messing up a dinner here and there. My biggest embarrassment was when I burned the bejesus out of the bruschetta, and we had to saw the bottom 1/2 inch off the bread before we could eat it. To mess up such a simple recipe had me in fits, but he grinned and told me “But I love burnt toast.” Which happens to be a total lie but the man will eat almost anything I put in front of him. No olives or avocado, though.
  7. When you get up to pee at night and crawl back into bed, he reaches for you, folds his arm around you and says “You’re really back” like you had been on an Arctic expedition for the last year. Better still if he has no memory of the nightly line and is sheepish at the retelling. =)
  8. He shows up. Not just for food or sex, but is present. Really and for true… like when you want to talk after sex at 1 in the morning and he is falling asleep but struggles to reply, if incoherently. Or when he has a shitty day and two guys retired and no replacement is in sight and the rain fried all electric lines for miles… but he tells you that you made his day 98% better. How? By being you.

Obviously there is no way to top that last one, so I will let you all go. Have a spectacular day, peeps. Know my life, this man, and our relationship is by no means perfect or without faults and trials. But for all our rough days, there is light and sunshine and love… and for me, that is enough. Namaste, darlings!

 

just a pile of random shit…

It is too hot here to spend much time contemplating real bloody topics, so I am resorting to a list. Aforementioned heat melted brain to the degree that one cannot come up with 10 items that go together in any meaningful way, so I thought I would just toss out some random thoughts, Tish style. =)

  1. If one is looking to change careers with teaching being the end game, consider your state’s liberal arts university. Small class sizes, writing intensive courses and LAC requirements mean one comes away with a more personalized and marketable degree, as well as being hugely prepared for the Graduate level work one will need to complete. The real bonus, though, is that you will have 10 or so PhD holding professors who personally know you and your work ethic… no small thing in a small state!
  2. Paul and I were at the Cape recently, and we decided to “rough it” rather than spending the $600 to do the activities we would have enjoyed, had the coffers been full. Opted to kayak with the seals rather than take the crowded boat ride, and had a peaceful and magical time. Ate the free B&B breakfast, and light lunch of sandwiches/snacks, deciding to go out for one real meal a day… seafood, since it is what they are known for. Saved a bundle and had better seafood than if we had to budget for 3 full meals out. We also got up crazy early so we could park for free at the best beaches and skip the crowds.Hottest part of the day was spent in the outdoor shower then napping in our spacious room, as half the cost of a crappy hotel room, and we were literally .4 miles from the boat launch and beach. We set a budget and found ways to have exactly what we wanted without compromising our wallets. Think you cannot afford to get away for a few days? Ping me for more recommendations! =)
  3. I have read 8 young adult books in as many days… and am now even more grateful for Thoreau than before, if possible. While there were a few glimmers of hope, I now know  why our kids cannot spell or comprehend a complex thought. Just saying.
  4. I am experiencing a weird phenomena, shifted my calories back to heavy lunch and light dinner, added my pervious health shake, and cut out pretty much all crap in the hopes of resetting my system after a long bout of sickness and meds. Have gained 1 1/2 pounds in a week. GRR….!!!!! This very limited exercise is literally KILLING me, and need to do SOMETHING that will not hurt knee that I can do at home!
  5. Kohl’s Cash dollars earned always, and I do mean ALWAYS are valid starting the day after a sale ends. I get it and all, but every time?! How about changing it up once a year, just to keep us on our toes?! Of course, cannot complain too much buck during the sale, I managed to grab two $35 pillows for a mere $#.05 each, by using my coupon and card. Love/Hate relationship defined.
  6. Michael Phelps, golden boy extraordinaire, acts like the lovable dufus he is at any and all moments, appropriate or not. He is revered, and we understand that “boys will be boys.” Gabby Douglas stands still during the pledge, hand not on heart, but silent and respectful anyway. We filleted her and will be serving her over toast in the atrium for brunch tomorrow. Bad Un-American. Other than skin color and gender, can anyone provide a VALID reason for America’s disgust for this girl, and the excuses we make for that boy?
  7. Am officially caught up on Scandal, Grey’s Anatomy, and House of Cards on Nexfilx, leaving me with only The West Wing to enjoy while I am melting to death in the evenings… I suppose this is a good thing with Uni starting back up in 2 weeks, but still, am sad. And a little relieved that nothing new has caught my eye to the extent that i will be tempted to blow off Italian to sneak-watch while kiddo is being good and working on assignments in her room… I would never live that down.
  8. Ever wonder why, 2 years later, you “accidentally” unfriended someone on Facebook? Go ahead, click them back into your life, no really, it will be fine. Not a chance of 13, 899 posts irrelevant to you showing up on your feed 12 seconds later. Sigh.

Well, that’s all I have today, peeps. Heading out to bring the kiddo to DR, grab some groceries, library for a bit. WAY too hot to enjoy outside time; friends tried the lake for an hour yesterday, srsly ONE HOUR, and came away with second degree sunburns, the lot of them. AFTER applying spf 60 liberally. My plan is to pretend we are star-nosed moles and eat watermelon on the couch with shades drawn all afternoon, watching scary movies and sipping frozen-to-slushy watered down Gatorade. Hope you all make it thru the insane weather this week, I do hear relief is on it’s way, and am reminded that I will be longing for such balmy temps come February. Love to you all! =)

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