reasons why my ex is not Satan…

It is sad-making as well as appalling the number of women who broil their ex-significant others online, be it in their own space or on any number of social media websites. The irony is that as adults, we all know that once we put things out there, there can be no guarantee or privacy, and while I do understand the therapeutic quality of letting go once and again, am curious to what end these rants accomplish. Is it to feel empowered, to feel safe, or simply one-upmanship?

I am not speaking of people who endured abuse, regardless of situation, but of those who are getting a fair sum of money, support for their children, and in some cases, even a birthday card or two. WHY do humans delight in mudslinging over acts of kindness? In shrieking with laughter at the discomfort of others, when we know how painful discomfort is? Why must the collective WE continue to disappoint, wallowing in the base reactions of humanity instead of finding ways to uplift us all?

I am writing today about my own Hubby-no-More. He will not see this post, so it is not self-serving in this way, but in another, one for just me, and those of you who decide to grab a coffee and read my meager words. I am here to say that despite our differences, discomforts, and even down-right fights, my ex is not the enemy. Sure, he stands for a life wrenched from me, but one I also willingly mentally vacated years before his courage brought us to a sad goodbye. Without further ado, here are a few reasons why he is not Public Enemy #1, Mr. Hyde, Dorian Gray, or any other manner of wretched human being that so many claim to have shared part of a life with.

1. He willingly gives me more, by a good percentage, than the court requires.
2. He pays for ALL of our foxling’s medical care, including insurance, co-pays, therapy, meds, and everything else, literally, leaving me with a 0% liability.
3. He does these things so I can stay in school without working, thereby allowing me to qualify for scholarships not otherwise available to me, as well as allowing me to keep the near-perfect GPA.
4. He encouraged me to re-sign my lease for another year, at an increased cost to himself, in order to give me weekly access to our child, even though said child is almost​ 17 and really couldn’t care less if I resided here or on Mars. =)
5. He responds to my texts usually within 24 hours, even when he pulls a 12-hour​ shift at the hospital. This is better than my school advisor, mother, and several friends. ​
6. His girlfriend invited me over to meet their new kittens, because I do not have any of my own, and we visited all morning without weirdness. Ok, this one really isn’t him per se, but it was his house, and his kittens​, so it counts in my book.

I could go on, but have classes this afternoon, a presentation, and working on an independent research proposal for next spring. My point? I realize many people, both men and women, have an ogre for an ex. BUT… not all of us do. Not every human in possession of a dick is a dick. And for us to air only our dirty laundry instead of our blessings is to perpetuate the stigma surrounding divorce and parenthood under less-than-ideal​ circumstances. I am tired of reading only about the negative, so thought I would​ share some positive vibes. Please chime in if you have something​ to share. Thanks as always for being there, peeps… Have a lovely!

the cusp of…?

Ooh, I am in SUCH a period of growth right now!!! I feel like I am stretching the confines of my soil, my roots exploding beneath me even as I raise my head to the sun and grow, grow, GROW!!!

It is an awesome feeling in every sense of the word, and is accompanied by no small sense of wonder, and if I am honest, unease. For while I know I am getting closer to the precipice, I am on the cusp of… well, of what exactly?

If you have been here any amount of time, you will know by now that I am in tune with the seasons, and I ebb and flow right along with the Solstices and Equinoxes. I grow, then prune out of necessity, and after a period of stagnation, new and unexpected areas explode with passion and purpose.

Many aspects of myself and where I am going in this life have changed drastically, yet the underlying themes are always the same… being of service, living and playing close to the water, creating meaningful relationships, being  good steward of this beautiful planet, tonnage but a few. Even my writing has evolved through the years, and I was recently told by a professor that if Hemingway and Jamaica Kincaid had a baby, it would be my prose. =) Flattering to the nth degree, yet what am I to do with this knowledge?

So here I am smiling and windswept, at the edge of my cliff. Seaspray whispers across my arms as grasses caress my toes as I inch closer to the rocky precipice. In my mind’s eye, I can hear the gulls crying in the distance, and my heart beats in time with their calls, as the words “To what end?” pulse through my veins.

I should be working on yet another paper, but I am taking the day off to allow my soul to speak to me, promising that I’ll listen and not be distracted this time. I packed a bag with fruit, water, and some nuts and laced up my hiking boots. My ball cap is on, sunglasses perched atop, and I am heading out the the forest that dumps out at my favorite dam. After some invigorating me time, I’ll stop at the library and explore some unfamiliar genre’s, such as Gothic literature. And just maybe in the next few days I’ll have some news for you all. Here’s wishing each and every one of you a beautiful day of discovery and light. Namaste, peeps. =)

you matter… =)

I spent the day with my kiddo. It was, in turn, wonderful and a not so sterling an experience. It was, in short, a perfectly normal day with a teen. =)

Between the laughter and the teeth gritting, a thought bubble appeared above her head, a big and beautiful, shiny-happy, iridescent bubble filled with the words “I MATTER.” I smiled to myself, even as I was calculating how many miles I would have to walk to cancel out the lunch I consumed… around 37, if you’re interested.

As the mum and adult support network of a confused teen (aren’t they all?), I make it part of my weekend activities with her to uplift her decisions, question her interests, and inquire about her general well-being. I try to mix responsibility with fun, work with pleasure, and let my foxling know that no matter what, I am in their corner. I try to just make sure my presence, and acceptance, surround them at all times, like the low buzz of bees droning in the distance. Well, bad analogy, more like a fluffy blanket. =) But you know what I mean, I will at times smother my kiddo, but regardless, my kiddo knows beyond doubt, that I AM THERE. This has been instrumental in their recovery and measure of self worth, I am told. And that makes everything worth it, in my book.

So… I am here tonight to spread more of the happy feels. I want you all to know, beyond any shadow of doubt, that you matter. Each and every one of you MEAN something to me, and to my life, and even to my happiness. =) I get so much from the privilege of being here with YOU. Some of you make me laugh, some make me ponder. Some bring tears of joy to my eyes, and some I pray over nightly. Some of you share your family with me, your hopes, and dreams. Some ask questions, that I may or not have any inkling of how to answer, but regardless, you seem genuinely thankful for whatever imperfect advice I have to offer. In the weird symbiotic neoworld of online blogging, we have managed to find one another, develop varying degrees of relationships, and have a few laughs along the way. We have shared good times and bad, stress and smiles, and I want all of you to know,  this very moment, that no matter what, YOU MATTER. That your unique chemical thumbprint is an integral part of our universe, and were you not here, you would be missed. That we ALL feel at times invincible and at others like we are drowning, but that’s the mystery and beauty and mind-fuck that is life. And that I am thankful, every day, to be a part of this incredible ride with you all. So on this beautiful spring evening, I just wanted to say thanks.=) Namaste, peeps. Talk soon!

listy little posting…

What do bored and burned out brilliant bloggers do when they have zero inspiration but still want to make their presence known? Yup, trusty list post to the rescue! =) However, WHAT type of list post exactly? Therein lies the rub; so one thinks and drinks coffee and nibbles carrot coins and chips, and drinks a bit more of the ever present bean juice until  coherent thought gels…

Without further ado, and apologies in advance for this paragon of brilliant writing you are about to devour… =)

MY CURRENT FAVORITES (subject to change without notice, lol)

SONG… Rainy Night in Georgia by Chris Young

BOOK… Among the Islands by Tim Flannery

FOOD… fresh Vietnamese spring rolls with added mango… YUM!

COFFEE… Peet’s Brazil Minas Naturais… holy gods, drink this NOW!

MOVIE… Love and Mercy, about Brian Wilson, amazing!

COLOR… Cerulean, this one never changes, but love champagne and sand dollar and lemon drop to varying degrees.

CANDLE… Yankee Candle Beach Walk, smells just like summer

SNACK… popcorn, but not just for snack, also treat and dessert and breakfast lol

LIP BALM… Fresh Wild Cherry Cause Lip Balm, great taste and texture, and each tube purchases plants 1,000 wildflowers in an attempt to grow bee populations! YIPEE!

ACTOR… Kerry Washington as Olivia Pope in Scandal… beautiful, big-hearted, always dressed to the nines, and a life in bigger shambles than mine on my worst days. =) ** and yes, I am aware that I listed a female under a male category, but to debate such things is unimportant here =)**

PARFUM… Commodity’s Rain… breath of perfectly fresh and sexy air, too dear to buy in other than travel-sized spray. Seriously, the most beautiful scent on earth, and one that makes Paul swoon when I rub it behind my knees!

And, that’s about all I have for today. I am writing this while crunching more carrot coins, ever-present coffee perched on my art history text (lol), and the new season of Scandal playing, just released today, hence no schoolwork being accomplished. =) Gods, I love being an adult some day! Have a lovely, peeps! =)

gravel and gravity…

Poised at the top of the aptly-nicknamed “death trail,” I wiped sweat off my brow and adjusted my ponytail. The Oklahoma humidity pasted my t-shirt to my spine and sprouting breasts, nestled in pools of sweat in my new bra. Feet clad in dusty ropers placed just-so centered on pedals, fingers curled around worn handgrips, reaching for brakes… yup, hard to grasp but in mostly working order. Delaying the inevitable, I blew fat grape-flavored bubbles, plotting my coup de grace…

Tossing my head to unstick hair from the back of my neck, I stood elegantly for a moment upright in the pedals, suddenly two feet taller, and feeling the exhilaration of every inch, and… SWOOSH!!!!!!

The trail that I had gingerly pedaled down uncountable times seemed more treacherous suddenly, the grippy tires of my used 10-speed unable to gain permanent purchase in the gravel and odd weed scrub. Branches stretched out to snatch at my sweaty visage, paling with the beginning of full blown terror. It never occurred to me to simply slow down, or leap off, or even use the brakes. I simply was on a mission and had to see it thru to the end, no matter how detrimental to my overall well being that turned out to be. I fear I was a bit melodramatic even then…

It was when I careened none too gently around the large curve half-way down Ginger and Charcoal’s mountain that I finally lost all pretense of control, and I remember noticing the small bumpy stone that would be my undoing. Moments later, flying through the air, pure joy bubbled in me even as I saw the ground rushing toward my prone figure with unbelievable speed. The dull thud resonated through me as I hit and began my descent, belly down, limbs akimbo. 10 feet later, I sat up, coughing and dusty, to see my thighs sprinkled, or imbeded actually, with gravel, a swath of red and brown pockmarked into my aching flesh. Standing and limping gingerly toward the trees where I assumed the bike had flown, part of me wanted to sit on the dusty trail and cry while waiting for Gramps to rescue me on his way down the mountain toward home. But somewhere in the pain and tears, throbbing skin and cricket calls, I felt a burst of confidence. I had done it, had tried to race down the trail, and I had LIVED! I would surely endure a whupping for the stupidity of the stunt as well as the condition of the bike, but hot damn, I had done it. Bragging rights would be mine, and my siblings and younger cousins would look up at me in awe. Yeah, it had been a successful day…

in search of subject matter…

Managed to sleep last night, take THAT 6 million degree day followed by torrential rain, drunk and rowdy neighbors, and bouts of allergen-fueled sneeze-fests!

Had an absolute gorgeously quiet, memory lane strolling kind of day. Talked to an old Army buddy, made some soup, reminisced for hours, and worked on summer art history course. Peaceful and drizzly, calm and collected, self-soothing kind of day… the best kind of day when a wickedly busy week is looming ahead.

Yours truly will never be a rocket scientist apparently, for besides my dismal grasp of Calculus, I also seem to have lost my critical thinking skills and powers of deduction. Example, Art History course, thinking “Ooh, I love the Impressionists!” Erm, yeah… not. As I read, outlined, and flash carded my way through the introduction and Chapters 1-2, I realized that the key word in the class title is “History,” and that there are WAY more cave paintings, ruins, and frescos than anyone could ever imagine, all hoping to be cataloged and memorized for a spot on my CUMULATIVE final, and hopefully even a permanent place in my brain. I hate to disappoint, but there is too much literary analysis, psychology, music, and sex in my head for any of this to permanently stick. So much for the easy “A” that I anticipated… sigh.

On a lighter note, I didn’t let it bother me, and think that while this experience will reveal itself to be a giant waste of my time and resources (that I should be spending on Mojitos, 30second dance party, and sex ’cause come on, it’s almost summer, dammit), I will at least slightly enjoy the class. A familiar “face” popped up in the online forum we utilize, and this person and I had several classes worth of friendly banter and respectful debate in the past. WOOT! I think that from a sociological perspective, I should have a good time, as studying context will illuminate the relationship to subject matter that the artists were trying to explore with their available resources and technology.

Speaking of subject matter, Paul is still around, hanging on in what seems to be happiness and desire rather than out of duty… YAY! =) We are over a year now, and things are going strong. He has a critter at his house at present, of the small, furry, and uninvited type, so I have been avoiding his house like the Pope would a brothel. This means more driving for him, and him purchasing all manner of scary-to-contemplate things with which to rid his house of the terrifying beast and ensuring he can wake once again in the morning in his own bed, curled against a certain satin clad scholar of a certain age. I have to admit, while I am a homebody only truly comfortable in my own sleep space, I do miss being in his place, so foreign and male…

I am totally babbling, and the point of this post has completely escaped me… I guess this means bedtime. Goodnight, peeps. Will get back in a few days with something of substance to share, with any luck. Until then, listen to some happy-making tunes, dance in your undies, and have a lovely!

busy sunday morning…

My to-do list has apparently been eating the Miracle-Gro, because it is a veritable beast of epic proportions now, and has me cornered in the kitchen…

It being Sunday, this is somewhat of a me-day, although foxling is abed and likely to be there for the duration. I got up before dawn, choked down my health shake and a yogurt, vitamined and lotion myself silly, and plunked down on the couch to take advantage of the silence and bang out another in the never-ending litany of Nutrition exams. Check that off the list, managed to write 4 pages for my next SOC paper, and my energy has dissipated in the manner of leaky balloons… fizzling out a bit at a time, now I find myself spent and in dire need of another cup of liquid energy, aka French Press.

I need to finish this 10 page paper today, begin another research project, and write another paper, this one only 8 pages, which I hope to hand in on Thursday. A bit mad, really, but if I can get these things crossed off, then it will be fairly smooth sailing for the remainder of the term. I try to front-load as much as possible, in the often futile attempt to allow myself the last 2 weeks of the semester in which to do nothing but prepare for the exit exams. Well, that is the plan, at least…

Paul is gone fishing, literally as well as metaphorically, and is due back home here with me on Wednesday night. It has been a bit lonely, but rather wonderful getting so much work done, and not picking up or cooking… salads, Lean Cuisine, and apples have been my diet since he left last Tuesday at midnight, and I cannot tell you how lovely it has been not washing but 3 dishes a day! I do so love the man, but damn, he does add a bit of work to the housekeeping routine. He is down in Nashville rebuilding cars, fishing, and doing all manner of boy things with his mates. Ray lives up here, but Mike resides down in TN, so for the 3 of them to get a week together is a rare treat. He called last night, all sleepy-tousled voice cracking with cigarettes and whiskey, sounding for all the world like a man doing exactly as he pleases for a change. Mmm… I do so love that tone of voice, and all the possibility and calm that was behind his playful banter. Vacation needs to be something of a more frequent experience, especially for those who labor outside with their hands for a living.

I need to get back to the grind, but wanted to check in and wish those who celebrate a very Happy Easter, and those who do not, just a very Happy Day. =) Love you all, my peeps… and aren’t you proud of me that the only sugar I have consumed today is the smidge in my coffee??!! She shoots, she scores… woot-woot! Of course, the foxing has eaten enough candy and treats already this weekend from her huge combination Solstice/Easter guilt basket I already gave her to cover my consumption, as well as several of yours, lmao. =) Here’s to enjoying your sugar coma, lovelies. Namaste…

snow day…

Icy rain pelts the window panes, staccato beat making my feet twitch…

Wind rushes across rooftops and catches in the tree branches, eerily beckoning me from my cocoon of warmth…

Diesel engines rumble to life in the distance, sounding like ancient beasts, signaling the plowing will commence in short order…

Snow day, hunting day, day to stay under the covers for just one more kiss… gulped coffee, I’ll scrape the windshield if you shovel the steps. “Here, I got the mail little girl” and “Look, I packed you a dry outfit for the ride home”…

Textbooks piled comfortingly on the couch beside me, coffee steaming away, laptop open, word document started for Humanities and turkey roasting in the oven. Waiting for the wet, shivering man to reappear, I daydream of a hot shower and dinner on the couch, wrapped in robes, watching a documentary about tigers…

Snow day, off day, relaxing day. Happy day, slow day, snow day…

Namaste, peeps… =)

love is…

Love has as many incarnations as there are variations of color. That bitty word packs a punch like no other, and for this girl, makes my heart swell and my toes twirl me about the house without conscious thought…

Today, I know I am loved. I have a certainty in the depths of my being that I am cherished, adored above all others, and appreciated. In short, he loves me. And the only thing that makes this dream even more perfect is that I can look into his deep blue eyes and say, without guile or reservation, that I love him as well…

So how do I define this elusive yet all-encompassing emotion at this moment ?

1. Love is… Paul shopping until 8 pm 2 days before Christmas to get the “most appropriate” teen ps3 games for my daughter… after working in the rain for 10 hours.
2. Love is… heating up the lavender pad at 3am to put on my aching knee when I’m whimpering in my sleep… then rubbing my back so I slip back into slumber without knowing if it was a dream.
3. Love is… forgoing buying coffee at work for 2 weeks in order to buy a pound of holiday blend at share with him, knowing a smile will light up his face when he sees the festive red foil wrap.
4. Love is… getting up early to brew aforementioned coffee, allowing him a few more precious moments of sleep before another long day on the electric pole.
5. Love is… baking cookies for him, temporarily ignoring the fact that I hate to bake.
6. Love is… just one more kiss, for hours and hours, literally melting the night away. Then waking to the snooze button, late again, racing around the house… =)

I could go on and on, but I will spare you all. Have a beautiful night, peeps… =) =) May you be blessed with all the bounty, beauty and perfection of a love requited.

Nyangaino esangaree…

“I am happy today”… Translated from the African Luhya language.

Luhya is interesting, not a single language per se, but a more mutually agreed upon group of dialects, based upon the Bantu language that is spoken by around 3 million Kenyans. I was searching a database for an eloquent way to highlight my pleasure today, and the beautiful words caught my eye. As someone who is planning on going to Africa to do fieldwork and teach at some point, I am considering an African language as my second foreign language. Of course, with the numerous and interesting dialects, I am never able to narrow down the possibilities. =)

So what has me so happy today ? I am in a state of perfect, peaceful bliss. I am calmly, happily, completely at ease, and this is a rare feeling at this time in the semester. With finals looming, a holiday, family drama and a relationship to nurture, I should be about to lose my mind. Instead, I am sitting here, typing away to friends, drinking a smoky cup of french press and counting my blessings, which are just overwhelming me with their sheer numbers. =)

Shall we ?

1. Paul is hunting today and texted me a photo of him in the tree… all disheveled, sleepy-eyed and grinning like a maniac. He bagged one so far and methinks there will be another in the freezer by Sunday. What is it with me and a man with a gun ?
2. My foxling is spending the night with a friend. A sweet friend, with a normal mum. There are sisters, cats and a cake. Sounds perfect, and I sort of wish I was there too. Btw, since we have operating under increased disclosure her name is Isobel. my kiddo, not the friend or one of the cats.
3. I have a reading day on Monday so can devote the entire day to studying maths and writing a paper. Which allows me to take some time tonight to watch a show tonight and maybe even have a bubble bath…gasp… the possibilities !
4. I am alone tonight ! If Isobel isn’t home, Paul is, and vice versa. But tonight, I am alone. I feel deliciously decadent with almost 20 hours ahead of me. I think if I get far enough in my studies, I will treat myself to a quick hike followed by a coffee out in the morning.
5. The house is rather warm as the… wait for it… SUN WAS SHINING ALL DAY ! =) It is getting back to the normal drear and chill now, but the day was simply beautiful. A treat all year long, but most especially during the cold season. What I would not give to live in Bali now…
6. I had the most delicious lunch today. PF Chang’s frozen mini veggie egg rolls, nicely crispy from a hot oven, mandarin oranges, and seared leftover asparagus over lettuce and carrots. Seriously yummy and didn’t break the calorie bank. That is one account in which I have too many deposits, lol !
7. Aforementioned perfect boyfriend got me a set of window deflectors for the car, so I can crack the windows and not go bat-shit crazy trying to wipe off leather seats in a deluge. He will install them on Tuesday after work, weather permitting. Not only did he buy them, he is saving me over $100 in labor costs. He is a peach, this one. =)
8. Kiddo and I are heading to my brother’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving. This is perfect, as it will allow us family time and yummy leftovers, but avoid the actual day of insanity itself. As an added bonus, I am getting the oil changed before we head down, and it is on the way, so I get to kill two birds with one stone. I do so love being organized !

I could go on and on… but fear I will bore you to tears. Suffice it to say this has been a spectacular day, with more of the same in the forecast. I am going to draw that hot bath now, and use my last LUSH bath bomb, which will leave my bitty house smelling like Cherry trees and champagne. Sighs gleefully…

Much love to you, peeps. Cannot tell you how great today has been, or how happy I am that you all are along for the ride, too. Namaste. And I mean that. Perfectly. =)