sweltering heat

melting me like custard cream

fucking dying here…

Ok, so not the most eloquent of haiku, but you get the picture! So… bloody… HOT. More to follow, ad nauseam, until further notice. Heat dome, heat wave, heat, just heat. That’s all I’ve got for today. Try not to melt, peeps…

37 minutes…

“just because you got yourself in some shit, doesn’t mean I have to come deal with it”… Yelawolf

Yes, I did just quote a song made infamous by SOA… don’t judge. Don’t even think about it…

So, 37 minutes… I had been on the floor an entire 37 minutes last night, at which point I realized a quiet night was utterly out of the question. A bed change, a fall, a dressing change, vitals, calls for water and the ever popular red juice. Lights blinking on and off in the manner of a vintage pinball machine, complete with yours truly bouncing from one side of the ward to the other… I had chugged my coffee before even entering the building and was already questioning my sanity. Only the fact that I was responsible for my favorite patient (client ? customer?) kept me from physically drafting my 2 weeks notice letter. Well, that and fear of The Professor’s reaction. Speaking of, as a newly minted college grad who has gained lawful employment once again, ne is in dire need of a new moniker,,, post for another day.

37 minutes can be an eternity just the blink of an eye. Paul and I… come on, you knew I was heading in this direction =) AHEM ! Paul and I have the ability to kiss away hours when he comes home. I am speaking literally… in the kitchen after lunch containers are emptied and soaking, I find myself in his arms most nights, dancing close as he leads my in small circles, kissing me until he growls against my mouth and we finally break away, him heading to the patio for a cancer stick or the bathroom for a hot shower. Looking at the clock, I am always stunned that 30, 50, 97 minutes have passed. I could kiss away my whole life with this man ! =) On several occasions a day off has allowed us to sleep a little late and have pans for the day… plans that always need adjusting as our 0830 alarm and morning greetings morph into “holy shit how can it be 1:30 pm (or 2 or once even 3:15) already ?! Yes, we do our fare share of outside activities, but truly it is time spent simply kissing him that is foremost in my meds. Time does indeed fly when you’re having fun…

I slept far less than I should have yesterday as a quiet ping from my phone interrupted my fitful daytime slumber. Thinking it was from Paul, I was on autopilot enough to reach over and scroll thru the menu. What popped up was not words from him though, but… dramatic drum roll… an email from you know who, he who shall not be named. Yup. Bear… his spidey-sense is still attuned to me apparently, for every fkn time I am feeling even slightly vulnerable does he appear, some Nega-Fairy Godmother… this time however, his soliloquy did not inspire the warm fuzzier. His comparing us to Tristan and Iseult, Guinevere and Lancelot, Pyramus and Thisbe… all lovers whopper star-crossed yet inevitably cross paths again together brought mild irritation to the front of my mind; not the intended emotion, I am certain. “Every day that goes by without seeing you is a drain on my soul… my sweet beautiful temptress, my vixen, my tigress…”?! WTF ?! SRSLY ?! Again I am reminded of my professor’s words to me, long months ago, that Bear idolized me, created a version of me impossible not to love, but also for me to live up to for the long haul, too bright and hot to hold. Seems Bear didn’t get the memo…

But Paul ? Ah… Paul… He holds no false ideals of me; he sees me, spots and chubby thighs, dark roots and all and loves me not in spite of myself, but FOR myself. Being with Bear was exciting but exhausting, all the time. With Paul, it is so soft and soothing, warm and enveloping, flowing, ephemeral… contentment washes over me every morning at his sleepy “morning, little girl” and does not stop until my tousled head hits the pillow at night. It is light, ease, beauty, possibility… in short, the stuff dreams are made of. I have no time or desire for a villain in my story, not this time.

GAH ! I am officially rambling, and should go grab some food before crawling between the sheets for a few hours of sleep. Thanks for listening to my ramblings, peeps… have a lovely ! =)

words for the day… take 18

“I hate muffins… and bears… just sayin’.”              TishMoon =)

Yup, it is official in a way that I was not prepared to make it so months ago… weeks ago… days ago, even. Today, though… I am here, I am back, my Mojo is screaming thru my veins… Dreaming of cold beer, warm sand, hot tubs and scorching kisses… sans a certain Ursidae…


1. That even tho I may despise it, I have a job to go to in a couple of hours.

2. I have Kombucha, thanks to aforementioned job.

3. I did not have to “trim the hedgerow” today, now that my girl parts are enjoying a vacation from the male persuasion. Erm, to clarify, said girl parts are not expecting any female attention, either. No razor burn… YAY !!!!! =)

4. COFFEE !!!!! enough said…

5. Loyal readers who, when they see I haven’t posted in a coon’s age, don’t think it is because I don’t care, but instead wonder which beach I am apt to wash up on, boys and flip flops in tow. =)

6. 30second dance party… the drug of choice in this den… cures all ails… sometimes, does need to be repeated a few times for full effect. =)

7. The chance to be back in college, attempting to decide once and for all what I want to be when I grow up. Suggestions greatly appreciated here. Please don’t say phone sex operator, tho… the minutes would kill my monthly plan.

8. My sarcastic good humor, which appears to be intact, even after deluge of disgusting, carby calories from those damned muffins… I CANNOT BELIEVE I ate carbs and sugar for that one… what the HELL was I thinking ?!

9. That I only gained 2# from the repeated exposure to aforementioned muffins. Boo hoo, now forced to hike out of necessity, rather than for the sheer joy of it. Grr…

10. Friends… =) People like CB, Rosie Girl and Punky are always there, no matter what kind of shenanigans I find myself in. Rob, Dimitris, Peaches, and a certain overseas wordsmith… you all are happy-making. =) Thanks to everyone who makes their presence known, and those who are just here to rad a bit. Welcome, be well, and know I will be back more often soon… just trying to get thru finals… sigh. =)

words for the day… take 15

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. ”     ANAIS NIN

I. am. crazy.

This is not up for debate, but has moved into the realm of fact. I have officially lost it, peeps, and instead of being filled with shame, I am celebrating the fact…

Monday’s break-up did not stick. I am sure some of you had money on this, and the only one surprised by the events is me. Just Bear, or Bear, or perhaps in all actually, MY Bear… him, you know the one, HE sent me that quote above. He said none of those words apply, so our love is still there, alive and fragile, but as real as the breath I feel against my cheek when he leans in for a kiss, and as strong as his arms as they crush me to his chest. Ah, but this man has words at his disposal; beautiful, sensual words, that currency in which I trade best.

Every argument I had, every reason for NOT serious feelings him sort of just evaporated in the light of day, at the sound of his voice and the promise of another day, hour, moment even… just a fraction of a life, a plan, a purpose, whatever it is that we can share between us. The real end of this is going to break me in new and fascinatingly miserable ways, but the threat of future pain is not enough to keep my feet out of the fire and away from his just now. Sure, it hurts a little, that slight burn up the ankles. Sure, when it finally creeps waist high, or over our heads and we can no longer breathe, it will not seem worth it. But for now, today, this night as I am falling asleep and his voice calls over the miles “sleep  well my beautiful girl”, and I giggle softly, what harm can come from it ?

I am strong, fierce, independent. I am a warrior, a gladiator, a Spartan who knows the end only too well. But that has never stopped me from charging headlong off the cliff before, and I guess it is not in my nature to pull back now. I tried to stop, tried to reason my way out of his arms, and his life. Tried to stay away, and instead of feeling like me, I felt less-than-me. In my reasonableness, I diminished myself. For certain there is no chance for a long term future. But that does not mean we have to be in pain just yet. We are big kids, time to pull up our big-kid panties and make a choice…

So I choose… me. I choose ALL of me, and am embracing the chance to be happy in the now and not worry about the future. I choose him, all of him as well. All his words, ideals, faults… every shred of him, I do take; willingly, knowingly, eyes wide open. No promises, no pretense, just this thing between us. This thing that makes me more me, increases my muchness, creates new laugh lines every day… this…  oh for fuck’s sake, Tish… you can say it… this LOVE.

He has a rare day off tomorrow, and I am headed up there to spend the day. A whole day, a blissful day, the kind of day that most couples take for granted. The kind of day that is a rare treat for us, a dream-day, full of the ability to pretend we are that normal couple, the one who has time on their side. Were I a lesser woman, I just might take him up on the adorable and tears-worthy post-it note suggestion… I say again, this Bear is going to be the death of me. But what a way to go…

words for the day… take 14

“We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us, and make us kinder. You ALWAYS have the choice.”         Dalai Lama        (emphasis mine)

How true, that we carry what we choose. We decide to pick up the burden that will slowly crush us under its impossible weight… or we can place it beside the path we are meandering down, throw a rose on top of it, chant a bit and walk away…

Do you find yourself hard enough to break around the edges a bit when friction comes a-calling, or are you able to shake it off, and become a little less defined, and a little more beautiful, like a watery sunset ?

I have had more than my fair share of grief this past year and a half. Some I willingly admit I brought to my table with a pretty invitation, but much was thrust upon me not by choice. I could be miserable, bitter, broken. But I choose to be me; happy and filled with loving-kindness, respect for everything around me, softened around the edges in the manner that a favorite silk scarf will eventually fray. I do not love me less for my frilly bits, but more because I allowed them to show me who I am inside.

I have a choice, every day, of accepting or turning from love and friendship… of supporting or pushing those in need away… of honoring my body with nourishing foods and exercise, or laying on the couch, bitching about the weather. While I readily admit to wanting to lay under my duvet and cry when it is -22, I am more satisfied when I grab a cup of something warm and dance it out. Endorphins kick in, muscles warm my body and smiles light up my face. How could I NOT choose me ?!

What choice are you facing today ? In light of the Lunar New Year, and yet another chance at a new beginning, are you going to pick up the torch and race towards your best, personal finish line ? If so, when you come ’round the bend, you will see me there, waving you on and cheering for you… have a lovely, all my beautiful and perfect-in-your-imperfectness peeps…


words for the day… take 12

“I wanna be that bunny…”

TishMoon =)

No words are necessary here, just something so perfect and happy that I had to share. =) Spring is slowly on it’s way, I can hear birds chirping amongst the new snow fall, and the tiniest shreds of green are visible on one or two trees, even as ice covers power lines and car tires. The world is an unappetizing shade of oatmeal, muddy-grey mixed with taupe… as far as the eye can see. But there is hope in the air, something electric that makes me want to dance a little longer, play a little more, and laugh a little louder… can you feel it, too ?! No matter what color your world is painted with today, I wish you well… happiness and growth, renewal and a full tummy as you smile thru your day. Have a lovely, peeps !



I mean, seriously ??!! How fkn perfect is THIS ??!! How could I not snitch it off the ‘net ? I have no idea to whom I should send my profuse thanks for taking this amazing photo, but it seriously was too good not to share. =)

words for the day… take 11

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”


Words like these should be expected from a person turned philosopher turned poet turned deity… beautiful, but simple; valid yet captivating… words meant to be read, uttered aloud, mulled over. Taste them in your mouth, roll your tongue thru the vowels, then silently say them to yourself, and think about the difference…


I’ve never been to Mount Qingyuan, but would dearly love to crawl up in this stone lap, lay my face against the large, cool fingers and just breathe… think about strength, and courage, and love, and my small place in this wide world… of the warm, willing arms that hold me close; whether I am strong enough to remain in the embrace, or if I even want to… ponder until moss grows over my back…


words for the day… take 10

“Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is NOTHING.”

Muhammad Ali

Many people don’t care for Ali, often attributed to his stance on the Vietnam War and his refusal to fight. The truth of the matter is that Martin Luther King, Jr. began to speak openly against the war after Ali’s Supreme Court appeal. Ali was a crusader for the early Civil Rights movement, for the support of young children and educational programs in this country. He is a man with faults, but a great man nonetheless.

Ali is afflicted with Parkinson’s, and yet, he still is fighting. For equality, for freedom, all manner of humanitarian missions, and to preserve his own failing health. He is an inspiration to me, and as I was reading his words, I knew that they were meant to be posted here, now, before anyone who needs to read them missed the chance.

Looking at impossibility as an opinion, and then as NOTHING resonates within me this day. There are so many things that I have attempted this past year that I thought were “impossible”, yet here I am, sitting crossed-legged on the couch, with the memories of accomplishing these things dancing in my head, and making me grin. So many items written down in December of 2013 are now crossed off that list made so long ago… I still have many miles to walk, many moons under which to see the change I am creating, but I see those changes on a daily basis, and in me. I am years away from my two major goals, and if I only focus on the thousands of days between then and now, I would be one sad girl indeed. The impossibility of the road ahead might make me reconsider those goals, and then not achieve my full potential. However, looking at the journey as a dare, one that I make to myself, I can laugh in the mirror every morning and with my warrior cry, start each day knowing that impossible is NOTHING compared to me. =)

94 minutes…

94 minutes… A mere hour and a half, plus 4. Sounds like such an inconsequential drop in the bucket of your lifetime of time… but sometimes, 94 minutes can change your life…

A quick KIK some nights ago, a few more hurriedly sent from the medical center in Germany… awaiting inoculations, and PERSU, trying to straighten out the hazardous duty pay from the last deployment, even while awaiting orders and being on deck for the coming week…

At last, that elusive and much anticipated of contacts… an email ! Small blue letters dancing toward the server, formatted and marching in one long line, patiently awaiting their turn in the queue, sneaking into one port and out another, to be pushed ahead, straight into my account… snick and zoom, mere moments for all this to occur. I get a PING, and I saunter unaware to the iPad… and it is HIM !! The Soldier, of course !!!!! =) Fireworks of happiness explode around my head, the tears start instantly, the laughter as I call his name, all from this small piece of technology that we take for granted every day. Email. That instant-gratification mode of communication that is available world-wide practically. Most of us don’t realize how spotty service is in a war zone…

Tonight, the ultimate prize, worth waiting a thousand lifetimes for… good thing too, since that is how long it feels in Tish-time… that gold-medal prize… A PHONE CALL; stateside no less !!!!!!! YAY ! =) 94 minutes of bliss… sounds so short, but again, in that world-between-worlds where we exist, it can be a lifetime. The first 3 were spent taking of the upcoming departure, and yet another holiday spent apart. “It’s all good”, he tells me with a wry grin in his voice… “we’d probably die from the shock of being together anyway!” The next 5 were logistics, health related and family business. The remaining minutes were all mine. =) He would lead with something small, and ask specific questions, and let me talk. I mean, really, actually and for true, have a conversation ! Any military spouses reading this will understand the hoopla in my words here… !! =) Plans for his return and my trip, foods we want to cook for each other, sake in Japan, bourbon in Provincetown, music. Laughter, sighs, questions, answers. Pure happiness and light. “Nina darlin,’ I gotta go now baby. But I can’t tell you how happy you are making me here”… why ? “Because this is as content as I can be without holding you, and that is something. That’s something big.”

My heart is racing… again, my hands tremble and I pace. But this time, there is a purpose behind the movements. A sense of calm beneath the storm of emotion… I am reminded of a Chinese proverb:

“when sleeping women wake, mountains move”… =)

I am willing, I am determined, I am passionate, I am awake. This mountain, impossibly insurmountable only weeks ago now begins to crumble at the edges. Not a lot, just a fraction of a breadth… but enough for my toes to gain purchase, and for me to grab rough handfuls and begin the arduous ascent. What seemed an impossibility now perhaps can, with a flick of the kaleidoscope, become something to train for, to run toward.

Will we arrive at the finish line, sweaty and bruised ? I cannot say. But no longer is the task too much for me. I have said it before, I have TRIED to live it, become it, embody it. But now, I find myself again at a precipice. Gazing down into the clouds as wind whips my hair across my neck and I start to tremble. Not in fear, but that excitement that was dormant for years, now embracing me daily, for the past months. A slow, wide grin spreads across my face, and I am in the position again to take my own advice. I throw back my head, howl a womanly roar, grab my ass and fling myself off the cliff…

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