can breathe again…

Is it ironic that The Professor is the one who coaxed me down from the ledge ? He may be gone, but is the only one who can redirect my feelings and make me talk. I ended up snapping at him, then getting back into the shower to cry for being mean to him. Yes, I sat on the shower floor for about 30 minutes, sobbing my heart out. Good thing I just scrubbed the tub out a few days ago… I have to admit, it did not feel cathartic, I was simply unable to do anything else. When I crawled out I went back to bed for a bit, telling my girl I had a bad headache and she could listen to music and play in her room for a while. She was thrilled, and it gave me some time to calm down, or at least make the attempt.

Again yesterday, my knight in shabby armor saved the day with his words. He is planning on taking my foxing for a trip to CA this summer, and the dates are all confused now, thanks to my my inability to communicate with my mother; a story I will not subject you to. Suffice it to say he laid my heart at ease with his kindness, and told me we can do whatever dates work for me. The gist of it was “do not waste energy worrying, it is all good”…

I am finally over the stress and anxiety, which grabbed me with such a force on Monday. I had started the day with such high hopes… up early, worked out, had a good attitude… I guess that is when being blindsided really gets your attention. Sure knocked me on my ass, I can tell you. Shattered my idea that I had things under any control. After spending some time last night thinking, I realized that for my health, I need to set some serious boundaries with family members. That my needs are every bit as important as all of theirs, and I simply cannot give in all the time.

I tend to stress when family is involved, and try to make nice. I put my feelings, desires and needs to the side, to make them more comfortable. This is stopping today. When I am hyperventilating on the bedroom floor, something’s gotta give. My happiness and well being is worth every bit as much as everyone else’s, and it is time I acknowledge this as fact. I made the decision to not drive down south for a vacation at my parents house, and they are not exactly thrilled with this new development… of my spine. I made this decision on Monday night, and I slept like a baby for 10 hours. I do not feel guilty, or sad by my choice, just like I FINALLY made a decision based on what is good for ME, not my daughter, hubby, parent or anyone else. Yesterday was spent fighting off the migraine I worked myself into, and now I am back… at least mostly. Today we will take it easy, do some work, but not a full day. Walk, but only until I get cold, not pushing to the miserable, teeth-chattering point. Soup for dinner, a movie in pajamas with my foxling. An easy day, a healing day. Not because I had that planned, but because we can. Because I can, and I am going to.