not exam week… except it really is…

GAH ! I love my professors this term, they are SO helpful and full of information, I could just take classes from only them until the day I die… she says with sarcasm dripping from her lips like melting ice cream on a summer day.

I have no problem with “hard” teachers, or those who teach “advanced, survey” courses in which we are responsible for participation and research without too much guidance. But what gets my panties bunched is when we are expressly TOLD, in so many words, that there will be NO MIDTERM, and lo and behold, they decide, with  mere 2 days notice, that we need one after all… this is happening in 2 of my classes, and therefore I have been up for what seems like days memorizing 11 chapters for maths and 7 for geology… there goes any hopes of an intact GPA and future scholarship money… last night I had visions of being a waitress, and while that is a hardworking and somewhat noble career, it is not for this girl with her 40something year old knees. WAH ! =(

I must get back to work, praying to all deities who may take pity on this mortal’s soul this morning, that perhaps I can eek out a low B on both tests and manage an A- for the term… not bloody likely, but there you have it. A girl can dream… see you soon, peeps… !!!!!!!!

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37 minutes…

“just because you got yourself in some shit, doesn’t mean I have to come deal with it”… Yelawolf

Yes, I did just quote a song made infamous by SOA… don’t judge. Don’t even think about it…

So, 37 minutes… I had been on the floor an entire 37 minutes last night, at which point I realized a quiet night was utterly out of the question. A bed change, a fall, a dressing change, vitals, calls for water and the ever popular red juice. Lights blinking on and off in the manner of a vintage pinball machine, complete with yours truly bouncing from one side of the ward to the other… I had chugged my coffee before even entering the building and was already questioning my sanity. Only the fact that I was responsible for my favorite patient (client ? customer?) kept me from physically drafting my 2 weeks notice letter. Well, that and fear of The Professor’s reaction. Speaking of, as a newly minted college grad who has gained lawful employment once again, ne is in dire need of a new moniker,,, post for another day.

37 minutes can be an eternity just the blink of an eye. Paul and I… come on, you knew I was heading in this direction =) AHEM ! Paul and I have the ability to kiss away hours when he comes home. I am speaking literally… in the kitchen after lunch containers are emptied and soaking, I find myself in his arms most nights, dancing close as he leads my in small circles, kissing me until he growls against my mouth and we finally break away, him heading to the patio for a cancer stick or the bathroom for a hot shower. Looking at the clock, I am always stunned that 30, 50, 97 minutes have passed. I could kiss away my whole life with this man ! =) On several occasions a day off has allowed us to sleep a little late and have pans for the day… plans that always need adjusting as our 0830 alarm and morning greetings morph into “holy shit how can it be 1:30 pm (or 2 or once even 3:15) already ?! Yes, we do our fare share of outside activities, but truly it is time spent simply kissing him that is foremost in my meds. Time does indeed fly when you’re having fun…

I slept far less than I should have yesterday as a quiet ping from my phone interrupted my fitful daytime slumber. Thinking it was from Paul, I was on autopilot enough to reach over and scroll thru the menu. What popped up was not words from him though, but… dramatic drum roll… an email from you know who, he who shall not be named. Yup. Bear… his spidey-sense is still attuned to me apparently, for every fkn time I am feeling even slightly vulnerable does he appear, some Nega-Fairy Godmother… this time however, his soliloquy did not inspire the warm fuzzier. His comparing us to Tristan and Iseult, Guinevere and Lancelot, Pyramus and Thisbe… all lovers whopper star-crossed yet inevitably cross paths again together brought mild irritation to the front of my mind; not the intended emotion, I am certain. “Every day that goes by without seeing you is a drain on my soul… my sweet beautiful temptress, my vixen, my tigress…”?! WTF ?! SRSLY ?! Again I am reminded of my professor’s words to me, long months ago, that Bear idolized me, created a version of me impossible not to love, but also for me to live up to for the long haul, too bright and hot to hold. Seems Bear didn’t get the memo…

But Paul ? Ah… Paul… He holds no false ideals of me; he sees me, spots and chubby thighs, dark roots and all and loves me not in spite of myself, but FOR myself. Being with Bear was exciting but exhausting, all the time. With Paul, it is so soft and soothing, warm and enveloping, flowing, ephemeral… contentment washes over me every morning at his sleepy “morning, little girl” and does not stop until my tousled head hits the pillow at night. It is light, ease, beauty, possibility… in short, the stuff dreams are made of. I have no time or desire for a villain in my story, not this time.

GAH ! I am officially rambling, and should go grab some food before crawling between the sheets for a few hours of sleep. Thanks for listening to my ramblings, peeps… have a lovely ! =)

words for the day… take 18

“I hate muffins… and bears… just sayin’.”              TishMoon =)

Yup, it is official in a way that I was not prepared to make it so months ago… weeks ago… days ago, even. Today, though… I am here, I am back, my Mojo is screaming thru my veins… Dreaming of cold beer, warm sand, hot tubs and scorching kisses… sans a certain Ursidae…

THINGS I AM LOVING TONIGHT

1. That even tho I may despise it, I have a job to go to in a couple of hours.

2. I have Kombucha, thanks to aforementioned job.

3. I did not have to “trim the hedgerow” today, now that my girl parts are enjoying a vacation from the male persuasion. Erm, to clarify, said girl parts are not expecting any female attention, either. No razor burn… YAY !!!!! =)

4. COFFEE !!!!! enough said…

5. Loyal readers who, when they see I haven’t posted in a coon’s age, don’t think it is because I don’t care, but instead wonder which beach I am apt to wash up on, boys and flip flops in tow. =)

6. 30second dance party… the drug of choice in this den… cures all ails… sometimes, does need to be repeated a few times for full effect. =)

7. The chance to be back in college, attempting to decide once and for all what I want to be when I grow up. Suggestions greatly appreciated here. Please don’t say phone sex operator, tho… the minutes would kill my monthly plan.

8. My sarcastic good humor, which appears to be intact, even after deluge of disgusting, carby calories from those damned muffins… I CANNOT BELIEVE I ate carbs and sugar for that one… what the HELL was I thinking ?!

9. That I only gained 2# from the repeated exposure to aforementioned muffins. Boo hoo, now forced to hike out of necessity, rather than for the sheer joy of it. Grr…

10. Friends… =) People like CB, Rosie Girl and Punky are always there, no matter what kind of shenanigans I find myself in. Rob, Dimitris, Peaches, and a certain overseas wordsmith… you all are happy-making. =) Thanks to everyone who makes their presence known, and those who are just here to rad a bit. Welcome, be well, and know I will be back more often soon… just trying to get thru finals… sigh. =)

words for the day… take 16

“Not all men who court you love you. Some are just testing your stupidity”

UNKNOWN, but man, she really knows of what she speaks !

 

Ok, it has been a month since the last post. That was such a happy time, a silly time; borrowed time to be sure, but “what the hell”, we thought while laughing, “we will take what we can get and hold onto it for as long as we can”… stupid, stupid, STUPID TISH ! Grr…

Don’t doubt the veracity of his love for me, or mine for him. Love was never our problem. Reality was. My Bear, The Bear, that fkn lugubrious Ursidae… he was Eeyore to my Tigger, the Caterpillar to my Cheshire Cat. Unyielding river rock to my babbling brook, storm clouds to my sunny days… dark-eyed and dark-moods, sadness swirling around him the way colors follow me. I am up early, he is a late riser. I do, he contemplates. For him, family is tantamount to reality; I am a rambling gal upon who’s sandals moss could never grow. I laugh, he sighs, I dance, he curls into himself. I love the man he is, but also love his potential… he is in awe of me and wonders when something new and shiny will catch my eye. He is solid and staid, I am ephemeral and ever-evolving.

I said months ago that I love him too much to want him to change who he is to be with me. I also respect myself too much to cripple myself to fit into his world. We seriously thought that we had time, more time… not unlimited perhaps, but always more than this. Seriously ?! How utterly and completely wrong can 2 people be ??!! Rest assured that The Fates are chortling with glee this evening, at our expense…

This is not a pride thing, it is not a unwilling to compromise thing. It is about being two people who are so fundamentally different that our only common ground lies in the love we share. Great for bedding one another, not so much when we want an actual relationship. Every, single thing I do is so out of his scope of reality and experience that I may as well be an exhibit to be “oohed” over and not a partner. The same can be said for me, so do not think this is for lack of trying.

My favorite professor and I had coffee today, and I broke down and told him what is bothering me, after weeks of his gentle inquiries. Then he said something so laughable that I almost cried. “Well of course things will never work out with ANY man you meet up here… other than career military guys who are well traveled. Your problem is that you are Disney, the Pyramids and Vegas all rolled into one laughing, hip-swaying, sparkly package. Of COURSE they want you, you are new, and shiny and amazing. But sweet girl, no one lives at Disney. They go home to what they know”… well, fuck me sideways. SO I am some fantastic treat, but not for real ?! I guess you are wondering why I am all up in arms over this statement, when I sincerely do not want marriage, or even a live-in situation. I guess the premise that my outlook on life is so foreign that no one can take me completely seriously is a little disconcerting. To be fair, they LOVE me in Denmark, and San Fran, and Texas, too… but these sweet, puritanical boys with their whiskers and their familial ties and their lead covered feet just don’t know what the hell to do with me. If they would get over themselves for a moment, I would tell them, show them even… is a lasting, monogamous sexual friendship really such a foreign concept ? For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT fall in love with me, do not envision a lasting future with me, because then I just might buy into all that hype and get my heart broken too… for the second time in a year… by a man who I choose expressly because there could be no lasting future in it…

So there you have it. Between work and classes, parenting and trying to fit in workouts and coffee dates, I simply do not have the time to sit back and watch my life unravel. I NEED to put myself first. Shit, why does this being a big girl thing have to be so hard ? So I am gonna get up early tomorrow, NOT drive to MA, and instead workout and drink a shake. I am gonna put “Need you Now” on repeat and take a scalding shower, sniffle a bit, then towel off and play some happy-making music. I am gonna work for several hours instead of having mad-great sex, and then I am gonna go meet my new, cute cop friend for a cup of java. It is the least I can do, after talking myself out of that ticket last week. =) And It will be all good, because somehow, in Tish’s world, it always is.

omf… seriously ??!!

So I finally, I mean, FINALLY grow a big ol’ set of girl balls, and seriously break up with Just Bear for good. For the good of my sanity, of my heart, of my future as well as his… FINALLY ! I did this thru an email, but fully expected to talk to him tonight after work, and get closure… I know the email thing may be seen as crass, but this is the 6th time I broke up with him, and figured I need something with a permanent record to back me up… haha, funny cat…

So… he calls not 30 seconds after I push ‘send”… seriously ?! His timing, that I always tease him over, his fracking ridiculous timing !!!! I am beginning to think he is in cahoots with either the underworld or a server and good triangulation program !

So… I made small talk, and he sounded so calm and distant that I thought he read it, which was impossible, but I was not looking forward to telling him everything I just wrote down… and he is simply having a bad day. Ah… wonderful… and now when I told him that I am letting him off the hook in an official capacity this time, for really and for true… he did not have it in him to argue, but simply said “I’ll read it and call you later, baby… you know I love you, right ? That love has never been our problem ?” I know this as certain as I am sitting here drawing breath, because I never want him to doubt the veracity with which I serious feelings him for one moment… I never want him to think we are not, I mean, were not something special, something wonderful, something magical and amazing…

He tells me that I am a fantasy, deserted beaches and happy possibility all rolled up into one… I am something to behold, a force to be reckoned with… That he liked me in August, admired me in September, yearned for me in October… but it was not then… nope, not quite. He remembers his life changed because I walked into it that one freak snow day in November that we had made plans at his house for a change. That he remembers I brushed against him as we walked down a snowy sidewalk toward one another… that he fell in love with me as the snowflakes fell onto my dandelion hair, that my glossy lips and cherry-cheeked countenance took his breath away, and it has never returned… that my giggle caught his attention and as I grasped his arm to steady myself, he could not help placing his large hand over my smaller, gloved one, and that I smelled like heaven… that he HAD to lean in and ask “where did you come from, beautiful girl”, and that kissing the side of my neck as the snow fell around us was obviously out of his control… that my sigh and wonder at his behavior only encouraged him… that standing there in the falling snow, swaying to a tune he was humming as the cars drove noisily past us… it was that moment… that there was no help for it, that it was a chance encounter, one that could have happened to anyone, anywhere, but that it happened to US, and therefore means something…

Life is a string of small moments, looped and swatting in the winter winds, twisting about, weaving in and out of space, tying us to spots of time and place, and people. Sometimes the string gets tangled around our ankles, and we fall… and the extricating is painful, we get string-burns on our fingers as we try to unravel the mess, desperately hoping we do not break that precious thread… and sometimes it does break, and chaos ensues. But sometimes, if we are careful enough, we manage to escape the brambles, and carefully walk down a different road, allowing our string to unfurl behind us, and instead of the string leading us, we can control the rudder for a time…

Fate, destiny, decision, and you… the trick is knowing when to act, when to react, and when to wrap that string carefully around your mittened palm, and hold it close, drifting toward the unknown… or away from the known, whichever way you choose to see it… a future that you cannot fathom, because it is made of all these seemingly insignificant moments, like when a sexy man catches your eye, and smiles at you, and says “well hello there, beautiful girl”…

good thing we broke up…

me: (rustles under covers for phone) huge yawn… hello ?

just bear: baby, tell me…

me: (tries in vain to hide heart pounding HAPPINESS from voice… fails miserably) oh my sweet man it’s YOU !!

just bear: I love you, beyond…

me: beyond what ?

just bear: beyond words, reason, emotion, distance, conscious thought, depths of space… what comes after that baby ?

me: the death of me, darling…

just bear: tell me, please, baby…

me: we broke up, darling man…

just bear: still coming on Saturday, my love ?

me: with bells on…

just bear: (smugly) you’ll tell me then, you intoxicating creature…

me: nope, nope, nope ! oh baby, nothing good can come of this…

just bear: nothing good forever, but perfect good for now… i love you, go back to sleep, sweetheart…

me: i serious feelings you, my sweet man… fuck me sideways but i cannot bear to let you go just yet, but I don’t want us getting more hurt…

just bear: (with grin in voice) you said BEAR ! shush now, i’ll call you right when I wake up… goodnight my beautiful girl… i love you…

me: sweetest dreams, my sweetest man… and stop saying that…

just bear: tell me baby, just tell me and i will…

me: chuckles sleepily as turns off phone… curtain closes… exit stage left, act 5 finis…

how to stop…

What happens when you serious feelings someone, and you realize that as badly as you wish otherwise, they were never Mr. Right, but only Mr. Right Now ? You have these feelings… emotions, memories; all manner of happy, swirly bits of life, a life you were trying to justify building with this sweet and passionate man…

The man loves you, but you know that down the road, it will be your needs against his, and you thought there would be so much more time to deal with all of this in the future, but that future crept up quickly. You care enough about him to not want him to give up himself or his dreams. You love yourself enough to know that you will not give up yourself to be with him. So there it is, this impasse…

You wanted it to be him, you hoped against reason that he could be the one, even as you knew there was no way in hell for it to play out with both of you intact. Opposite forces may attract in science, but in matters of the heart, sometimes a bit of like attracts like is the way to go.  I value myself to much to give up the things that are important to me, to give up my dreams and myself. I seriously feelings him enough to not allow him to do that either. And there you have it. Sometimes, two people are so diametrically opposed that the only middle ground is one where they would both be miserable, a million miles from where they each want to be, and the only thing keeping them there is the desire to be together, even as they each die a little more every fucking day…

THIS is why I chose The Bear to date, because he was precisely NOT what I was looking for. There was NO CHANCE of falling for this man, too far away, too different, too set in his ways, wants different things out of life than me, dislikes my music, Cowboys and favorite foods. This was SUPPOSED to be easy, a casual friendship-fling-thing, something comfy to slip into after a hard week in our respective lives. This was NOT supposed to become the thing that we look forward to every day, texting at all hours of the night, with his declaration of love and gifts with our names indelibly etched upon.

Now it is February; cold, snowed in for the 4th weekend in a row… frantically booking hotel rooms around schedules, so neither one of us has to make the 95 minute drive both ways on icy interstates. This meeting in the middle is already changing who we are, and though it is fraying our nerves, neither one of us can make a break-up stick.

Now that I am faced with mornings without him as well as my days and Saturday nights. My phone pings and I smile and say his name aloud as I reach out happily, but it is not him on the line. I know I should erase the 2000-some-odd messages, but I can’t bring myself to do it yet. Because that is proof, that it was real, and that for a short time, I was his, unconditionally.

And soon it will be Saturday, our day, the hardest day. A workout-laundry-friends-classwork-beer-and-chips kind of day… but not a Bear day. I am secure knowing he is safe and not so far at all, and will myself with all my might that this is enough, that this is no longer about him and I together, but HIM and ME, separate and fine and better for it in the long run. And for all my innate happiness, I still want My Bear. Or Not-My-Bear… just HIM, somehow, someway, still…

So I will type my mornings away, and save in a file marked “serious feelings”, because while I am a happy girl who loves people in my life, this chapter only has his name on it, and I would rather go it alone just now, than go it without him…

I did so want it to be him. And when he calls tonight, because he can’t sleep and just wants to hear me laugh with him for a bit, I will try not to tell him… and when he whispers in that growling, sexy accent that he loves me, I will try not to talk about my serious feelings as well, because at some point, daylight has to break, and then all our pretty little dreams have to be wrapped back up and nestled in the tippy-toppest corner of my closet, where I can pull them out one day and reminisce…

 

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