blood is thicker than…?

My kiddo came out to a family member recently. I was proud of him (my kiddo, new pronouns, hard for me to remember so don’t feel too confused), and encouraging while that sinking feeling grew in the pit of my stomach, knowing all too well the way “love” in my family has a tendency to be fleeting, conditional, and cruel at the best of times. Admitting to being a trans child is not the best of times…

The response was lightning quick, and pc in all the right ways. I got an email as well, informing me that kiddo had reached out, and that love was always freely given, because, my “kid could be an axe murderer and even if one may not appreciate it, love is tougher than that to kill.”

I should be happy with that response, I should thank my lucky stars and the family member for allowing my child to be who he wants to be. But the comparison was made to an axe murderer. Is this purely a generational thing, or more imperfect love? Am I being too sensitive, and need to suck it up, or is this a symptom of the growing gulf between this person and I, and therefore, my kiddo? Is this another reminder of the unending litany of ways I have managed to fuck up everything I touch, that I am again seen as being cute as I work thru my struggles in life, struggles this person has figured out and is merely waiting for me to get there? Ah… co-dependency, two sided swords, family. Sigh.

I am in unfamiliar waters here, and the growing feeling of unease between this person and I is not letting up. I depended on this person to come thru for me, as promised, but things did not go as stated and I am now uncomfortable when I needn’t be. This person has begun making excuses for others who are acting inappropriately, and then projects onto me that perhaps I am just too judgmental. I am facing the decision to either accept this person for the flawed human we all are, or discontinue contact. Again, choice would be easy if not for them being close family. Again, sigh.

So this post comes from a confused place, and from a person who tries to accept all beings as being where they are, and who they need to be. But this does not mean I have to put myself in a position of being hurt and smallerized just so they can be who they are. Decisions, decisions. I would normally drown myself in fair-trade coffee and hike until legs fall off, but it is 91 degrees out, knee is still out of whack, and coffee is making me barf. My other two stress relievers other than 30second dance party and working out are fantastic sex and reading. Paul is at his home for the weekend (sob, no sex) so that leaves books. I am happy to report that in my infinite wisdom, while the heat increased early this morning, I had the foresight to stop at the library, so now have a couple of Oates’ books to occupy my brain. Have had a few suggestions from Alice, and wish I had managed to get back before closing time, but there is always next week for those little gems. =)

I think I am going to eat a sandwich… GASP, bread, irk??! Slushy almost-frozen apple juice and watermelon and a good book stretched out on couch trying not to let boobs melt off… yeah, it is hot in my den this evening. Sounds like a plan. Talk again soon, peeps, and thanks for letting me vent. Any advice on how to allow family members to be themselves while maintaining your sanity? Really want my knee to mend just a bit faster, if I can’t jog thru the woods pretty soon, I am going to go round the bend! =)

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Alice
    Jul 17, 2016 @ 09:02:04

    “smallerized.” Yup. I may not know anything about parenting, but I know about feeling smallerized in the presence of certain family members. I am learning to stay away from such toxicity — it hurts, and it is not easy. But I only get the one life. I’d rather live it at full size.

    Reply

    • tishmoon
      Jul 17, 2016 @ 11:21:47

      Alice, cannot tell you how much I appreciate your words today… life is full of hard decisions, but this trying to extricate oneself from the brambles of familial dissent without being torn to shreds is a new level of hell for me. Which makes absolutely zero sense, seeing as I have been fighting one battle or another in this particular war for 2 decades. I suppose the universe is trying to tell me to step up and make a decision.

      Again, thanks as always for your perspective… =)

      Reply

      • Alice
        Jul 17, 2016 @ 14:10:28

        I’m enmeshed in a battle with my own right now, for all that I stopped speaking to them 5 months ago. Getting the parents-in-my-head out is as hard as getting the literal parents our of my life. (Dunno that it’s apparent — because I cut waaaay much in editing — but my latest post is completely rooted in “why is my mother so mean to me.” 😀 )

        You can count on my support, whenever and however your decision gets made. This family stuff is hard, and there are too many people eager to tell you that “family” means “shittier rules get to apply.” NOPE.

  2. tishmoon
    Jul 17, 2016 @ 15:35:11

    I hear you about the “parents-in-my-head” thing… I believe I am my own worst enemy most times. =)

    Reply

  3. Trackback: blood is thicker than…? — foxfairymoon – Welcome JromoCompany
  4. Ellen Hawley
    Aug 07, 2016 @ 03:43:07

    I was about to say that I can’t offer any advice–I distrust myself when I offer advice. And then my brain went into a litany of advice. Even with the axe murderer reference, acceptance is at least a starting place, it said. On the other hand, it added, it all depends on how crazy the relative makes you. Yes, it argued back, but—oh, never mind. I haven’t a clue what another person should do. But I do appreciate your support for your son. That matters.

    Reply

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