ok, now i’m really curious…

Ok, so you know me at least a bit by now, and I would not be your (hopefully) beloved Tish were I not 9 shades of quirky in my beliefs and how I live this insane ride of a life. So when I am feeling a little twisted up, and worn out in the manner of a well-loved beach towel, I tend to look inward, while being as outdoors as possible. I do my best thinking while being drenched by the sun, and if I have my ass in the sand and can hear water, then it’s even better. I am making do today with my botanical garden of a patio, pillows propped under impossibly swollen knee (think grapefruit), hummingbirds droning near enough to make me laugh aloud as I try to be still, not just for meditative purposes, but so I don’t accidentally pop my knee… but I digress.

I opened an unfamiliar email yesterday which happened to be from… you guessed it, the old Bear. SRSLY?? What in the vast universe made him think that contacting me after all this time was a good idea? He KNOWS I am still with Paul, and he is still with his tramp, I mean, significant other, so why the reach out? Turns out boy has a bad case of the feels… namely regret, sadness, longing, for yours truly. I set him straight in about a minute and a half, and by the heat coming off the scathing words, I doubt he will be pestering me again for at least another year. And holy HELL, has it been that long already??!! Yup, longer in fact. But wait, there’s more, limited time insanity…

Taking my Art History test this morning, was interrupted by IMPORTANT email account pinging at me. Rushed thru the test because this account is only for school, taxes, and the like. And, I had briefly forgotten, by one certain Soldier in sweaty BDU’s… yup. My Soldier, or rather, just The Soldier now, as he has been for QUITE some time. So again, WHY UNIVERSE, would you throw this man at me, this love lost and found and lost again and found and given up of free will, this part of me, this whole ERA of mine… why NOW?

Perhaps the universe DOES know I am happy with Paul, in every sense of the word. That we are committed, working together toward a life of our own mutual creation, and on our way to making this life a reality. Perhaps also the universe knows I am under a HUGE amount of stress lately, with Veteran’s discharge papers to be requested in new forms, changing of colleges, drama with ex-hubby and maintenance payments, the expiration of my contract, and impending knee surgery, and the zillion other things “regular” mum’s deal with on a daily basis, like eating disorders and a kid who thinks a mohawk is a viable option for the “feminine haircut” the aforementioned ex suggested. Sigh.

BUT… there’s always a but, right? Love this adult-ing thing sometimes. Where was I? But, perhaps I am creating this situation, and the universe is merely responding. With this sudden and unwanted influx of… drumroll please… Men From Tish’s Sordid Past, maybe we are working together, the universe and I, to subconsciously create the intrusion because I am receptive (finally) to the fact that I am at the point of REALLY deciding how far to take things with Paul. The Cohabitation Talk has been had on numerous occasions, and the general (and totally mutual) consensus is that it will happen when he is down one (adult aged and back to college too) kid and one dog at his place, creating the space, peace, and lack of dog hair I need to breathe and stay sane, and maybe even function in some reasonable capacity. This should happen in about a year, which is the perfect time frame for me, lease expiration date and semester break and all.

While I am utterly in love with him, and totally on board with our future decisions, may I remind you that this will be the first man I have lived with since 15 years of housewife duty? That while I embrace HIM, I am not so certain just yet how I feel cooking for his kiddo, and being the the weekend step-monster, and all the glorious extended local family fun that could very well entail, and that this really is a VERY BIG DEAL for yours truly. I have never actually lived with a man I was not M-word’ed to. No, I cannot even SAY the word, I am getting hives just thinking it. But that is a conversation for another day…

So while I am deeply and happily in this thing for reals, it is not without a tiny bit of stress that I contemplate our next steps. And so certainly, my psyche is raising the flag and screaming BUT GAH !!!!!!! REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU MOVED IN WITH A MAN??!! And I quietly excuse myself to contemplate running away in the night… but I can’t do it, because I really and for true love this one. =) So maybe the universe is just scrolling me thru my past, to remind me that things are different now, and will continue to be so, as long as I am choosing mindfully what happens to me.

BUT… there’s that word again. But can I tell you something? Just don’t tell… I am SO HAPPY to have gotten my muchness back, and am a rather solitary creature who likes things just so, and I suppose if you really must know the truth, she whispers in a shaky voice, what if it turns out like last time, what if the edges of myself, those shiny new ones I just managed to grow back… what if they get smooshed again? Or broken even? Paul wouldn’t ever consciously allow me to become less than I really am, but how does one honestly hold onto the best of themselves while growing into something new with someone they love, and hope it is forever? Please let me know if you have it figured out, because my relationship with Paul means more to me than having a perfectly tidy house and peace and quiet when and where I say. At least, it does most days. Maybe on the others, you all can meet me for Margaritas and chips and we’ll spend hours grousing together? Hmm… now there’s a happy-making thought. Thanks for listening, peeps, and always being there. Namaste… and hugs. =)

 

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. The Indecisive Eejit
    Jun 14, 2016 @ 16:29:04

    I seriously suck at love advice, but like you recently got contacted by an ex. It’s kinda nice, but I know nothing has changed. Embrace that love thing girl, it’s hard to find!

    Reply

    • tishmoon
      Jun 15, 2016 @ 07:01:10

      You hit the nail on the head here, namely tat “nothing has changed.” Nothing will with those two, gods love them… =)

      Love IS hard to find, and harder still to manage… I am sure I will figure out some way for both of us to remain intact in this relationship, as they say, knowledge is power. And if I fail, it sure as HELL will not be from lack of trying! =)

      Reply

  2. Holly
    Jun 14, 2016 @ 16:36:55

    Yeah, I also suck at love advice. I have not been contacted by an ex. I will happily distract them if you send them my way (kidding!) but it’s good to know that this makes what you have with Paul that much more appreciated 🙂

    Reply

    • tishmoon
      Jun 15, 2016 @ 07:03:49

      Punky, I KNEW I could count on you to lavish all manner of attention on the darlings… lmao! =) =) I could never ask you to do so, however, as they are in no way as suitable as NR and I would hate to interfere with that love story… =)

      As always, thanks for being here, and having my back, even when neither of us knows what that might mean or entail… =) Just promise you’ll tell me if you think I’m royally screwing things up this time around, please! =) =)

      Reply

  3. Sarah Jane
    Jun 14, 2016 @ 18:31:43

    I’ve recycled exes like they’re in style. Not a great idea. Lesson learned? Let the sleeping beasts lie. Email? What email? 😉

    Reply

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