when…

When did we become that couple, you know the one, divorced, despising, resenting, hateful…? When did He lose the ability to make me giggle with a mere glance, and replace it with the dubious honor of being the only one who causes me anxiety attacks? When did my wee foxling choose to throw away ALL of her life, not just work past the rough patches? And finally, when did the backs of my hands become crepe-y, for fuck’s sake? =(

Life, the rough bits that is, has finally caught up with me, with  vengeance, and I am none too pleased with the fact. My birthday approaches, so perhaps this is a simple reflection, an exercise in looking back and finding the past year lacking. But today it feels much more than that, and as a perennial happy gal, I am having a hard time putting my feelings into a proper space, and allowing my sun-shiny disposition to burst thru. I am feeling a bit like the proverbial weed, misunderstood, trampled, and in imminent danger of being plucked.

I’ve been “poor” before, to varying degrees. I have had the marvelous fortune (no, really!) to have run the gamut from dirty, dirty, wealthy without a care in the world, to homeless on a beach, pouring 7&7’s for my dinner. The latter was a blissful experience, even at the time, unexpectedly. At any rate, I have learned to take something away from each rung of that particular ladder, and am usually quite content with my position, however humble, in this present life of mine.

My job contract expires today. If I work more than another 4 hours, my income, laughable as it is, will bump me up, and my health insurance will triple. This I literally CANNOT, by any stretch of the imagination or checkbook, afford. So I am faced with a lean summer, which would normally be, well, just normal. But Hubby No More just bought a house with his Upgrade, and there are whispers of needing to give me less. As in, much, much less. As in… where will the money come from? Sure, I am getting merit scholarship and grant, as well as a small loan come October when I have proved my attendance and grades at Uni. But what about between now and then? What about the fall, when feelings run foul in my direction and I am no longer merely the pain in the ass they have to support, but the responsibility that will no longer be dealt with other than under the extent of our dissolution contract? For the first time since he walked out whistling, I have allowed fear to creep in, and its tendrils have caught me tight, peeps. What now? When will my muchness kick in and my Wonder Woman meets Hulk courage and determination make this seem a frightful but kick-assable spot of unpleasantness that I can SURELY beat to a pulp? Please, peeps, tell me when…

As you can tell, I am not quite myself today. I am facing a long climb up rocky terrain, and do not know why scary bits of fluff have attached themselves to my brain, but I am doing my best to dislodge them while maintaining that precious pia mater. So send me a hug, or perhaps Spicy Basil Fresh Spring Rolls (under proper refrigeration, of course) and let me know how you fare when the mean greens have you in their grasp. Love to you all…!

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Holly
    Jun 07, 2016 @ 08:20:43

    I know how you feel, for different causes and reasons, but similar boat. Hang in there hon, we’re here for you even if we aren’t right there. ❤

    Reply

  2. Alice
    Jun 07, 2016 @ 15:45:46

    Reply

    • tishmoon
      Jun 07, 2016 @ 17:38:20

      Alice… strangely enough, I think I DO feel it… thanks so much! =) =) Day lighter than the morn, as is usually the case. Cannot tell what I would do without you all here…

      Reply

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