first-world problems…

I am sitting here in the comfort of my small and cheap but still clean and safe living room. I am sitting here drinking my fair-trade coffee, wrapped in my certainly-on-sale-but-still-dear organic blanket, typing away on my MAC for my college classes that are paid for as one of the few perks of my military service. My complaints may be big to me, scary at times, and even overwhelming now and again. Like being in my 40’s, divorced, surviving on alimony, which runs out in 4 1/2 years, which is certain to be a year before my masters is done. Like wading thru mountains of health insurance paperwork after getting audited because of the ex’s new job. Like wondering if my kid is going to be any semblance of ok, and if she will go to Uni and not fall into the CC system because she is afraid to leap…

I want the big things, folks. Peace of mind, a partner who not only shows up but KEEPS staying up… no pun intended there. =) Good food, a car that is safe and gets me where I am going, enough clothes to stay warm and comfy all winter long. And I have those things, in varying degrees, and I am thankful for them beyond reason. So does it make me a bad person that I want a little more at times?

Now and again I want the little things too. By little I mean meaningless in the grand scheme of things, stuff that really doesn’t matter… except for when it does.

I am usually rather ok with the space I inhabit, because I know it is for now, not forever. But something in class got me thinking the other day, and I realized a character flaw I have that I didn’t know about until just then. People, in general, rate their satisfaction in part on how they think they stack up to their friends and contemporaries. I never compare myself to my peer group because, folks, it doesn’t exist. I have always been so left-field from the box that it really doesn’t apply. And I like that I never felt the need to stand side by side and feel lacking.

Well, I realized that I AM capable of looking around, and seeing what the others have, and wanting it. Sigh. I feel like I am back in Kindergarten… wtf? And then I had to chastise myself for a moment, because I am fortunate enough to want the WANTS, not the NEEDS. I do not want a roof over my head, or an abusive partner to stop hurting me, or enough food to eat so I can sleep thru the night. My wants may be real, and mine, but they cannot compare to the desperate yearnings of over 4.5 billion people inhabiting our planet this sunny morning.

Psychologically speaking, I can do 2 things with my wants. I can own them and put them in their appropriate space, knowing it is ok for me to be in possession of an IQ that should enable me to be better than this, but I am also human and it is appropriate to allow myself to experience the same emotion as my counterparts, the good as well as the bad. OR I can berate myself and write another check I can’t afford to write to MSF to assuage my guilt over my own emotions as well as humanity in general.

Today I go with option #1. I am going to hang them out here, for all to see my shame, and allow myself to not feel badly that for once, I fit into my peer group. Because if I fit no where else, I do fit into the biggest group of them all… human. I am human, I have faults and failings, doubts and weaknesses like everyone else. I am no longer in need of holding onto the fantasy that if I don’t save the world then no one will. Because that job, peeps, is simply a little too big for one girl to own. So I will continue to do my best, and every now and again, remember that it’s ok to want things, even if they are frivolous. =) Without further ado…

  1. Swedish massage, followed by chakra balancing, complete with aromatherapy oils. To the uninitiated, sounds like a waste of money perhaps. BUT… when I was young and in possession of money as well as well as an address allowing me access to the best Eastern medicine had to offer, the above changed my life. I am a big believer that mental pain is held in our tissues, and there is nothing as cathartic as healing hands soothing your past to the surface, and then away to the winds…
  2. A new sofa… I know, completely ridiculous as mine is only 1 1/2 years old, but I got the cheapest one I could find and boy is my back paying for it now! I found one I love and the store was insane enough to allow me a substantial line of credit, but as I’m not sure I could swing the monthly payment, I am holding off for now. Hoping by fall I can make it happen.
  3. The funds to consume the probiotics, macronutrients, and liquid vitamin supplements that I love. The brands I desire are all highly bioavailable, organic or natural in origin, and obscenely expensive. I do wish EVERYONE had access to the best nutrition out there, but narcissistically, I am talking about me here.
  4. A fabulous new haircut, style and color… by someone who is on fire with talent and desire to make me look 25 again. Ooh… and really expensive shampoo and a gloss treatment so I can feel magical every time I get into the shower for the next month.

And there you have it, peeps. Hair, massage, a couch and good vitamins. Sounds kind of ridiculous in print, but makes me smile at the normal-ness of it all. So I am off to get more schoolwork done, and then take a walk thru the snowy woods, crispy cool air biting at my neck until I am laughing out loud. Talk soon, peeps… have a lovely. =)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

to irrigate the desert...

watering the future, one mind at a time

Zipf's Law

A blog about the implications of the statistical properties of language

The Blush Luxe

A Canadian Lifestyle & Beauty Blog

No Blog Intended

But the pun is

The Bumble Files

The truth is in here

coffee and a blank page

a feminist writes, rants, remembers


frightfully wondrous things happen here.

Power Plant Men

True Power Plant Stories

Mad Tea Party in My Head

Clean Cup! Move Down!

The Virtual Statesman

The Independent & Engaging Political Commentator


somewhat witty, often combative.

A Tramp in the Woods

A nature diary from the Forest of Dean.


Fabulously Refined/Wildy Inappropriate


Don't ever change yourself to impress someone, cause they should be impressed that you don't change to please others -- When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is, always remember that the teacher is always quiet during a test --- Unknown

Dream, Play, Write!

Today, make a commitment to your writing.


A blog full of humorous and poignant observations.

Dean J. Baker - Poetry, and prose poems


%d bloggers like this: