words for the day… take 16

“Not all men who court you love you. Some are just testing your stupidity”

UNKNOWN, but man, she really knows of what she speaks !

 

Ok, it has been a month since the last post. That was such a happy time, a silly time; borrowed time to be sure, but “what the hell”, we thought while laughing, “we will take what we can get and hold onto it for as long as we can”… stupid, stupid, STUPID TISH ! Grr…

Don’t doubt the veracity of his love for me, or mine for him. Love was never our problem. Reality was. My Bear, The Bear, that fkn lugubrious Ursidae… he was Eeyore to my Tigger, the Caterpillar to my Cheshire Cat. Unyielding river rock to my babbling brook, storm clouds to my sunny days… dark-eyed and dark-moods, sadness swirling around him the way colors follow me. I am up early, he is a late riser. I do, he contemplates. For him, family is tantamount to reality; I am a rambling gal upon who’s sandals moss could never grow. I laugh, he sighs, I dance, he curls into himself. I love the man he is, but also love his potential… he is in awe of me and wonders when something new and shiny will catch my eye. He is solid and staid, I am ephemeral and ever-evolving.

I said months ago that I love him too much to want him to change who he is to be with me. I also respect myself too much to cripple myself to fit into his world. We seriously thought that we had time, more time… not unlimited perhaps, but always more than this. Seriously ?! How utterly and completely wrong can 2 people be ??!! Rest assured that The Fates are chortling with glee this evening, at our expense…

This is not a pride thing, it is not a unwilling to compromise thing. It is about being two people who are so fundamentally different that our only common ground lies in the love we share. Great for bedding one another, not so much when we want an actual relationship. Every, single thing I do is so out of his scope of reality and experience that I may as well be an exhibit to be “oohed” over and not a partner. The same can be said for me, so do not think this is for lack of trying.

My favorite professor and I had coffee today, and I broke down and told him what is bothering me, after weeks of his gentle inquiries. Then he said something so laughable that I almost cried. “Well of course things will never work out with ANY man you meet up here… other than career military guys who are well traveled. Your problem is that you are Disney, the Pyramids and Vegas all rolled into one laughing, hip-swaying, sparkly package. Of COURSE they want you, you are new, and shiny and amazing. But sweet girl, no one lives at Disney. They go home to what they know”… well, fuck me sideways. SO I am some fantastic treat, but not for real ?! I guess you are wondering why I am all up in arms over this statement, when I sincerely do not want marriage, or even a live-in situation. I guess the premise that my outlook on life is so foreign that no one can take me completely seriously is a little disconcerting. To be fair, they LOVE me in Denmark, and San Fran, and Texas, too… but these sweet, puritanical boys with their whiskers and their familial ties and their lead covered feet just don’t know what the hell to do with me. If they would get over themselves for a moment, I would tell them, show them even… is a lasting, monogamous sexual friendship really such a foreign concept ? For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT fall in love with me, do not envision a lasting future with me, because then I just might buy into all that hype and get my heart broken too… for the second time in a year… by a man who I choose expressly because there could be no lasting future in it…

So there you have it. Between work and classes, parenting and trying to fit in workouts and coffee dates, I simply do not have the time to sit back and watch my life unravel. I NEED to put myself first. Shit, why does this being a big girl thing have to be so hard ? So I am gonna get up early tomorrow, NOT drive to MA, and instead workout and drink a shake. I am gonna put “Need you Now” on repeat and take a scalding shower, sniffle a bit, then towel off and play some happy-making music. I am gonna work for several hours instead of having mad-great sex, and then I am gonna go meet my new, cute cop friend for a cup of java. It is the least I can do, after talking myself out of that ticket last week. =) And It will be all good, because somehow, in Tish’s world, it always is.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. NotAPunkRocker
    Mar 27, 2015 @ 10:06:40

    I totally understand, this being adult, responsible, whatever thing, bites.

    You know I am there with you on the take time for your self issue too. If you will, then I will (and I mean, I will do something besides writing, reading, or playing playstation)

    Reply

  2. tishmoon
    Mar 28, 2015 @ 08:34:39

    You are going to kill me… and absolutely not believe this, but… this break up didn’t stick, either. While I am great at walking away from the man I love, I am not so great at staying away. I am not fickle or being manipulated, I merely hurt when I am not there… and why should I hurt now, when I can do it so much more and better later on ? GAH…

    Reply

  3. No Blog Intended
    Apr 02, 2015 @ 10:07:26

    Oh, that quote, somewhat confronting to be honest…!
    It’s ever easy when there are people involved… I hope you get what you want soon :/

    Reply

    • tishmoon
      Apr 02, 2015 @ 10:57:04

      Thank you so very much for your kindness… I am also hoping I can figure out exactly what I want to so can reach out for it… this back and forth thing is going to be the death of my sanity… =)

      He asked last night “what do you want, not out of life, not this summer, but today, for these next 24 hours”… to which I replied “to simply be with you.” His response ? “Perfect, because I am here, and if we are going to be hurting down the road anyway, how about we take what we have today and make some memories to carry up thru that pain?”

      I love this man, gods how do I love him… so of course all my good intentions fell out the window, and in the light of day, as I am dancing around my kitchen, and am filled with all the love he has for me, I know that while this might not be the best decision for my whole life, this is the best thing I can do for myself today. =)

      GAH ! That last sentence rivals Hemingway for verbosity… cannot reign myself in where My Bear is concerned… ! =)

      Reply

      • No Blog Intended
        Apr 02, 2015 @ 12:52:13

        Ah yes, those moments of which you know you shouldn’t be having them, but you want them! Well, I hope you enjoy it, and further on just wait and see what the future will bring 🙂

      • tishmoon
        Apr 03, 2015 @ 07:00:29

        Aww… thank you kindly ! =) =) You realize you are rapidly becoming my new best friend… lmao ! =) And you are officially invited to the first annual BCGL weekend 2015… time and place to be determined ! =)

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