words for the day… take 6

“ALWAYS do what you are afraid to do.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

What is it that scares me, terrifies me, stirs up panic and queasiness in equal measure, sliding down the back of my spine, leaving a chill as I gasp ? Other than an irrational fear of the toilet tank, and a rational fear of mice, I’m pretty good. There is one thing, however, that I am afraid to do…

Ooh, well done, you HAVE been paying attention… The Soldier. I am terrified of uprooting my life, losing my free tuition and moving cross country to an apartment off post, a post where I would not legally be allowed to inhabit, unless we were m-word. Yeah… I cannot even say it without shaking, let alone go thru it again. So there you have it… limbo until retirement. Fuck me sideways, but this is one fine mess. This is how you can tell you are reading my blog. =)

I am being unaccountably honest here today, do not know why, other than the fact that the words are just flowing out of my fingertips like a righteous acid trip, and I can’t seem to make them stop, or punch the backspace key. So there you have it… the universe forcing me to accept my limitations and ridiculousness… and you are stuck reading about it. Tish’s new year existential crisis, take two… have no fear, this crisis is resulting not from trauma or psychological pain, but from 2 happy, possibly life changing events. Not life changing like a death, m-word or birth, but big for me nonetheless. It is all in the perspective, and what one considers small could very well be deemed shattering by another. The fluidity of our words and emotions I debated for long hours already today, so I will spare you. Suffice it to say that my questions brought up more questions, and I am left in peace, knowing I may not understand, but if I understand ME, and my wants, needs and reactions, then it’s all good.

The Bear payed me an epic compliment today, before falling asleep curled in blankets on the bed after what should have been a 75 minute drive took over 2 1/2 in the snow and ice to get to me… he said seeing my smile at the door feels like coming home, and he becomes more him when I am by his side. He said he never believed in aura’s, but mine is a hypnotic swirl of color that wraps tendrils around him and he cannot imagine days without me.

Again, 2 realities orbit my world, overlapping at times, and other times, both so far away from me that they are a mere memory. What does love mean to you, this loaded word, this gift that becomes a burden to explain in degrees… ? Is it romantic, pragmatic, all-encompassing, stately, solid, ephemeral… real or a fantasy ? Does it need to be defined to exist ? Does it matter as long as all the parties involved are happy ? And most importantly, why do we all care so damned much what anyone else thinks ? Things that make you go “Hmm”…


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