11:28 pm, tues, dec 16; i can breathe again…

This is my new favorite day !! The Soldier is ALIVE !!!!!!!!!!!!! He is in one piece and kicking, and I am thanking anything and everything that is holy for keeping him safe, and as I sit here in bed, heart racing and listening to country music, my fingers tremble so badly I cannot type with any modicum of sense, and have to backspace more often than words get written forward… I get to linger in the shadows of his life for another day, because he is ALIVE, blissfully and completely alive, and tears course down my face at the thought of one more moment with him, no matter the capacity these stolen moments take, just to have one more, or even another day full of them, my heart is bursting and I am wriggling in my bed, singing softly and typing, and hop up to twirl, and back again…

He makes me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee… just the thought of him can drive me wild… this boy makes me smile…

The waiting was killing me, going thru the motions, trying to be all of me when part of me was gone… I cannot be in a world that does not also contain him. Stolen moments with this man are better than grand dates with others… no one is him and my breaking heart shattered tonight when the phone chirped in that special tone that is his, and I cried out and laughed as all of me flew apart and scattered the winds and I was FREE of this oppressive pain that has been simply crushing me as of late…

He is at the top of my text msg history again, the photo of him smiling at me now, number one spot, where he was, where he should be, where he has always been, and always will be. The only thing that makes sense is him, of everywhere I have been and everything I have seen, all the people I have known, and all those I have lost… these things become just details, because it is just him. I thought it would be enough to just exist on winding roads, never converging but knowing the map of life would show us, meandering along each to their own path. Enough to know we share stardust, and atoms, and moonlight, with droplets of the vast oceans coursing thru our veins. Enough to know he is somewhere, smiling and thinking of me when he tilts a whiskey neat to his lips, as I do when I bring a cold Corona with lime to mine. Enough to know while I am swaying my hips to a soft country tune in a dimly lit bar up here, he is down there, in a similarly appointed place, choosing a similar tune on the jukebox and sitting loose-limbed, thinking of me dancing. What a fool I am…

He had me from word one, and has me still. Without reason or probability, he has insinuated himself into a him-sized space, and occupies it still, now, always…

I will sleep this night, and be over the moon tomorrow and for the next week at least. When I go out this weekend, the boys will tell me I am fabulous, and a kiss will be stolen, perhaps 2, and there will be dancing, and laughter, and release. And it is all because of this minute, this hour, this day, when I got a few hurriedly typed lines, assuring me that he is still here, and still thinking of me…

Thank you Fates, and Love, and Lady Luck, and The Muse, and Mohammad, and Jesus, and Buddha, and all the saints, and Anubis, and Helios, and anyone that embodies hope, and light, and love… who or whatever is protecting him, thank you…

 

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. NotAPunkRocker
    Dec 17, 2014 @ 11:55:00

    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    times 1,000,000

    🙂

    Reply

  2. tishmoon
    Dec 17, 2014 @ 12:02:21

    Thank you, my most dear and sincere friend… for just being happy for me and not judging this incredible tangle of beautiful spiderwebs my life has become… =)

    Reply

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