i’m such a fake…

Hmm… got your attention, I’ll wager. =)

I am sitting here in an old, stained shirt of The Professor’s and undies, eating chocolate pomegranate sweets. These were supposed to be a motivator to workout tomorrow morning, but I am hungry and already ate salad, so I decided to be bad. It was only a 100 calorie pack, and I had only one pack in the house, so I cannot feel too rotten. But the point is that I had a plan, and I wolfed them down like cookie monster on crack. Sigh.

I had a cup of Peet’s Anniversary Blend today, full caff and DELICIOUS ! I actually got such a buzz, felt like a mild acid trip. I just LOVE me when I am high on the bean juice. I got so much done and was happy and calm, although I may have talked The Professor’s ear off with frantic speech for an hour or so. Not too subtle, but I cannot tell you how much I desperately want to have my one cup a day of the real thing. I MISS coffee, I LOVE coffee and just am really into how I feel when I am a bit more “me”, you know ? I sound like a drug addict now, fantastic…

So, I am a total fraud. I claim a desire to make my life more zen-like, and throw out what I know is detrimental to the environment and my carbon footprint. Yet when faced with choices that I can afford, I waver. I have JUST given up coffee for good, when along comes the research that we learn better when we have a scant cup or 2 a day. I JUST decide that the french press is too much work, and encourages me to drink more cups a day, when friends and family alike extoll the virtues of the Keurig machine. I JUST managed to recycle over 90% of my trash, when I see all the pretty, little K-cups filled with happiness, lining up like soldiers in their boxes. I JUST remembered how good it feels to downsize when my Amazon wish list finds itself filled with grills, kitchen accessories, books and more yoga items than a small studio needs. I JUST got my workout mojo back and the weather spikes and I sit on the couch, tummy filled with chocolate and the telly on. I JUST commit to making my life simpler in order to focus on my practice and mindfulness when I now find myself going back to school, trying to find a part time job and moving, schooling my daughter thru a private, online high school, and trying to host neighborhood sleepovers, and committing to going to the gym 5 days a week when we are in our new house, not to mention building a relationship with my brother who is moving only 40 minutes away. That sounds so simple and relaxing, hmm ?!

So I am realizing that while I may have plans for the direction my life is going to take, the universe has other ideas. Sometimes you can choose your own path, and sometimes you have to realize you have zero control whatsoever and you need to just jump on the horse and throw down the reins, letting it carry you in some unknown direction. =)

Sometimes, you realize that ideals are just that, ideals. That what you want to become is where you are headed, but you need to walk gently toward that end, not stressing about the length of the journey. That while the life of a Buddhist monk is what you may yearn for, you also need the excitement and insanity of REAL life: scuba diving, hiking, rolling in the mud while playing football with friends. That you may not feel great about killing animals to eat, but you enjoy a good burger every once in a while and the world will not end if you admit to it. That recycling is a part of what you like to do and what you stand for, but buying tin foil because that is what you can afford will not be the one deciding factor that implodes the planet. That every little thing you do, good or bad, is part of who and what you are, and we all have room for improvement. And that if you had 7 billion $ in the bank, we would not be having this conversation. =)

SO… I am going to do the best I can for the next 2 months, spending time with my daughter, grilling some good and some not so good food, working out but not obsessing, buying some of what I need but not worrying about the fuel it took to get the items to me, and just BEING. Being present, and aware, but living life happily and without regret. I might even eat some popcorn or a burger… you can never tell with me. =) Have a lovely !


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. El Guapo
    Jul 06, 2014 @ 18:28:52

    Just be. It’s more rewarding.


  2. tishmoon
    Jul 06, 2014 @ 18:36:01

    How do you balance your passion for saving the world with living life and not stressing ? =)


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