entertain me…

Most things and people have a finite capacity to entertain or awe me… I know, the people in my life are not actually here to entertain me; well, not all of the time anyhow. I do not need to be amused nonstop; but I do have to feel challenged, or awed, or fascinated. By someone’s intellect, by the situation I am in, or by what I am studying. I feed on this, it excites me to no end, this filling up with knowledge or humor or what have you. The only 2 things I have found that have an infinite capacity to thrill me is the study of marine biology and the oceans. No matter how many times I dove the same waters, the same wreck even; there was always a fluidity to the situation, a slight difference in pressure, creatures or habitat that drove me to go back again and again.

The people I chose to surround myself with when I was young and single are the type of people who I barely meet anymore, let alone form bonds with. I volunteered at a children’s hospital in a large city in CA, and had the resources to attend smaller fundraisers, which enabled me to meet a certain type of professional. Nowadays, I get my challenges from deep conversations with my DR, a professor from Copenhagen University and in beating my insurance company by getting them to pay for drugs that are not covered by my plan. I am 4 for 4 in this endeavor, pleasing myself to no end. =)

When I get bored, I tend to get moody… flighty, bitterly caustic or even naughty beyond belief, depending on my mood or situation. Perhaps that is why becoming a mother was both a blessing and a curse for me to adjust to. I spent years of my career training people, had subordinates who would (and did) break the law for me if I asked, and more responsibility that you could shake a stick at. When I was pregnant, I was assigned to the personnel office, where I made ID cards for the sailors who needed them. In an office where I was not a valued member, but the pregnant chick they had to babysit. That did not sit well with me, and my button-pushing personality kicked in; finding all manner of trouble to get into became my daily goal, doing everything just short of real, punishable offenses. They breathed a sigh of relief when my foxling finally made her appearance, I can tell you. After that, I was at home with my wee one, who was a complete miracle, and took all my physical energy, but I could feel my brain stagnating with each passing day. Never doubt my love for her, but let’s face it, a newborn does not have a lot to offer in the conversation department. =)

So fast forward 15 years… in my arsenal I have an ex who didn’t want to be a husband and father after all and an extremely gifted child whose education I am in complete charge of managing. I love the schoolwork, the fitting of the pieces and organizing to get her where she wants to be, but am eagerly awaiting being able to focus more on my education as well. Now, every week I have free time without parental responsibility, and I have been trying to surround myself with the kind of people who give me what I need. In a word, brain-sex. =) You know what I mean; that challenge, banter, exchanging of information… I am wickedly smart, but will freely admit that I like to be close to the dumbest person in the room. I am well-read and educated enough to hold my own, but I want to be dazzled. And I live in rural CT. WTF was I thinking…

It comes as no surprise that I am having a difficult time meeting the kind of people who I am searching for with the exception of my online professors… whose wives are less than thrilled by our late night discussions. So I am back to the drawing board… When my foxling was on vacation last month, I was able to get a meeting with admissions at Q university. Showed her what I had for a degree now, what I am auditing online, and explained my plans. After one cup of coffee and credit transfer paperwork, she told me bluntly that the university would be happy to have me apply, but that she does not think that I will be “happy” pursuing nursing. I just as bluntly asked what happy had to do with it, I am merely searching for the means to the end, in a field that holds slight interest for me. I want to help people, have the $ to travel and dive to my heart’s delight, and the ability to move anywhere that strikes my fancy. We poured over the degree programs being offered, and she recommended that I take a Master’s from them, and then apply to the next cycle for their law school. While the thought of making more money than I know how to spend does intrigue me, the 90 hours a week as a jr associate at a firm working for a young man half my age does not interest me in the slightest. And while I have always been a supporter of the underdog, and have a mind for technicalities, the real money is in corporate law, and stomping on the rights of the little guy in order to stay ahead. No thanks, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror every day and not hate what I see. =) And to be even more honest, I do not have that kind of time. I need to be employed in the upper-middle level of the field I choose in the shortest time possible, so I can actually enjoy the years to come. Nursing, with a MSN, will allow me the freedom to work hard for a few years, then slide into a more managerial position at an active duty hospital allowing me to apply the years I spent in the CG to count toward my retirement points. It was only 6 years, but those points add up quickly.

So for now, I am trying to finagle a much-coveted transfer spot into the BSN program, but know if I have to work full-time that won’t be possible. This summer is such a cluster fluff… I feel like I am running in 25 different directions at the same time. Laying the groundwork for both of us girls has become a full time objective in itself, and that is without the teaching or learning on my part. =) I will be happy when the impending move is over and we have that to cross off our list. Who knows what the future holds for myself or my darling foxling… but I know we are headed somewhere, and we’re gonna enjoy the ride !



1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. NotAPunkRocker
    Jun 27, 2014 @ 22:09:42

    “what’s happy got to do with it?” I know exactly what you are feeling and mean with all of this. I’ve only just decided that I need to decide on how much my mental health costs and budget around that (ok, kind of a lame metaphor, but you know what I mean)

    Here’s to adventures!


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