Xin Nian Kuai le…

Happy Lunar New Year ! Ok, admittedly this is 2 days late, but the thought is there, right ?! It is now The Year of the Horse, the year 4712. Sounds so much more impressive than 2014, don’t you think ? I wish we lived somewhere that we could watch the huge parade in two weeks cumulating with the dancing, 100-foot silk dragon powered by 50 or so men hidden under the ridiculously bright beast. I love a party as much as the next girl, and I am absolutely dying for lack of culture in my hermetically sealed, white-bread New England town. I dream of the day when I can move to warmer climes of MY OWN choosing… it is almost enough to get me thru a long winter with a smile on my face. =)

So much has happened this past week, yet at the same time nothing has changed. I feel the momentum of my decisions beginning to pull me off our normal axis, and that is simultaneously exhilarating and a bit unnerving. I am in the planning stages, knowing that action will be taken, but it is still too far off to actually DO anything at this point. I know in a few short years, the time to act will be upon me and then it will be a snowball of rushing and work, to ensure my success. I am a planner by nature, and it is hard for me to sit and wait. I am really trying to focus on enjoying each day and savoring the lull, but the truth is I am beginning to feel anxious, and wanting to get on with it already ! =) At the same time, I am loving the harder classes and subjects that I am teaching my foxing, and am content to do so for the next 4 1/2 years. So once again, I am pulled in two directions and find it uncomfortable. I am learning some important lessons right now, and feel empowered by the things I am doing along the way. It is so fracking nice for a change, to say “Look at what I AM doing”, rather than “Look what I CAN do”… I had been in stasis for so long that when the ice broke and I fell thru, I seriously doubted my ability to save myself for a time there. Luckily, that girl full of moxy and fire, power and opinion was still in there somewhere, covered by years of being ignored and too many potato chips. I am happy to report that my weight loss continues and I am emerging slowly from the confines that bound me, lonely and miserable, for so long.

Not everything has been easy, however. I have been looking for a volunteer job, something that I can feel good about doing. I am only available on the weekends, and finally was told by the local hospital that they only need someone who can work two days during the week. Additionally, I have not gotten one actual job offer. I am set financially for the time being, but so desperately wanted to be able to contribute something meaningful to my community. Something out there is thwarting my every attempt, and I know enough by now to realize there is a reason for it. Apparently the universe does not want me to work on the weekends right now, so I am trying to shift my mindset and simply enjoy the quiet time alone. I spoke to my instructor for the course I am auditing, and she gave me some good advice. If the class is not making me HAPPY, then simply withdraw. I am not doing these classes for credit, work or any reason other than to get my head back in the game before I return to college. But the truth is that my head is ALWAYS in the game, with all the college prep classes I am teaching my foxing. Before I take my hard science classes for my major, there is plenty of time to brush up. I have a few YEARS of time, and there is no reason to feel rushed. Yet, I take on a heavy load… why ? Is it to show myself that I can do it, or am I simply trying to impress The Professor, who couldn’t care less ? All those years of trying to get him to see me and my worth are proving a hard habit to break.  So I am looking at doing things that bring my joy, pure and simple. He is working hard right now so that my foxing and I can have the opportunity to discover our passions, and that is a sacrifice I do not take lightly. So, if I shift my thinking and look at it from another angle, I can see that taking time to discover myself is the whole point of my life right now. That and making sure my foxing can get into any selective, private college she chooses. =)

I do not recall what we did for new year’s eve this year, or even if I had my foxing at home that night. The past 8 weeks have been a blur, and I did not consciously start the new year with any desires. Teaching my girl about the Lunar New Year, however, resonated with me this year. I feel like a new beginning has indeed begun, and that this will be a year of bounty as well as trials. It was with fresh eyes that we awoke and called sleepily to one another in Mandarin… smiling, I climbed into her bed and told her all about the lantern festival and the bright, new moon that shines down upon the millions of happy people. In that moment, I felt that the moon would shine down upon us as well in two weeks time, and that we would be happy, too. Call it intuition, call it a feeling of things to come, but I feel that we have been given a new beginning, and I just know it is going to be one crazy ride…

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