just kill me now…

Well, here is another thing to add to my “NEVER DO” list… Never, after having an emotionally draining day, find yourself crying in bed at 10 pm and decide to email your ex… this can only end badly. I am going to have to move to Siberia and change my name. Seriously. And I wasn’t even drunk. But maybe that’s the problem…

So to get these unhelpful thoughts outta my head, I am going to write them here, and metaphorically light the list on fire while I dance around the room. Purge this from my head and get on with my day. Shake it off, Tish. Pushing forward…

 

i miss going with you to Papyrus, spending obscene amounts of money on papers and cards…

i miss being pregnant, you rubbing my belly and gazing at me like i hung the moon…

i miss those drives to the beach, windows rolled down, Underworld cd blaring, catching your eye and you throwing me that huge grin…

i miss the way you would reach out for me in your sleep sometimes, pulling me close to your chest and actually squeezing me, I would laugh quietly and go back to sleep with a smile on my face…

i miss that you would sometimes bring me home a cappuccino, for no particular reason…

i miss hearing your heart beat when I lay my head on your sleeping chest, and feeling so safe…

i miss the way the back of your neck is all warm and pink when you get out of the shower…

i miss the frown line in your forehead that gets deeper when you squint to clean your glasses…

i miss the pile of shoes that you always had in front of the door, two, three pair or more, a-jumble…

i miss watching you eat pints of ice cream with abandon, you could go thru several containers a week…

i miss you coming home from work, peeling off your clothes in a trail to the bedroom, and yelling to our foxling to get ready because you are leaving for the pool in 30 seconds…

i miss driving madcap to pick you up late because we were at the library, park or beach, and we would laugh as we imagined you wondering where the hell we were….

And that is all for today. There is no end to the things I miss, almost 15 years worth of pleasure and pain, happiness and insanity. I would be lying if I said that I am completely at peace with this new version of my life, created by him and his desires. Usually, I think I am doing so well, then a mood strikes, and I realize that I have to feel it, figure it out and start walking in a different direction. Sheer willpower has not mended my heart, much to my dismay. =) What I miss most is my best friend. There is no quick fix for that one. I am hoping at some point that I can look back, think of our life with a smile, and just laugh for all the love and joy it once contained. That I can look around me and feel totally at peace with who, where, and what I am, and the things I am doing with my now life. But today is not that day. Sitting here, watching the wretched snow fall, I wish I was anywhere but here, at this moment. Feeling anything but what I do right now. So I put on a smile, fake it until I make it, and grab the algebra text book. The Historian and I have work to do, games to play and 30-second dance party on our list for the day. Turn on the Bose, push play, time to enjoy this crazy life…

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jolie Michele
    Jan 19, 2014 @ 10:13:42

    Heartache has to be one of the worst pains we can go through. I have never been married, but I can understand how desperately you miss that person. It’s going on almost 8 years without Jorge and I caught myself thinking about him all day the other day. I am more healed now than when we broke up, but you still can feel a pang when you think of them. They say time heals all wounds, but they never talk about the scars. I am glad you are writing through this and if you ever need to talk, I’m only an email away. {{great big hugs from me to you!!}}

    Reply

    • tishmoon
      Jan 19, 2014 @ 10:49:09

      Thanks again for always being there, Jolie, with just the right words. 🙂 You have been so supportive during all of my insanity. I know what you mean about the scars… Some days, I wish the past 15 years never happened and I would be something of entirely my own making, but then I think of all the wonderful times we shared and my beautiful, brilliant daughter and I know it was indeed, worth it in the end. Now, if I can just get my shit together and do something with my life… 🙂

      Reply

  2. tishmoon
    Jan 19, 2014 @ 17:23:54

    Thanks again, Jolie… I guess I am just impatient to get there ! =)

    Reply

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