everybody loves you when you’re easy, everybody hates when you’re a bore…

Ever notice how some loved ones love you the best when you are bright and shiny ? But when you act a little more human, sick, chubby or irritable, their smiles turn to frowns and the storm clouds roll in.

What is it that makes people lie, cheat, give up, just walk away ? In trying to build a “new” life for themselves, do they not see the rubble they leave behind ?! They start over, with a new partner, and the old love is left to forage thru the mess and try to build something new. They slide from one warm bed right into another one, seemingly never giving a second thought to the person they left alone, in a house filled with memories of them pulling away…

How can you build something new with someone who simply walked away ? What is there to talk about, what common ground can you find ? Will they ever stop punishing you for changing, when they pushed you so hard to do so in the first place ? How can you make a friendship with someone who lied for so long, and kept themselves apart from you, away from you, but could share with all their friends and family ? Sounds as if they are indeed building a new life, and have no desire to bring along any baggage from the past.

When the dust clears, you are motivated to create something new for yourself, because you cannot be part of their “new” happiness. You try to fit your child into their space, keeping her needs before yours or theirs. You look at the colleges you can attend, and the houses you can rent. You look at all the pretty clothes you can buy, because you finally began to lose weight when you thought they were trying to make your marriage work. You meditate, try to figure out exactly what it is you want out of life, because for the first time since you got pregnant, you are the one in control of YOU. Of course, you are now alone in a house with your child, the sole caregiver, so you make sure your plans are flexible and can wait another 4 1/2 years until your child has moved on as well.

You look for a job so you can finally make friends again. You study when you find no positions available, work out more, clean the too-big house and talk to your out of state friends online. You tell yourself when spring comes, you will drive down to the beach, the place you can breathe and smile, fully… that place that mends your heart. You try, really try; to make something new for yourself, and you realize how much easier it would be with a loved one by your side. You know, like he has. Funny how he never had to be alone. You mourn all of your losses, but the biggest is the loss of the person you called your best friend. Who turned out not to be, not really. You take two steps forward, and slide back. Every.fucking.day… like the ocean, but no where near as pretty.

So where does this leave me, today ? What does this moment have in store for me ? No tears, just possibility. No grief and pain, just an awesome workout and music. Movement and memories. Yogurt and water, energy flowing thru my veins. My foxling is coming home for several hours today, to play games and hang out with me, her dad and his friend. It is nice when we are all here, interacting and enjoying the day. My life is a contradiction right now, curiouser and curiouser. But as long as the good moments outnumber the bad, I feel like I am getting there. Just keep swimming, right ? =)


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jolie Michele
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 09:29:04



  2. tishmoon
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 11:44:49

    Thanks, doll ! 🙂


  3. Aunt Anne
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 20:13:50

    I will always be there for you, you are in my heart always have.
    Love you…..


  4. tishmoon
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 20:32:29

    Thanks so much, I know there are so many people who have my back. Rough times simply make the great times even better ! 🙂


  5. Aunt Anne
    Jan 18, 2014 @ 10:36:47

    Amazing woman, admire you!


  6. tishmoon
    Jan 18, 2014 @ 15:20:00

    Thanks so much, once again ! Sometimes, we just need to pull up our big-girl panties, shake off the indignities and start fresh, for ourselves. =)


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