anew…

The first two weeks of December have melted away like the icicles in the eaves. Forget the holidays, the new year is fast approaching, with all it’s sparkle and possibility. I think dreamily in bed at night, about the directions this new time can carry us, as if we are small leaves afloat on a rushing current. Where we will go, where will we end up… the possibilities are endless. I am not one to make resolutions, or be sad when a year comes to an end. I see only newness stretching before me, and for those drowsy moments before I succumb to sleep, I feel that unbearably happy weightlessness that only being out at sea can bring me. As I measure my breaths, slowly inhaling deeply, I can almost see around the corner and peak at what lies ahead… and I wake up every morning with a smile on my face. Yes, I may be a girl of routine, but I crave forward motion, and am happiest when I am working toward something I believe in. Balancing my disdain of change with my need to be in motion has always been a bit of a challenge, but with age is coming the ability to see what is important to me, and what needs to be let loose, so I can be free to become what my soul craves. How others see me, and believe me to be is irrelevant in this time of renewal and change. It is freeing to say that, even more so to realize it is true.

This journey of mine is shared, of course, with my beloved foxling. I cannot do only what is right and best for me when I am caring for a child. So we are learning to compromise, each of us taking what we need at different times, sharing and swapping energy, resources and responsibility. I am becoming less her instructor than her classmate, and she is gaining footing in the household as a valued member who makes decisions, rather than one who is merely told what to do. We are forging a partnership where we both are able to ask for what we need, without apology or reservation. It is refreshing after so many years of cramming ourselves into the box of expectations, to be free to become ourselves. The road ahead will not always be a smooth path, but knowing we are doing what is best for us is sunshine on our faces, after such a long, stormy time.

My biggest decision today will be what to make for sinner, I type with a satisfied grin. =) It is nice after a few challenging days to relax, sit back, and let life move on. I hated the weekends for so many years now, and have really begun to enjoy the new routine with The Historian. How ironic, when we only have a few weekends left together. Such is the way of things when there are other adults involved, and I am working to fit some weekendish play after dinner most evenings. So far, we have not had enough of a routine to see what will work best for her, but I am confident that by mid-March, we will be settled into our winter schedule nicely. I am happy when I think about the sheer amount of work we accomplish every winter, and know that will help her adjust to the new roles our lives are assuming.

Time to put the computer away, focus on something tangible in front of me. I see a light dusting of snow beginning to fall, and this makes me want to bundle up and go out back for morning exercise. Funny how when left to our own devices, our bodies create routines for us, almost without effort. I am heeding the call, going to pull great deep breaths of cold air into my lungs, and exert myself until I am shaky and laughing. After which, I will enjoy that hot, solitary cup of coffee even more.

 

 

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