labels…

Sometimes labels are helpful, even though they can be limiting. I tend to dislike labels, but can see the intelligence of having words with which we can sort things to make our lives and decisions easier. If I were asked, and were in an answering mood, I might say I was a conservative democrat, or perhaps a very liberal republican. I am a mother, stay at home as well as home educating. I am a wife; usually a good one, and a great cook, even though I hate to spend time in the kitchen. I am an environmentalist, an avid reader, a moody individualist, and an introvert who can talk your ear off, if I feel comfortable enough. I am strong, stubborn and overweight. I own more books than clothes, and am ever plotting how I can fit another bookshelf in the living room. But I digress…

A label that I have been mulling over as of late is being “civically engaged”. I read that approximately 40% of people in jails and prisons have had prior convictions and have had some type of mental issues that went unaddressed. In the past 4 fiscal years, states have cut 4.35 billion dollars in public mental-health spending. I also read that for every $2000-$3000 spent on treatment for the mentally ill saves $50,000 in incarceration costs. There never has been, or will be, enough money to help all those in need, but I believe in damage control, and pre-emptive spending seems a likely way to cut costs and improve lives.

I am reminded of those “well baby” visits we took The Historian to in her early years. It drove me crazy, dragging a perfectly healthy baby into a germ-infested doctor’s office on my husband’s one day off. She would get sick every. damned. time… 7 days later, like clockwork. BUT, I have a friend whose little girl was diagnosed with a tumor at the base of her brain stem during one of these well baby check-ups. After meeting her, I never looked at the doctor appointments the same way again.

What about our nationwide immunization program ? This costs our insurance millions of dollars a year, yet we support this legislation as a country because of the benefits to us, as a whole. When my father was a child, and he or a sibling contracted measles, they were quarantined in their home with a large sign on the door. They were probably unhappy with the imposed vacation, but were in compliance because it was about life and death, not freedom of choice. Our nation came together again, probably with some doubt to eradicate polio thru vaccinations, painful though they were. We have the ability to see what is good for us, as a whole, and work toward that common goal. I believe that we are all, to some extent, civically engaged. I think that most of us, if we put our differences aside, can come together again… this is our legacy, as americans, as humans.

maybe it’s supposed to hurt…

When you are in labor with your first child, you do not really know what to expect, no matter how many classes and brochures you breeze thru. When it comes time to push, if you are lucky, you have a kind-hearted nurse telling you that you have to work for it, that the pain is temporary, and that after all the effort, you become something new… a mother. =) It is painful, amazing, surreal, and yet, when it is over, you can look at this entirely whole, new being, and realize “I made this”.

How about the flip side of the experience, from the baby’s perspective ? They fair better after a natural birth, squeezing the lungs helps with breathing and expulsion of fluids. But can it be as painful for them as us ? Cannot imagine it would feel good, by any means, to have your head smooched, to be pulled and turned, and then enter into a bright, noisy world. But the stress of a natural birth is a good stress on them, and they pick up immunity from the journey, as well. Painful, but necessary.

Then there is the story of the phoenix… a majestic wonder, reborn thru flame. Scary how many references there are in literature, mythology, nature and religion to the fact that growth comes amidst change, or pain. Even at the gym… want to gain muscle mass ? Work out, tear those muscles, rebuild your way to a new, better, stronger YOU !!! Have you ever cooked with a cast iron pan ? Have to heat it to the smoking point and let cool before you can use it. =)

So, maybe the point is that life is rarely stagnant. You have to shift, grow, change. If you want to become the most you can be, you have to stretch. Baby birds get thrown out of the nest, trees lose their leaves, bears hibernate, kids fall a thousand times before they can run.  Is change easy ?  Do I need it to be ? Maybe it’s supposed to hurt. Maybe that’s how you know it’s happening.

here comes the sun…

Ooh, feeling a bit better than yesterday, I had a long talk with The Professor while we were cooking dinner together last night. It was a nice chat, really listening to each other because we had all the time in the world. We put on some music and chopped veggies and made a stir-fry with salad and steamed rice. It was an easy meal to prepare, plenty of time for eye contact, laughing and general tom-foolery. =) We connected again, like we always do when we have 2 minutes together, without his school looming over his head. I cannot tell you how GOOD it feels to have had some eye contact from the man ! Starting over again, later in life is a real adventure. Taking the 8 year Master’s plan is an even more daunting task. There are days when I do not think it is worth it… today is not one of them, however. =)

I had my hair cut for the summer… found a low-chemical, natural-ish salon that was actually cheaper than the last cut I got. I had to wait, as there was a scheduling error and ended up getting my eyebrows waxed for free ! Yippee, right ?! Or so I thought, too. Laying back in the chair with a deep conditioning mask on my hair (they were VERY sorry for the delay, apparently), the warm wax did not feel too weird, a bit soothing to tell the truth… then she ripped one of the strips off… WTF ???!!! I screeched and she yells “oh shit, I am so sorry” and we both proceed to laugh our collective asses off ! Everyone was watching us, and the manager came over and exclaimed over how “really red” my poor face was… what an experience that was, I had a LOT of attention after that one, let me tell you. =) A cup of coffee, gum, a coupon for a massage, and some unbelievably soothing facial cream, to boot. It was traumatizing, and I think now that the brows are weed-wacked, I will just maintain them with a bit of tweezing. HOW on earth can people do this on a regular basis ?! Pain, like I would not have believed. Cannot believe what we girls do to look a bit younger ! But I still count the day as a success; the swelling has gone down enough that my eyes are able to fully open once again, and damn, does my hair look good. =)

ch… ch… changes…

I am not one who walks quietly toward change, arms open to embrace it… I run screaming from it, being pulled back against my will, fighting and struggling every.step.of.the.way… Change catches me in its claws, and I yank back so hard it physically hurts… Why can’t I simply let it wash over me, carry me out to sea, let it buoy me gently toward my new destination ? Instead I fight, and it pulls me under, until I can’t hold my breath any longer, and my mind goes blank… and I am wild with fighting it, and the exhaustion overtakes me, and I FINALLY let go…

How do you cope with change ? If you have new ways of thinking, how did you get there ? Are you happier, after all, for accepting it ? Or do you still wish, late at night when you are the only one awake, that things would just go back to the way they were ? I am entering a new stage of my life, one I am not comfortable with. I am not facing this alone; The Professor is off for the summer, and while he is here in body, his mind is elsewhere. It takes our little family a few weeks to adjust to the fact that the break-neck speed of the semester is over, and we have TIME to do with as we please. It is strange to have him in the kitchen, cooking or chopping or doing the washing up. I am used to my own morning mess, my own routine in which The Historian and I are at the helm. Is it weird that I think “wait, that is my parsley, what are you doing with it” ??!! =)

My foxling is happily drawing her heart out, her room an explosion of quilts and pillows, strains of music floating down from her open window into the kitchen… I can hear her laugh and sing, mutter and dance. I have graded her last tests, filed away weeks of work and gotten the summer trimester planned out. I have washed the dishes, mopped the bathroom floors, laundry is finishing up as I type. I read an entire book yesterday, an ENTIRE book. I watched my show, filed my nails, wrote to a friend. I am bored to tears. I could always scrub the loo, but this is not what I had in mind for the day.

The Professor is out with friends today, his study partners, for a well deserved break. They are hiking and getting lunch. I should feel calm, with all this time spread out before me. We have all summer to go explore together, visit loved ones, and swim. As I look at the trees from my balcony, the leaves waving in the wind, all I want to do is grab the books and call my foxling down for some lessons. =) I think this would be net with a bit of dissatisfaction, folks. =) I am off to find something to occupy my mind… have a peaceful day.

feelin’ that 70′s vibe…

Anyone else hate mother’s day ? Or any other holiday designed to make your loved ones feel like crap if they do not spend a king’s ransom on crap you either do not need, want, or cannot afford ?! The Professor and I figured out a way around this insanity years ago, an unheard-of way of thinking, ready for it ??!! We simply… buy what we need when we need it. Bizarre, right ? =) I love that we can do nice things for each other but do not feel pressured into getting things that would not be truly appreciated… we simply plan ahead and get the things we can use.

Thanks to a generous Home Depot gift card, we found a patio set that fits nicely on our balcony and The Historian has been doing her lessons out there every day. Since the top is metal, we needed some placemats to protect the dishes, as well as my foxling’s little elbows and books. What do you think of these babies ??!! Remember these from the 70′s… all the crazy fruit designs that covered miles of plastic party-ware ? The bright hues and new pool toy smell ? The “scritchety-scritch” when you ran your nails across the pattern, driving your little brother crazy ? How they would slowly fade and crack, and by Labor Day, they would be stained and have cigarette holes burnt thru them, and your aunt would gather them up and unceremoniously dump them in the trash… this was before anyone recycled anything other than boyfriends. These are made from recycled polypropylene and could have been one of the lines I used in the Coast Guard, back in the day. =)

I want to plant some flowers and put them in the center of the table, but that will have to wait until we come back from down south. Until then, we are happy with the space The Historian has to spread out and get comfy for a long day of learning. And when my scritching at the placemats drives her nuts, she just tells me (between clenched teeth) to knock it off.  =)

the beat goes on…

“Keeping Things Whole”… have you read this anthology yet ?! Some of the greatest minds of natural science, philosophy and literature discuss environmental science issues we are facing in a thought-provoking and interdisciplinary fashion. The Historian has developed quite mature opinions on the subject, which once again shows that children minds flourish when they are filled with quality materials. One essay we read and discussed the week before last was written by Gary Snyder, an environmental activist, Zen Buddhist and poet. His name may be familiar, as he received the Pulitzer Prize for his “Turtle Island” in 1975. Coincidently, he is also the hero of Kerouac’s “The Dharma Bums”. Ah, now you see where this is headed… =)

Intrigued by the concept of  dharma, or the law that maintains the order of the universe, my foxling halted our studies in order to explore the idea. She pondered the phrase  ”dharma bum”, as well as the minds responsible for this new (at the time) way of thinking. Hmm… an enlightened religious wanderer, sharing food and ideas with anyone willing to listen. Sounds familiar, does it not ? =)

The Historian has read books about the turbulent 1960′s in this country, and is familiar with civil rights, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, the Black Panthers, Viet Nam, Andy Warhol, JFK, and Che Guevara, as well as the Beatles and the explosion of rock and roll. She was deeply offended that I had not explored the 1950′s yet with her, and when I began telling her about the “Beat Generation” and all the writers involved, she immediately fell head over ass for Jack. Hippies ?! Educated guys and gals bucking against the system ?! Why did I not share this treasure-trove of awesomeness with her sooner ??!!

Beatnik, hippie-chick, Bohemians, hangers-on… Gary Snyder, Jack Kerouac, Alan Ginsberg, Neal Cassady, Leroi Jones… the stories and poetry of poverty, exasperation, surrealism, exile, Zen. Ken Kesey, Dharma Bums, William Burroughs, anti-Viet Nam, common location and shared political beliefs. A counter-cultural history of a small movement of minds, a slice of idealism and beauty, frustration and acceptance…

I am off to feed my foxling more information, and watch it brew into ideas she can openly express… got to love freedom, folks.

more food…

  

The multi-cooker has been working overtime, thanks to warm weather and an innate laziness in me where cooking is concerned. We have eaten our weight in salads this week, and I made some very yummy chicken and zucchini on Monday. Wednesday was free-range pork and TONS of parsley, onion and garlic cooked with some red wine and served over jasmine rice with broccoli. Tonight, The Professor feels like grilling, I am thinking asparagus, tomatoes and onions with chicken thighs that will be delicious with a spicy rub. =) A generous friend has gracefully shared a dozen of her fresh eggs with us… they are so pretty, all the colors ! Quiche for the weekend… perfect !

As the weather warms, The Historian and I turn to the blender for breakfast smoothies, handfuls of spinach and sweet fruit make a delicious morning combo. So glad the semester is almost over; The Professor will make more of his outstanding pico de gallo… YUM ! =) Black beans and organic blue corn chips with an avocado are all the pico needs to be a gorgeous, easy dinner on the patio. Hmm… now all I need are some Margarita glasses !